DECK THE HALLS

I am pleased to report that my Christmas lights are up, and I managed to get stuck on the roof only once. You may think that one time is far too many times. You obviously don’t

know me. My wife had tasked me with the decor while she and the kids were out of town. She figured this would be a good idea because (a) it would give me some time to focus without distractions and (b) it would mean my impressionable daughter would be well out of ear shot when Daddy began decking the halls with boughs of colorful language after getting shocked by an exposed wire.

When I brought all of the holiday decorations out of the closet, I was pretty worried about what I would find. My traditional method of packing seasonal items involves cramming as much as possible into a box, and then using my foot to cram it all down to make more space for more stuff.

Then I remembered that last year, my wife had packed all of the Christmas decorations. Apparently, after she pulled out about the 20^th broken ornament, she decided I was unfit to pack ever again. (Well played, Mr. Gibbons! Well played!)

So I was pleased to find that the items were in very neat, very well labeled order. I pulled out a box labeled “lights” and was pleased to find lights. I brought all of the lights outside and set them out in my driveway. I figured this would give me a chance to survey the task before me, as well as to crush several dozen when I accidentally stepped on them. My wife had decided that this year we would decorate the house line with rope lights. I apparently did not get a vote, because scurrying up a ladder is not my favorite thing in the world to do. But alas, I obeyed my directives.

The lights are held up with these little clips that have to be screwed in the roof every few feet. For much of the roof, I would have to extend the ladder to its highest point to attach the clips. I estimate the height of our house to be 43,000 feet. The right side of the house was easy, because the garage roof was right there, and I could stand on sort-of solid ground to affix the clips. But as I moved away from the roof, things got more hairy. For one thing, I could only reach one or two clips at a time before I had to descend, move the ladder, and climb back up. I, of course, was looking for a shortcut, so I would try and lean just a tad more, inevitably dropping the clip and the screwdriver.

By the time I got to the middle of the house, I figured I was in for another easy ride. There is a roof over our porch that I could stand on and easily attach five or six clips. I put the ladder next to the porch, climbed up to the roof level, and stepped onto the roof. Easy as can be.

I attached the clips, and proceeded to get back on the ladder. That’s when my brain turned on and I realized it was probably not very smart to have left enough space that I had to make a little jump from the ladder to the roof. Ladder to roof? Not a problem. Roof to ladder? Big problem.

I tried to ease my left foot to the ladder, which was about two feet from the roof. I felt my right foot sliding just a bit. Not good. I gripped the window ledge for support, and extended my foot toward the ladder. It almost gave the appearance of inching away from me. I retreated back to the roof to contemplate my possibilities. (As some of you may remember, this is not the first time I have found myself stuck on a roof.) I surveyed my options. Jump down? Crawl through a window? Brave the ladder? Finally, I opted for, “DAVE!!!” I had seen my neighbor out in his yard earlier, and fortunately he was still within shouting distance.

He only mocked me for a few minutes before assisting me in getting off the roof.

Aside from that, the rest of the decorating went well. The house is all aglow in Christmas cheer, and we can sit back and enjoy the season. Especially since I don’t have to pack anything up.