JUST BEING GRAND OL’ DAD
So there I was, standing in the front yard, playing catch
with my three-year-old daughter, Allie.
Parker, my five-month-old son, cooed and laughed as he
watched from his bouncy seat. And the aroma from the hamburgers cooking on the grill
filled the air.
It was Americana.
In fact, two women were walking in the neighborhood and
even commented about my uber-dad performance. “You’re doing it all!” they
remarked, no doubt impressed that I was watching the kids, cooking dinner and just
generally being a super guy.
Oh, if they only they knew.
Truth of the matter, I was out with the kids for the very
necessary reason of allowing my wife to maintain her sanity. Just so happened that playing
catching and grilling worked into the equation.
Apparently, when you are home all day with two small
children, you don’t get to kick your feet up and relax. Unless you consider being
covered in pieces of Candyland relaxing. So some days I come home and find my wife
standing there offering Parker to me. Our conversation usually goes like this:
ME: Uh, you want me to take him?
MY WIFE: I’ve had to go to the bathroom since 11:00.
It was a lot easier with just one child. Allie would take
a couple of pretty lengthy naps during the day, so my wife would have time to take care of
things such as, well, going to the bathroom. But it is apparently a genetic impossibility
to have two children who nap at the same time. So, she is presented with one of three
scenarios at any given point in the day:
1. They are both awake, so she is either cleaning up
spit-up, picking up pieces of Mr. Potato Head, or cleaning up spit-up off of Mr. Potato
Head
2. Allie is asleep, but Parker is awake, which means, for
some unexplainable reason, he will also be hungry, thereby immobilizing my wife.
3. Parker is asleep, but Allie is awake, which means Allie
must be tended to, lest Parker’s nap be ended abruptly by his sister climbing in his
crib and bellowing, “MOMMMYYYYYY!!!! PARKER’S SLEEPING!!!!!!”
I will admit that there are times when I have not shown
the utmost compassion and understanding. Others might argue that I have shown sheer
stupidity. Take, for example, the other night.
I had gotten home from work rather late, and she had
experienced a fairly long evening. As she was getting into the shower at around 2 a.m.,
she remarked that some days she doesn’t even have time to get a shower during the
day. I made a comment that, judging by the steely glare it resulted in, was not the
smartest.
“Well, you have the same hours in your day as
everyone else.”
The next time my wife spoke to me was in the morning, when
she said, “You are lucky you were asleep when I got out of the shower.”
See, the thing is, it was not a knock on her. It was just
a statement that, in fact, she had 24 hours allotted to her. I thought it would perhaps
energize her. I thought maybe she would say, “Look at the great things great people
do in a 24-hour period! I accept the challenge! I have 24 glorious hours to show the world
I am the greatest!!!”
Oh, who am I kidding? It was a moronic comment from the
start. I do make efforts, however, to acknowledge that my wife has her hands full. The
main way I do this, of course, is to live in the same town with my parents and sister.
That way, I figure that not only does my wife get a break, but my children get to spend
time with their grandmother and aunt. Everybody wins!
OK, truth is, I try and help out as much as I can, as I
know that it’s hard work. Any time that I can double the parenting workforce, I know
it’s helpful. And, sometimes it’s nice to let my kids spend some time just with
dear ol’ dad. Besides, everybody needs a bathroom break now and then.