YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

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All I wanted was a toy for a child under three. It seemed easy enough. After all, on the menu, it says, “Ask for a toy for a child under three.”

You see, this all started a few months ago when my child first got a taste of French fries. Since then, she is a fry junkie. If you walk in my house with a brown paper bag, she runs pointing screaming, “FRIES!!!!!” ALLIE WANT FRIES!!!” You can have a bag of nails, but you will never be able to convince her that they are not actually just differently colored and exceptionally sharp fries.

So, on the occasion where we decide for what accounts for fine dining for us these days, we pick her up a child’ meal. And, with said meal comes a toy. Gotta get the toy. And every time I have asked for a toy for a child under three, they always – ALWAYS – give me a toy for a child over three. And the difference is evident. A toy for a child under three will be something like a stuffed animal. Over three? Something like a power drill or a .38.

But each time I have discovered the incorrect toy addition, it has been when I have pulled away from the drive through. And at that point, I just want to get home, because I know that every minute I am away from home is another minute my wife has to hear “DADDY GET ALLIE FRIES!!!” It’s cute the first 72 billion times, but it can take its toll. I’m waiting to come in and find my wife sitting on the ground, rocking back and forth, muttering, “Fries are coming. Fries are coming. Fries are coming.”

So by now, we have developed a fairly extensive collection of toys for children over three. And, of course, Allie sees the toys, and can understand no reason whatsoever that she can’t have them, which results in the following conversation:

ALLIE: Allie want toy!

ME: No, you’re too young.

ALLIE: ALLIE WANT TOY!!!

ME: No, you’re too young.

ALLIE: ALLIE WANT TOY. AND BLUE’S CLUE. ELMO!!!!!!!

MOMMY: Fries are coming. Fries are coming.

So we have decided to start taking the toys back to the restaurant each time we go so that they can give us a more age-appropriate toy, one without removable darts.

Understandably, this is not something that can be done via drive through intercom. I went inside the restaurant and placed my order. I specified that I needed a toy for a child under three. I then offered the cashier one of the over-three toys and asked if I could exchange it. “I was given the wrong toy,” I told her. She stared at me as if I had just said, “I’m not wearing pants. Can I borrow yours?” Without taking her eyes off of me, she handed the toy to the cashier standing next to her.

And what did the cashier next to her do? Ask me for clarification? Apologize for confusion? Of course not! That would be what sane people do. She reached beneath the counter and traded out my 3+ toy for a DIFFERENT 3+ toy.

I took a deep breath. “Uh, I needed to get a toy for a child UNDER three,” I explained, handing the toy back to her.

“But there’s a toy for a child under three in that bag,” she said motioning to the most recently purchased kid’s meal.

“Yeah, I know, but this was from a previous kid’s meal purchase. You gave me the wrong toy. I need to get the correct one.”

“But there’s already a toy in the bag.”

“But…” I had to take a deep breath. “OK, I know that. I just purchased that today. This toy,” I said, pointing vigorously at the 3+ toy in her hand, “came with a purchase I made weeks ago. And my child is still not three. Not even two, in fact. Can I just get that toy changed out for a toy for a child under three?”

I really wasn’t sure how many times I could explain what seemed like the most obvious thing on the planet to me. There were hamburgers on the griddle that could have figured this out.

Eventually, the cashier just shook her head at me and handed me a toy for a child under three. She sorta pitched it to me and mumbled something, obviously thinking I was a complete loon. I started to engage her again, just to make sure she understood the simple basic tenet of customer purchases and maybe some general trade overviews, but decided I should just take my daughter’s age appropriate prize and go home.

I did check to make sure both prizes were for children under three, which they were. Granted, they were the identical thing, but you can’t be picky when you’re dealing with sub-burger rationale.

When I got home, my daughter was very happy to have not only fries but also two – count ‘em TWO – new toys. My wife, too, was very excited. “Fries are coming,” she said.