THE ICE STORM COMETH

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So I guess that you, like me, are ready for summer.

Winter weather can be fun, like when it happens far away from me. But it is just no fun around here, in particular when we have ice storms, since the trees around here are designed to hold the weight of its leaves and that is all.

As I am sure you know, it started Sunday night. I was informed of this when my daughter came running in and said, “It’s snowing!”

I went to the door and saw what looked like a misting of possible snow whipping past the porch light. I stepped outside and did a very impressive one-legged dance move that told me that it was not snow, but ice, and that it had made a nicely slippery blanket on the porch.

So I went to bed feeling pretty sure that there would be some ice here and there, but that would be the bulk of it. Nothing major. After all, television weathermen assured us that the bulk of the precipitation was “north of here.” I guess I should have asked for a clarification on “here.”

About 10 p.m., a text scroll on the screen showed that schools would be opening two hours late on Monday. Some time to sleep in, I thought. We have two small children who see no need in sleeping into daylight hours, my wife reminded me.

So the next morning I awoke to find a nice white glistening on trees outside. Having grown up here, I know that it may look pretty and nice, but it’s bad news waiting to happen. Around 10 or so, my wife and kids were ready to head off to school.

I decided I should go ahead and get ready for work, so I hopped in the shower. If you ever need a little pick-me-up in the mornings, I highly recommend you have an enormous pine tree branch crash down on the deck right by the window of the bathroom in which you are showering.

Once I got my heart rate down to a healthy 400, I glanced out and saw that the branch had missed most of the vital components of my deck, and had actually taken out some bushes that I had intended to cut down. Thank you, Mother Nature.

A short while later, I heard another big crash. I saw a big oak tree had lost a branch that was about a foot in diameter and probably 30 feet long had snapped and was dangling over the yard. This was a branch that I had intended to have removed, so once again, thank you, Mother Nature.

My wife and kids showed up a short time later, as school had let out early. My wife said that they were planning on staying in for the day. I mentioned that we had some firewood in case the heat went out. My wife told me that she had no idea how to build a fire. I saw this as a problem. I figured we have enough neighbors who would either have functioning fires or fire-building abilities that she would be able to get something going.

On my way in to work, I stopped to pull several large tree limbs out of the road. I saw a few cars had been struck by tree limbs. Unfortunate for the car owners, for sure. I was feeling rather fortunate that the only damage we had endured was a few tree limbs down. I walked in to work and was met by three co-workers who all stopped dead in their tracks.

“Call your wife,” one of them said, trading glances as if to say, “We know something bad that just happened.”

“Oh,” added one of them, “and you remember that new fence you had?”

“Uh, yeah,” I said.

“Not so new anymore.”

With some trepidation, I called home. My wife answered and I said, “My fence?”

“Your fence,” she said.

Mother Nature had decided to no longer be of assistance, and was now exacting her vengeance on my fence.

Shortly thereafter, another branch fell right near the house. Then another. And another.

When I got home to assess the damage, I found my Salvador Dali-inspired fence, supporting a very large pine branch. I also noticed that my tree count had been cut by about 30 percent. The upside, of course, is that it is more or less required that I use a chainsaw, which is certain to be fun.

In all, I feel fortunate that the bulk of the damage I sustained was a fence. Fences can be replaced. But I can never, ever replace my extreme dislike of winter weather. That’s here for good.