COMPUTER GETS WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER

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Note to self: Never, ever, ever try and improve my computer. Because every time I try to improve it, the only thing that happens is that I most certainly make it worse.

Normally, when I muck things up on my machine, it is because I try and add programs. As you know, that is the worst thing you can ever do to a computer. The most perfectly running computer is one that has no programs on it whatsoever. If you had any two programs, they are bound to conflict, and in the process cause a completely separate and seemingly unrelated function to no longer work. For example, you open a word document, and then try to install a card game, and suddenly your ice maker goes on the fritz.

But each and every time I have botched my computer, I have been able to get friends of mine to rectify the situation. Most of my friends know way more about computers than I do. Granted, most oak trees no more about computers than I do.

So I was hardly learning my lesson each time I messed up, and was in fact feeling quite confident about working on my computer, knowing full well that, once I was done, I would only have to call someone to undo my mess.

You may recall that a few months ago I changed my Internet provider. Needless to say, there were bunches of complications. But, as usual, I managed to get those straightened out, so I had no concerns over getting suckered into a free trial that was e-mailed to me. Never mind that I was going to try out the same company I had not only left a few months prior, but one that I even written a column about how I was breaking free from its icy grip. Maybe it was my fault, I convinced myself.

Well, as anyone who has ever been so foolish as to pop in a disc that was randomly sent to you can attest, my computer immediately began to go haywire. One of the first things that popped up was something that told me it was going to “optimize” my system. Like a good little robot, I clicked OK, not stopping to think that optimization is in the eye of the beholder.

After sheepishly clicking OK at every prompt, I tried to fire up my free trial, to which my computer responded by shutting down programs and, for some reason, erasing the picture on my desktop.

I decided I would forgo my free trial and stick with my current provider. However, the free trial was apparently a carnivorous beast and had eaten the other program, and I had absolutely no online access. I decided the only way to solve the problem was to completely remove the new program from my system.

I did what I think I was supposed to, which was go to the Control Panels and tell it to remove the program. It told me it could not remove part of it. Hardly fair, I thought.

I then went into the bowels of the system and deleted the remnants that were there, just for good measure. Well, while there, I saw a bunch of folders of old programs that had not been used in years. “Hey,” I thought, “I can clear these out of here!” And off I went on a mad deletion frenzy. It was with a great feeling of accomplishment that I emptied my recycle bin.

And then I went to cut on some music. I have a collection of MP3s on my computer (all obtained legally and through the proper channels, so save your subpoenas, Mr. RIAA Lawyer Who May Read This). Well, said MP3s were apparently nestled deep in the heart of one of those old folders, and when a 3-year old wants to hear ABBA’s “Dancing Queen,” you better produce ABBA’s “Dancing Queen.” (Note to readers: That was my wife’s selection. I swear.)

I consulted numerous friends and asked about my predicament. Most of them told me that (a) I could most likely bring the files back but (b) it would cost money for the program and (c) I should not tell people I was trying to restore an ABBA song.

I have since tried several free programs, with no success. As you can see, the fact that I continue to download new programs shows what a dolt I am. Maybe I just need to start over and strip down my computer to the basics. I can just add the essentials, such as a word processor and a calculator. And a copy of “Dancing Queen.”