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THE BINDING LEGAL DOCUMENT WITH AMERICA

Dear President Bush,

No, not you. The other one. It appears you have gone and become president. I was holding out hope for a while there that the Supreme Court would appoint me to the highest office in the land, but that hope appears to be diminishing.

That said, I think it only fair I share with you what would have been the cornerstone of my administration had the Supreme Court not snubbed me in such a manner (we’re not through, Scalia). My plan was simple: focus on the real issues. Enough about Social Security and education and other "issues." Let’s get to heart of the matter. President Bush, I give to you my Binding Legal Document with America. If you take these simple ideas and run with them, there is a good chance people will stop referring to you as Dubya.

Abolish the love tax. Love tax, you say - what love tax? I’m talking about Valentine’s Day, my friends. Can it. Get rid of it. It’s time to run Hallmark and their oppressive romance overlords out of business.
If you operate a retail outlet and you put a Christmas decoration up before Thanksgiving, and Marilyn Manson will come and stand in front of the store and try and kiss every customer.
Every child will be given a first name that is (a) simple (b) boring and (c) easily and conventionally spelled. If you want to give your child some funky name, assign it in the middle. There are roughly 17 billion people named "Michael" on this planet, and we don’t get ourselves confused. Spelling it Myckull only makes your child the subject of routine playground ridicule. And no making up names. You name your child Ashgueofllydia and you’re going to prison. And your child’s new name will be Frank, which will be especially tough if it’s your daughter, so think about that before you get all creative.
Anyone who takes the last cup of coffee and does not make a new pot in an office will immediately be branded a communist.
Simple lesson for terrorists - you do something that upsets us, we turn Afghanistan into a very large crater. This includes cutting in front of us in traffic. Playtime’s over, fellas. We make the rules.
Congress will be locked in a room with no food or water, and Gordon Lightfoot’s "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" playing over and over and over. They will not be allowed to leave until they come out with a tax plan that (a) lowers taxes for all Americans and (b) requires no more than three minutes to complete each year. What’s that you say? You can’t make it so folks can do their taxes during a commercial break? Hmm. Maybe if we turned the music up a little louder it would help. Now back to work.
New crime law - if you are a celebrity and you get arrested for the 73 millionth time, you go to jail. And anyone who says, "He’s such a talented actor and we’re just concerned about his health" goes to jail with you. I know the acting fraternity is all touchy-feely and in love with their doped up counterparts, but sometimes tough love is the only way to go. Sorry, Mr. Downey, but 42 strikes and you’re out.
As far as national defense goes, we’re going back to the days of toting an M-X missile around on the back of a truck. Not that it does anything, but I always thought it was a cool show of force. It was flexing our muscles and nearly ripping off our T-shirt. That was cool.
If you wait for someone to back out of a parking space at the store, all the while there is a perfectly fine parking place right next to it, you will be banned from parking within six miles of any store ever again.
Anyone who loudly points out painfully obvious plot points in a theater will have to spend their remaining days duct-taped to Paul Sorvino.

So there you have it. With these simple 10 steps, you, Mr. Bush, can be the greatest president this country has seen. Or at least the greatest President Bush. But you’d better hurry, because Valentine’s Day is fast approaching.