THE LANGUAGE BARRIER

My wife and I have become fluent in the language of grunts.

It was not by design. Rather, it evolved naturally as our son has gotten older and realized that speaking was not necessary, since Mommy and Daddy respond quite well to a series of dramatic hand gestures and grunting.

This is a big change from our daughter. She spoke early on, which was equal parts blessing and curse. While it was nice to have your toddler tell you things she wanted, it could also be somewhat embarrassing in the middle of the store when your 2-year-old screams out her current diaper situation.

But with Parker we don’t have that problem. Parker has decided that there really is no need to use much English, since he has trained us to dance like marionettes at his non-English commands.

For example, each morning at breakfast, I sit the kids at the table and ask them what they want for breakfast. Allie, who is now 4, will respond as most 4-year-olds do, which is to say, “I want oatmeal and cinnamon toast and orange juice and cereal and fruit snacks and chicken nuggets and a lollipop.” So oatmeal it is.

Parker, meanwhile, will point and respond, “Unghh.”

And, being the trained monkey I am, I say, “Cereal bar?” Parker affirms his order with a solid, “Unghh.” Sometimes he nods.

And so this is how we communicate with Parker. He points and unghhs, and we retrieve at his bidding. If we bring the wrong thing, he furls his brow and accentuates his request. “UNGHH.” Somehow, we have gotten to where it usually takes no more than two unghhs for us to get it right.

It’s not that Parker never speaks. He has a few select words that he offers up, the main one being “doggie.” He is fascinated with the doggies. Doggie barks, and Parker says, “doggie.” Doggie enters the room, Parker says, “Doggie.” Parker sees a horse, his eyes get big and he says. “DOGGIE!”

He also has down our names, which is good. He knows Mommy, Daddy and Allie, which is certainly helpful when we are trying to figure out who is supposed to be taking the unghh direction of the moment.

By all accounts, Parker is right on track for talking. More than anything, I think he has found that he has no need to speak by our terms at this point in time, since we respond so well to his way of speaking.

And there is no doubt that he knows more than he is telling us. Periodically, I will ask him to hand me something in a room, and he always knows what to get. (Note to Dads: One exceptionally cool thing to teach your kid is which section the sports section is. It is way cool to say, “Parker, hand me the sports section” and have him sift through the paper and bring you just the sports, laughing and saying, “BAAAAALLLLL!!!!!” When I showed my wife this trick, she sighed. She’s just jealous. I’m sure she’s going to try and teach him to retrieve her Southern Living or something.)

So we are working with Parker, trying to get him to add a few more words here and there. One thing we have noticed is that most of the words he makes vocabulary mainstays are the ones that are directly beneficial to his wants. Hence, he has mastered “juice,” “cookie” and “mine,” thus allowing him to stake claim to any and all things within his sight. He also offers up a version of “ho-ho-ho” anytime he sees Santa. It’s kind of a “hoo-hoo-hoo,” but we get the picture.

I am sure that this time next year, he will be talking up a storm, using actual words rather than caveman dialog. Although, I guess there’s no reason to panic if he doesn’t expand his vocabulary. I mean, right now he is getting along quite well with his Nell-speak. Who knows. Maybe Parker has developed a communication that exceeds our current methods. Perhaps we should all begin to try it.

Unghh unghh unghh at mgibbons@aikenstandard.com.