CAN

CAN’T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD

So what would you do if you woke up one morning and realized you had something lodged in your ear?

There are two possible answers. The sensible answer, of course, is go to the doctor and have the foreign object removed. Then there is the guy answer, which is to go play golf.

A friend of mine recently opted for the guy solution when he awoke with a start one morning after feeling something wedge snugly in his ear canal.

My friend, whose real name of Joe will be changed to Joey to protect his identity, told me that he was snuggling in for a late Saturday sleep when he felt the sudden pain in his ear. Apparently, this didn’t upset Joey too much, who, according to his recount, got up and went to the shower, where he tried to flood any ear-immigrants. No such luck.

His next move was to wake his wife up. Typical guy stuff. That’s we always get in so much trouble in life. We try to solve things BEFORE consulting our wives. More than likely, the object could have been extracted before the torrent of water shoved it deeper into the canal. But, alas, we guys proudly boast all the common sense of a can of soup. If we would just simply go to our wives first, a lot of problems would be avoided.

HUSBAND: Honey, I got my head stuck in the chair again.

WIFE: Well, let me get you out. And put down the hacksaw.

Joey’s wife got a flashlight and shined it in his ear. She saw nothing. (And a chorus of wives sound in unison, "Because there’s nothing in that head to see!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!" Very funny.)

Apparently, whatever was in his head was deep enough to hide. And did Joey go to a doctor? Did he try other methods of extraction? Nosirree. He grabbed his bag and hit the links. That’s the kind of thing that gets you nominated for Guy of the Year! Only half of you out there can understand this rationale. While some of you think he risked potential bodily harm by letting this slide, the other half of us realize, hey, he had a tee time! Breaking a tee time is like breaking a promise to the golf course. Honesty comes first, my friends.

Later that night, Joey was at dinner. He admits that, all day, his head was kinda hurting. Now, it was a full-blown pounding headache, I’m sure a combination of toting around both the lodged object and the gallon or so of water he used to try and dislodge it. He decided that after dinner, he would head to the pharmacy and see what they could do. Now, I have nothing against pharmacists, but I don’t think they’re exactly a substitute for an emergency room. Granted, I didn’t see the problem with Joey’s choice to go golfing, so clearly my opinions should be discounted.

The pharmacist told them that this kind of thing "happens all the time." I am assuming that he merely told her he had something in his ear, not all of the backstory, because if that happens all of the time, we as a nation are in deep trouble. She said he should pour a little baby oil in his ear, and the foreign object would slide right out. I’ll let Joey tell the rest of the story:

"So, we go home and my wife pours baby oil in my ear. Two seconds later I feel the object dislodge and float out of the ol’ ear canal. Then, my wife runs out of the bathroom screaming. So, I grab some toilet paper, tilt my head back, and let everything fall out. Along with the baby oil and water, a spider is crawling around on the paper. A spider was in my ear for an entire day! Unbelievable. I poured copious amounts of alcohol both in my ear and down my throat that night to stave off any infections. Good thing I have so much brain material in my head that I could spare a few cells for the little guy."

How cool is that!?!?! I mean, where do you start? He had a spider in his ear! A freaking spider! And he went golfing with it! And, his wife ran screaming from the room in disgust and horror! Wow, what a day!

Although I am sure this could have been serious, I’m glad, of course, that nothing detrimental to Joey’s health happened. After all, it’s good natured fun when everything turns out OK. But I think we have all learned a valuable lesson here. And that lesson, of course, is that there is no need to go to an emergency room, because a pharmacy works just fine.