CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET

CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?

I’ve got a secret.

I’ve got a secret that could change the face of civilization forever. I know something so earth-shattering, so groundbreaking, so unbelievable that it will make landing on the moon seem like clipping your toenails.

But I can’t keep it any longer. I’ve got to share it. And I’ve got to share it with you. Are you ready? Are you sure? OK, here goes – you do not have to wait in line at the department of motor vehicles.

SETTLE DOWN, PEOPLE! SETTLE DOWN! We’ve got to stay composed, folks, lest our secret leak out to the communists.

I made this amazing discovery recently when it came time to renew my driver’s license. Like you, I used to think it was gospel that you would have to wait in line for seven or eight months, only to be verbally assaulted by clerks who think you rank just above old mayonnaise on the civilization scale.

I thought this was just part of life. I had been dreading my return visit to have my soon-to-be-expired license renewed for months. I had put it off and put it off, until one day, I decided that my day wasn’t quite miserable enough, so I figured I would go ahead and take the plunge. Why not ruin the rest of the day? Go to the DMV!

It was mid-morning, on a Wednesday. As I drove into the parking lot, I noticed that there were very few cars there. This is odd, as usually the parking lot is overflowing, despite the fact that many of the people inside do not have driver’s licenses, which has always concerned me, but we can address that another day. Anyway, on this day, only a couple of cars.

I figured that a few buses had been used to drop everyone off today, and that throes of unhappy people would greet me inside. But, imagine my surprise when I walked in and saw (dramatic "bum-bum-bum" drum sounds, please) – an empty waiting area. There were the plastic ropes, lining out aisles that had no one in them. There were the clerks, looking at the clock, maybe chatting with one another, but just generally hanging out, perhaps even wanting someone to come and visit.

When I walked in, I stopped for a minute, wondering if perhaps I had lost track of time and this was actually a Sunday, the office was closed, and these were very lazy janitors. One of the clerks must have sensed by confusion and said, "Sir, I can help you over here."

Sir!?!?! Did you hear that? Sir! She called me sir! And seemed to mean it! This was surreal. I approached somewhat cautiously, as I knew that this could be a trick, and she may strike at any time. They do that, you know. That’s how they lure you in.

I approached her station and told her that I needed to renew my license. I handed her my current driver’s license and insurance card. She smiled and said, "OK, Mr. Gibbons, we’ll have this done in no time."

When is the last time you had someone say that to you – and meant it – at the DMV? "When, you say? Why, never, Mike!" I will bet is your answer. Because it never happens. Because there are always 23,000 people in front of you and behind you, and the person is never smiling (would you be?) and nothing ever gets done in no time. The only thing that ever happens "in no time" is that your spot in line does not change "in no time." It also does not change "for hours of time."

As promised, in no time, she had been me posed in front of the camera for my picture, which I am sure captures my genuine disbelief at the whole bizarre situation.

When the machine spit out my new license, the clerk handed it to me, thanked me (thanked me!), and told me – you’re not gonna believe this – to have a good day! She must have thought I was somewhat rude, because I just backed out the door staring at her, kinda waiting for her to peel off her face and reveal her true alien identity.

As I walked to my car and began to leave, I realized that I discovered an amazing secret of the physical world. Renewing your license can be just as painless as having a prescription filled or getting gas for your car or having your arm surgically reattached after…OK, maybe not the last one.

But imagine how this will change this world. Think about how much negative energy is created from trips to the DMV. You know there is overflow as a result. In fact, most people don’t realize that shortly before the Gulf War, Saddam Hussein tried to renew his driver’s license at a Kuwaiti DMV.

True, I run the risk of closing up the secret hassle-free time period by sharing this with you, but I figured it’s the least I could do. For one thing, even if you all did go next Wednesday, my license is good for another five years, and the line should be dwindling by then.