BLADE RUNNER

I am sure they had the best intentions. I am sure they thought they were helping. But what the good folks at Briggs and Stratton actually did was cost me a substantial chunk of time.

It all started a few weeks ago when I rolled out my lawnmower for the first cutting of the spring. I love this time of year, because there is nothing that says spring like the sound of a mower running over a dog’s chew toy for the first time of the year. I pulled out my faithful old friend, primed the pump and gave a yank on the cord. And I subsequently noticed that (a) my mower had not started and (b) I was holding in my hand about a six-inch piece of string that was no longer connected to anything.

Certainly replacing the cord would be easy. Those things break all of the time. Even someone with my home improvement ineptness could fix this, right? After dropping about two bucks on a new cord, I settled in to solve my mow woes. I took the plastic housing off of the top of the mower, figuring it would be a simple process of easing the new cord in the mower.

Upon closer examination, I saw that the cord would have to wrap four or five times around the unit, and there was a thin channel which I would have to thread it through. Well, in case you have never tried to thread three feet of thin rope through a small circular channel, allow me to save you some time: It is impossible. It cannot be done. I would have had a better chance of making a hammock out of the cord.

So the next logical step was to remove the unit. I’m not sure what I planned to do with it once I removed it. Perhaps stare it into submission. I grabbed my trusty screwdriver, poised over the mower and said aloud, “Why are there no screws here?”

The answer: Because it was riveted in place. Let’s recap: Can’t wind it through. Can’t remove the part to work on it. Can’t hand-crank the mower by spinning the blade really, really fast by hand (at least, not after my wife stopped me from trying).

At this point, I had no choice. I did what I always do when an inanimate object frustrates me. I kicked it. And that hurt.

But it did draw the attention of several neighbors, neighbors who are far more competent at these things. We’re talking about people who routinely build things out of actual wood they cut themselves and also do stuff under the hoods of their cars.

The first solution offered up was unsettling at first. “I have some electric fence wire,” said one neighbor. While I am sure electroshock therapy might be beneficial, I wasn’t sure how that would fix my mower. Turns out, electric fence wire is quite functional, and he was suggesting we affix it to the rope and try and wind that through the coil. A good try, but one that not only did not work, but also left a tangled mess of electric fence wire inside my mower.

It was soon becoming quite clear that the Briggs and Stratton folks did not intend for you to fix the mower, but rather buy a whole new one with fully functioning parts. They did not count on one thing, however: I am cheap, and my neighbor has power tools.

So out came the drill. To say the least, this sounded like something that I should allow someone else to do. In a few short moments, the rivets were no longer. Of course, that would not be the last line of defense that Briggs and Stratton put in. So, after removing roughly 4 billion bolts, the unit was freed, and my neighbor was able to wind the cord back in. I of course stood back and nodded as he worked, adding an occasional, “Mmm-hmmm” or a well-placed “There you go.” Moral support goes a long way.

Once we (he) reattached all of the parts, the mower was ready to roll. I grabbed the pull, gave a yank and, like magic, the mower began to purr. (OK, it wasn’t like magic, and it took about 18 yanks to get it to purr, and it was more of a sputter, but that’s just how my mower sounds. It seemed more dramatic having it work like a champ, but honesty got the best of me.)

I am pleased that I was able to repair the mower, despite the hurdles that were in place. And the whole ordeal taught me a valuable lesson. I will be prepared the next time my mower breaks. And I will buy a new one.