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TRACKING THROUGH THE VOID

I think we need to go back to the Pony Express. From now on, whenever you need to send a package to someone, you just hand it off to a guy on a horse, and he personally takes it there. I am convinced this would be far more effective than our current options.

I base this on two parcel delivery instances that have occurred of late, one to me and one to my sister.

The first instance came when I was waiting on an important package. Because of the importance of this package, the sender had specified that it would arrive by 10:30 in the morning. I REALLY needed this package, so I eagerly anticipated 10:30. Unfortunately, 10:30 came and went, and I was packageless.

Being technologically savvy, I went to the internet to use the online tracking system of this company. There, I discovered that the package was in town, as it had been for about eight hours, but was apparently in some city-wide void that prohibited its prompt delivery.

I decided to call the company and see what exactly was going on with my package, and what exactly “10:30 am” meant to them. It was during that call that I met one of the least shiny stars in that company’s galaxy. As proof, I offer you a transcript of our conversation. Sadly, I have not taken any artistic liberty. She was this dumb all on her own:

ME: My package was supposed to me here by 10:30. It was in town hours ago, but it still hasn’t made it here. I have GOT to get that package ASAP.

FEDEX: Well, sir, there have been severe weather conditions that have caused the delays.

ME: But it was here early this morning.

FEDEX: Yes, sir, I understand, but the weather problems are in Memphis.

ME: But...it’s here. It was here this morning. Weather in Memphis has no effect on it.

FEDEX: Well, there could be severe weather there.

ME: Not unless you consider partly cloudy and 65 severe weather.

FEDEX: Some do.

ME: Who? Who considers that severe weather?

FEDEX: Sir, I'm sorry, but I cannot do anything about the weather condition.

ME: THONK! THONK! THONK! (Sound of phone receiver being repeatedly smacked against my head.)

The woman told me that she would look into it – perhaps check and see what the weather was where she was – and call me back. I figured that there was very little chance this woman could successfully dial a phone, so I called back a few minutes later and spoke to a different staff member, one who actually remembered her brain on that day. She made a call to someone, who made a call to the driver, who dropped the package off about 15 minutes later.

Another delivery headache happened when my sister sent me something from Miami via another delivery avenue. When she was mailing the package, she was sold an Online Tracking Number for $1.50. I didn’t know they charged to give you tracking numbers, but apparently these folks do, at least to my sister.

So several days later, the package had not arrived. My sister decided to put her new purchase to use and track the package online. She entered in the number and was provided the following information: “Your package was mailed from Miami on March 26th at 2:26.” That was it. Now, can you explain to me who would need a reminder of when and where they mailed the package? I’ll tell you who – chronic blackout drunks and people in need of a rock solid alibi, that’s who..

The sole purpose of my sister springing up the extra dough was not to play the “Where Were You?” game, but rather to find out if the package was getting anywhere closer to my house. Eventually, the package did arrive, not that she would have been able to tell online.

You see, if she had just handed this off to a gristled cowboy and said, “Head north, son, until you see the Gibbons’ ranch,” we could have avoided a lot of headaches. Similarly, no Pony Express rider is going to blame weather in Memphis on his delivery issues. Smallpox? Maybe so. Arrow through the head? Perhaps. But a little rough weather in Memphis? Hardly.

E-mail me at mwg1234@yahoo.com.