BURN, BABY BURN, CD BURNER

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You know what would be cool? I mean other than personal helicopters.

It would be cool if someone would design a computer that, when you added a piece of hardware, just worked, without you having to go to MacGyver measures to make things actually perform as advertised.

Recently, I added a CD burner to my computer and I’ve gotta tell you – there have been narcoleptic DMV workers who worked with less prodding.

For those of you who are not familiar with computers and/or the world of pirated music, CD burners are devices that allow users to create their own compact discs, either through copying other audio CDs, or using electronic files of songs. You can also store data on them, but let’s face it – what’s more fun? Making CDs or storing up last year’s tax records?

The CD burner that I got boasts that all I would have to do was plug it in and I would be well on my way to a bootleg music career. It also bragged that it was "hot swappable." I have no idea what that means, but you have to admit it sounds very important.

The first thing I noticed when I opened my new CD burner was that it came with no instructions. How great was this!?!? So simple they didn’t even bother to provide you with instructions that you would just ignore anyway! Sensing a great opportunity to get started, I plugged the CD burner in and popped in the installation disc, knowing I was just minutes away from success.

In a few short moments, the computer told me that the installation was complete, and everything was rip-roaring ready to go. In a flash, I popped in a CD and grabbed some electronic files, and told the computer to commence to copying.

The computer replied by telling me the drive I was sending to was unavailable. I looked over on my computer desk. It was very much available. It’s not like it was taking a call or in a meeting or something. It was just sitting there. So I tried again. Still unavailable. Then I tried calling the computer a not very nice name. Nothing. I even did the same thing that most novice computer users have tried, which is to leave the room and then come back in – almost sneak back in – 15 minutes later and try the exact same thing, as if I’m going to catch my computer off-guard and it’ll forget to screw up.

ME: Don’t mind me. Just here getting some papers…COPY!!!!!!

COMPUTER: Copying files, sir…HEY, WAIT A SEC – Oh, you’re good!

But, of course, the computer is always on alert, and the surprise attack never works. So, I resorted to the next step, which was to dive blindly into the perilous world of tech support. I am sure some of you out there may work in tech support, and I am sure you are fine people and all, but can I make a suggestion? Each and every time someone calls with a computer problem, how about NOT suggesting that I completely erase everything on my computer and start from scratch? Just a thought.

So, after 10 minutes or so of convincing the nice young man that I was not going to "go back to square one," we decided to try and pinpoint the problem. He asked me if the drive was making any noises. I told him it was. He instructed me to put the phone up to the drive so he could hear it. I’m not positive, but I am pretty sure this is how tech support people determine whether or not they are talking with someone with brains made of tuna salad. When I complied, I am sure I was immediately labeled Charliehead.

He told me that he couldn’t hear anything wrong (holding back laughter, I’m sure), and that we would run some diagnostics. I have no idea where, exactly, we went on our diagnostic journey. We ventured into areas of my computer that, quite frankly, I’m not sure were meant to be explored. Somehow, several hours after going into the cyber Amazon, we emerged and, to my surprise, the CD burner worked!

I was thrilled, ecstatic, and plenty of other words that mean excited and happy. My problems were behind me. All systems were go! Time to fire it up and get rolling with my new CD burner and all of its glory!

Not so fast, said the computer Gods. Remember that youthful exuberance I showed when I noticed there was no instruction manual? Well, it turns out not only was there an instruction manual, but it was miles longer than any I had ever seen. So big – it was contained on a CD, with pages and pages and pages of instructions! What were they expecting me to do!?!? Read instructions? There was only one way around this nightmare. I had a working CD burner, but a mountain of instructions to wade through. In no time, my wife should be through reading the instructions. I just hope she’ll show me how to use it.