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BIRD WATCHING

You know, I consider myself to be a fairly courteous driver.

I let poor souls who are stuck trying to get onto roads cut in front of me in traffic. I make a concerted effort to use my turn signals. I even refrain from the habit of my younger days, which involved letting certain drivers know what I think of their driving. (I credit that change to my wife, who is from Atlanta. One time in Atlanta, I was cut off in traffic, and I began to express my displeasure in a quite animated fashion. She immediately broke me of this habit by saying, “This is Atlanta. They will probably shoot you.”)

So for the most part, I consider myself the kindest, most generous driver on the planet. In fact, I open the mailbox every day half expecting to see a citation from the president citing my tremendous driving prowess.

So you can imagine my shock when, during the course of a standard day of

good driving, I was offered a single finger salute by a woman. My son and I were heading to the store for a quick errand. As we approached the entrance to the shopping center, I saw that an SUV was coming out. I pulled closer and saw that the vehicle was completely blocking the entrance. This was not hard, since the SUV was only slightly smaller than the Superdome.

I slowed to a stop, sizing up my options. I drive a Honda Civic, so I am only a bit larger than most road kill. Obviously, ramming speed was not going to be an option. I waited for a second, figuring the driver of the vehicle was perhaps tending to an upset child or picking up groceries that had spilled or in the back of the SUV shooting hoops on a full-size basketball court.

At this point, I had been stopped for a good 10 seconds, which is longer than I care to be stopped on a busy street. Realizing that the person obviously did not know that the vehicle was completely blocking the entrance, I gave what I consider a quite courteous “toot-toot” on the horn. It was not a long, drawn-out HOOONK!!!!! It was not one of those annoying little “beep-beep-beep-beeeeeeeeeeeep!” Toot-toot. That was it. It was the “Hey, just bring this to your attention” of honks.

At that point, the driver whipped her head towards me. I saw the reason for the delay, as she began talking quite animatedly in the cell phone that was pressed to the side of her head. Surely, I thought, she was telling the other person on the line what a courteous honk I had just offered up.

At that point, I extended my arm in a nice sweeping motion, indicating that the road was open and awaiting her. Apparently, this did not go over well with the driver, who promptly raised her middle finger to me, telling me just what she thought of my well-intentioned honk and motion.

Now, the old me would have not turned in the parking lot. The old me would have followed the driver until I was able to explain that I was TRYING to be nice, and that a hand gesture was not necessary. If someone holds a door open for her, do you think she tells the person where they can stick the door? I would have trailed this woman, even if she were on her way to Maryland or something, just so I could get even with her at a stoplight, roll down my window and say, “I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE!!!”

But that was the old me. And the old me didn’t travel with a toddler in his car, and a wife to answer to at home. I am fairly sure that becoming the Roadway Manners Vigilante would be frowned upon for starters, but including my son as my sidekick in my ill-advised plan would really get me in hot water.

In the end, I just did what seemed to be the kindest response. I threw my arms up and said loudly, “WHAT THE....” And I stopped. My son is getting very closer to parroting age, and I don’t really want him coming home sharing blue streaks with his sister over juice boxes.

I guess that I will just have to give her the benefit of the doubt that she misinterpreted my actions, and was maybe having a bad day. Maybe she’ll read this and know that I was just trying to be courteous. And that I am glad the only thing she shot was the bird.