PLEASE FENCE ME IN

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I thought one fence was enough. We have a very nice wooden fence that surrounds our back yard. Works quite well. However, within the confines of my backyard is a swimming pool. And said fence does nothing to keep an exceptionally curious toddler away from said pool. So we decided to put a second fence up around the pool. At first, I was a little hesitant. We’re careful, I said. We lock doors, I said. We watch our daughter, I said. However, throw in the fact that my daughter can now (a) climb out of her crib and (b) unlock doors, and it was not a very tough sell.

We explored numerous options for pool safety. The first thing we thought of was a cover, one of those ones that is so strong you can actually drive a car on. But we would never be able to get our cars through our back gate, so what would be the point of that? I mean, why pay the money for something that is strong enough to hold your car if you can’t actually get your car out there to try it out?

We then looked into these removable mesh gates designed for pools. Somehow, one member of my family who shall remain nameless got into an e-mail argument with a salesperson, and so that same member of the family decided that all mesh fences were bad ideas, despite what the unnamed family member’s husband or daughter may have thought.

So we decided on a wrought iron fence that would go around the perimeter of the concrete around the pool. And then we priced wrought iron. Apparently, inside each wrought iron fence is solid gold. I could have installed a diamond fence for cheaper.

Just when we thought we were all out of options, we came across a flyer from a home improvement store, and inside was a special new deal they had with fencing. It looks like wrought iron, but is actually aluminum, and also costs less than most new cars. So we went and measured the area we would want fenced, and came back to the store to price our potential fence buy.

OK, so the store wasn’t exactly giving them away, but it was still the best option we had so far. We decided to take the plunge and order the fence. I would round up some help by offering them top dollar pay (read: beer), and have the fence installed in no time.

The salesman told me that the standard shipping time was three weeks, but that it would probably roll in after about two. And let me take time out to say, Hi, my name’s Mike, and I’m a gullible sucker. (And pause for “Hi, Mike.”)

Well into week two, I realized that the fence was not going to arrive early. No purchase every comes early. Ever. And if you tell me that you know of an instance where it did, I have to say that you are either sadly mistaken or just an uncontrollable liar, because it does not happen.

A couple of days before the three-week deadline, I called to check on the status of my order. It was during this call that I received one of the more laughably annoying comments I have ever heard: “Yeah, uh, can you like, call back later. I’ve got a bunch of customers here.”

Excuse me? I am a customer, Bub. And I just dropped a lot more green than those people lining up to ask you what aisle the screwdrivers are on. I would have said this to him, in probably a very curt tone, but I was too welled up with anger to do anything. Any time you can start feeling the pulse in your temple, it’s time to hang up and take a deep, deep breath.

After bringing my blood pressure down to a respectable level, I called back again and spoke with a manager. She was very courteous and polite, and didn’t pass the buck. She told me that she was fairly certain my order would arrive on time, and that they would call me back to confirm.

Fast forward to Monday, the due date for my fence. I eagerly await my call all day. I get no call. So I call. And my fence has apparently not shipped. But they’re looking into it. By that evening, I find out that it has not shipped, and that they do not know when it will ship.

I won’t bore you with the details of EVERY call I made, but let’s just say I made quite a few. It’s always a good feeling to know that there is a very real possibility that people are cursing you behind your back. It just makes you feel loved. But because I have a wretched consumer karma, no major purchase can ever go right, so I have to turn into the world’s most annoying customer, always bugging people with pesky questions like, “Is my order in yet?” and “Seriously – is it in yet?”

In fairness to the store, they were at the mercy of the vendor. Of course, the vendor was only two hours away, so it really shouldn’t have taken a week to make the distance, unless they were having it dragged to my house my dogs. Eventually, the order did make it in, and it was unceremoniously dropped in my driveway like a relief crate.

Now the fence is in the backyard, disassembled and just waiting for the magic touch to become a fence. Truth me told, I think I may have to hire someone to put up the fence. I hope they take beer.