SIZE IS RELATIVE

Did you know that a large is not actually a large? In fact, a large is a small.

I learned this valuable lesson recently when I decided to order pizza. Some friends of ours are new parents, so they have not seen the outside of their home in weeks. My wife and I decided to invite them over for pizza one night so that they would have a reason to venture outside and get some much needed sunlight.

My wife put me in charge of ordering the food. We opted for pizza because (a) everyone loves pizza and (b) if I am wrong and everyone doesn’t love pizza, then the people who don’t are wrong, and possibly dangers to society. I called a pizza place and put in my order. I figured that four adults could put away a fair amount of food and ordered a large. When the pizza got to my house, my wife cast an eye towards it and said, “This is why I should never, ever put you in charge of anything that is of even the mildest importance.” OK, actually what she said was, “That pizza looks kind small, dontcha think?” but her tone said much more.

Sure enough, the pizza in my hand was about the size of a Frisbee, and not one of those mondo-oversized Frisbees either. I called the pizza establishment and had the following conversation:

ME: Yeah, I ordered a large pizza, and I think I got the wrong size.

PIZZA GUY: Our large is a 14-inch.

ME: Well, I don’t have a ruler handy, but this looks kinda small. There’s no way I can feed four people off of this.

PIZZA GUY: Off a large? No way. The large is our smallest.

ME: Huh?

PIZZA GUY: The large – it’s our small.

ME: So what’s your large?

PIZZA GUY: Well, we have an extra large and a super large.

ME: But the large is the small?

PIZZA GUY: You bet!

ME: Uh, has it maybe occurred to you that your sizing structure is more than a little confusing? I called and asked for a large in the generic sense, expecting to get the largest of your pizzas. What I get is a pizza the size of a dinner plate. Don’t you think you ought to present it in a more accurate manner?

PIZZA GUY: Well, it is clearly written on our menu.

ME: Maybe, but it’s not clearly written in the phone book where I looked up your number to call.

PIZZA GUY: Hmmm…

Truth be told, I don’t think he ever got my point. He was sitting there basking in what he thought was the finest glow of marketing genius since the Pet Rock. Meanwhile I’m trying to explain to him the concept of comparative sizing.

After a few more minutes of me trying to explain to him the problem (“OK, imagine your ran a pet store and called all of your cats dogs but didn’t tell your customers…”), he came up with a solution. “Well, if you want I can put you in another order and put your ticket at the front of the line.” I was more than a little miffed at this point, so I declined his generous offer of expediting another large small pizza. I called up a different pizza place and got another pizza from them, just to be spiteful. When the clerk answered at the second place, the first thing I asked her was, “If I order a large pizza, which pizza would you give me?”

“Uh, the large one,” she said.

“And how many sizes are there that are smaller than the large?”

At this point, I am pretty sure she started to think I was a prank caller. “Two, of course.”

Her tone said annoyance, but her words said vindication. But even though the second pizza place got it right, I know that I have many future battles to contend with. If you doubt me, just try and order a “small” drink at any fast restaurant, only to have some smug 16-year old say, “I’m sorry, we don’t have ‘small.’ We have Large, Super McGrande, and Extra King Humongous.” True story: I once saw a guy in a fast food lose it and very clearly explain to the cashier the concept of having a small drink, whether or not that’s what you called it. His explanation was about 120 decibels, involved a lot of spit, and went on for a good two minutes. It was a classic moment in fast food angst.

Maybe eventually people will come to their senses and realize that the old tried and true small, medium, and large work just fine. I mean, is anyone really that swayed by the screwball size naming? Maybe people are. Maybe some of our brains are not as large as I thought.