THE LIST MAKERS

.I am trying my level best to be a calm, understanding person. But some people are doing everything in their power to make that impossible.

All I ask for is sensible, considerate behavior from people. And what do I get? People who act with all of the common sense and consideration of a desk. Three people have now gained entry onto my list. And, folks, you don’t want to make my list.

OK, truth be told it doesn’t matter whether or not you make my list, because despite repeated appeals to federal officials, I am not allowed to make Citizen’s Arrests for Idiocy. But I’m working on it.

List Maker #1: So I’m in the grocery store, picking up three items. It’s always fun to pick up a small assortment of random items, because people invariably try and figure out a connection between the items. This trip, I was getting diapers, a bottle of wine, and dog biscuits.

Anywho, I go to the Express Line, which sets the limit at 10 items. Fortunately, this store has not given way to inflation and cranked up the Express Line limit to 25 items, which to me defeats the whole purpose of an Express Line. Now, I know that I have commented frequently on the abuse of this line. But someone has taken it to a new level. Not only did the woman in front of me have about eight cartfuls of groceries, there were about 72,000 different vegetables, so each one had to be looked up, weighed, and hand entered. And she didn’t have your run of the mill veggies. Nosirree, she had obscure organic foods, so the clerk had to ask what each one was.

I tried my best to stare hard enough at her grocery cart to make it burst into flames, but that didn’t work. Instead, when I finally got to the check-out, I said, “Kinda liberal on the 10 items policy, huh?” The clerk gave me a blank stare, as if to say, “Policy? 10 items?” Look, bottom line, if you have an entire farmer’s market in your cart, go to the regular line. And if you’re a clerk who has someone stroll to your Express Line with enough rations for an Afghan airdrop, explain to them gently that there is a good possibility that their cart is about to catch fire.

List Maker #2: I go to an ATM machine for a quick and easy cash extraction. I pull up, and there is a car in front of me. The guy puts his card in and waits for a minute. Out pops a receipt. He grabs the receipt and his card, and sits there. After a few minutes, he pops in another card. Same thing. After the third card he popped in, I was getting dangerously close to a horn test, and perhaps a few choice words from the window.

It occurred to me that I had no idea how large the individual in front of me was, so I opted to sit in my car and stew instead. After almost five minutes at the ATM, the guy slowly drove off, having gotten a grand total of $0.00. Now, if he was checking his balances, there is a simple solution: use a phone. Every credit card and bank on the planet has automated phone lines that tell you balances, and I don’t have to wait in line for you to do that.

Another possibility is that he was maxed out on all three accounts. If you’re in that guy’s shoes, chances are you know you are destitute, and there is no reason to waste my time, hoping to squeeze out an additional $10. Move along.

List Maker #3: This gentlemen not only made my list, but the list of about 100 other movie-going patrons. I’m sitting there in a theater, thoroughly enjoying a movie, when I hear a phone ring. At first, I thought it was part of the movie. Then, a man a few rows up loudly says, “Hello?” He’s got his trusty cell phone, ringer set on high, and is taking his call right there in the movie.

He gets up and starts strolling out into the lobby, still carrying on a conversation. Fine. Maybe he was waiting on an organ transplant, and also forgot to set his phone on vibrate. As he’s out in the lobby, we can hear a theater worker say, “Sir, cell phones are not allowed in the building.” Problem solved, we thought.

Apparently, this guy on the cell phone thought that the worker meant “cell phones are not allowed in the building, unless they’re his” because about 10 minutes later, “RING!!!” followed by “Hello?” It’s a good thing my wife has a good grip, because I was quite close to getting out of my seat and seeing just how far a cell phone could fly.

Now, you may be thinking that I’m being testy and reactionary. Maybe so. But all three of these people could have been just a little bit considerate towards other people, and I wouldn’t have to have been reactionary. It’s quite simple, really. Live by the following credo: “I will pay attention to how my actions may unnecessarily affect others. Or my grocery cart may catch fire.”