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EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN COLLEGE

Oh, it’s getting close. I can smell it in the air. Every Saturday morning when I wake up, I realize I am another step closer to the start of college football season.

For me, the kickoff of the season starts with the display of an Alabama flag in front of the house, relocating Bear Bryant’s portrait into the den where he can see the television, and blaring “Sweet Home Alabama” for a good seven seconds until my wife reminds me that I am not, technically, still in the fraternity house.

But college football season is not just about college football. OK, that’s idiotic. Of course it’s just about college football. But it does bring back floods of memories from me, and many of them involve my days in college, which in turn allows me to reflect on the things I learned during my days at the Capstone. Sure, I learned all of that stuff that they taught in those groups (classes?) in those big buildings (classrooms?). But the life lessons I learned in college were the things that will certainly stay with me. Some were through my own experiences, and others were learned by watching others who, kindly enough, taught me valuable lessons through their own missteps. It was advice that is not just practical in college, but to carry you through a prosperous life.

1. If someone asks to use hedge trimmers and prefaces it with, “I promise I won’t cut the extension cord,” do not give him the hedge trimmers.

2. When your friends agree to do something dangerous only if you go first, they will never do it.

3. The police are your friends. If they are not being your friends, there is probably a reason for that.

4. When in doubt, throw it out. This applies to food, medicine, perfume,clothes and life-changing decisions made at last call.

5. Certain things should never, ever be purchased on a whim, including wedding rings, tattoos and pets.

6. Jeans and T-shirts are the most comfortable clothes known to man. But that doesn’t mean they should be worn on a job interview. Or to a funeral.

7. Never loan money to a friend unless he agrees to give you collateral in the form of a picture of himself wearing nothing but a Speedo and a Cher makeover.

8. Spreading lies is something that will always come around to bite you. Sharing funny but embarrassing stories about someone who has too much fun at a Christmas party and gets in a wrestling match with a Christmas tree is a moral imperative.

9. If you are the person who wrestled said tree, the best defense is a good offense. Share the story first. And bring others down with you if you must.

10. Fashion is fine. Spending more on clothes each month than you make in a month is just plain moronic.

11. That person working at the grocery line or the video store or the clothes shop who was less than pleasant? Not out to get you. Just trying to make it through the day, much like you.

12. The person who cut you off in traffic? Very possibly out to get you. Keep an eye out.

13. For every new movie you see, make a point of seeing an old one. The older ones are usually better. And it will probably mean you don’t have to see the next thinly veiled remake that hits the big screen.

14. You will spend the majority of your life sleeping and working. Unless you can land a position that pays you for sleeping, do something you enjoy. If you can’t find something you enjoy, sleep a lot.

15. It’s just life. The sun will come up tomorrow. It’s not that big of a deal. Life’s too short. Insert cliche here. But they’re all true. Taking things too seriously will seriously diminish the quality of your life.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go dust my Bear Bryant portrait.