LATE NIGHT CAR CLEANING FUN

I am not sure what came over me, but for some reason, at 10 p.m. the other night, I decided to go and clean out my wife's car.

This was not smart for several reasons. First off, it was 10 p.m., so I probably should have been heading to bed. Or at the very least settling down for the 87,000th viewing of "Shawshank Redemption" on cable. (Little known fact: The only time "Shawshank" is not shown on cable television is when it is preempted for "Roadhouse.")

Another reason why this was ill advised is that my wife's car is the primary mode of transport for two small children. If you have never had children in your car, you can easily replicate the sensation by emptying 46 boxes of Cheerios and several aisles of a toy store into your car and shaking it vigorously.

Before I continue, let me clarify one thing. While the car was not exactly showroom clean, it's not like it was a rolling health hazard. It's just the typical child transport vehicle. I don't think we were in any danger of having possums move in to nest or anything.

I figured I would take a methodical approach to the cleaning. First, I decided, I would collect all of the loose clothing that was in the car. A coat and maybe a pair of gloves, I figured. Oh, silly me. By the time I was done collecting articles of clothing, I could have easily outfitted a medium-sized kindergarten. And one thing became very clear: Every single morning, when it's time to get the kids ready, we search frantically to find socks. Our mistake, I learned, was that we were not searching under the seat of the car.

I found socks. And some more socks. And some more socks. But the weird thing is that they always enter the car with socks on, and they always leave the car with socks on. So they are either bringing socks with them or knitting when we're not looking.

Once I had removed the Baby Gap from the car, I moved onto the toys. Actually, it's inaccurate to say toys. A better description would be parts of what used to be toys. Apparently, a toy in the car is not much fun when it is intact. I also recovered numerous books, many of which I am fairly sure we have never owned.

With most of the stuff out, I was ready to tackle the hard-core cleaning. When I pulled out the car seats, I found that my biggest challenge was yet to come. My daughter is a big fan of lollipops.

When she initially discovered her love of the candy, I behaved in the manner of many first-time parents. I set down strict rules. One per day. Never in the car. Only when sitting.

And then I discovered that her love of lollipops leads to nice, quiet rides. I estimate that my daughter has approximately 400 lollipops over the course of a trip to the store. OK, OK, so that's an exaggeration. I don't rely on lollipops as a means to keep my daughter quiet on trips. I also use Gummi Bears.

When I pulled back the carseats, I was provided with an answer to the question of what she did with the sticks after consuming the lollipop.

Unfortunately, I should have asked the question about 200 store trips ago, and that would have saved me from the fun task of using a spatula to try and pry lollipops sticks from under the seat.

The final stage in the cleaning process was the vacuuming.

That, of course, is an easy final step. And, as a public service to you, I will offer this handy vacuuming tip: When using a canister shop vacuum, make sure that the canister lid is securely fastened. Otherwise, your vacuum turns into a high-powered blower that sprays nasty shop dust all over the room at about 200 mph. I look forward to the dust cloud settling over the next few months.

So the clean car reclamation project was a huge success. My wife was very pleased with the result, and said she knows that the children appreciate the clean car as well.

That last part, of course, is not true. Children do not appreciate cleanliness. If they did, they would not be children. But it was a nice touch on her part.

I am sure that over the next few months, the car will revert to its pre-cleaned state. But that's fine by me, because I know that I can easily tackle the project once again. I can afford to take a little bit of time to do it. I can always pick up "Shawshank" at the next viewing.