THE WEEK THAT WAS

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So if you recall, the last time I was a temporary bachelor, I pretty much failed miserably. My wife and daughter went out of town for a long weekend, and the extent of my raucous partying came in the form of painting a hallway.

So this time, when I found out my family was going to be gone for an entire week, I did the sensible thing – I went ahead and planned to do a bunch of mundane tasks and not even try and exploit my bachelor status, since I would most likely only fail again.

I mean, let’s face it, after several years of being a boring suburbanite, it’s kinda hard to spring back into the party lifestyle. Throw in the fact that all of my friends and I have actual real jobs, and that kinda puts a damper on staying out until 2 am on weeknights.

Before they went away, I made a long list of things I planned to accomplish during their absence. This would be the time to finish chores that are not easily accomplished with the assistance of a two-year old. For those of you not familiar with toddler assistance, it can somewhat complicate a task. If you do not have a two-year old readily available, go out and get a Capuchin monkey. Feed it four gallons of espresso. Then try and install a closet shelf with the monkey in the closet with you.

My list included numerous exciting tasks: the aforementioned shelf installation, some general, minor home repair, and some household organization that was desperately needed, lest I file next year’s tax returns with a note saying, “Please do not audit me, as the majority of my receipts are stored in an old tea kettle at the back of my garage.” (The major item on the list was the installation of a fence in my backyard, but that will have to wait for several columns down the road. I need to wait and see how it plays out first.)

As I started down my list, I noticed one thing that has changed dramatically in my life – silence is deafening. I am so used to the sounds of “ELMO! ELMO! ELMO!” and the creation of a drum out of any household item that complete silence in my house is strange and unsettling. So my first step, rather than actually to do any work, was to crank up the stereo. A little bit of bachelor living would creep in after all.

So I fired up the stereo, cranked up the volume and set off to work. And as soon as I heard, at volume 8, “THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND…” I sprinted back to the stereo to put in a CD of my choosing.

So once the music was set, the tools were in order, and I had prioritized my work, I started whittling away at my list. And, sadly, it took me all of about three hours to complete my entire list. So there I was, Sunday evening with my list completed and a whole week of being bored out of my skull in my exceptionally quiet and still house. I know some of you think that would be a nice option, and it was at times, but for the most part, I enjoy the raucous sounds of a full house. My daughter goes to bed pretty early, so I can always have some quiet, wind-down time in the evenings if I have to. I enjoy a good, loud time for a good part of the day.

So, in order to keep busy, I began to create chores. And I really had to struggle. Let’s replace all of the light bulbs that are out, I thought. That took about two minutes, seeing as how one bulb in the entire house was out. Let’s cut the grass, I thought. 15 minutes. Let’s sit on the couch and see what’s on TV. OK, that took about four hours. But I still was not exactly cramming my schedule with productive activities.

After several days, I managed to find a few other things to keep myself busy with. Mainly, these involved going to the store and buying something I thought we needed, bringing it home to find out we didn’t need it, and then going back to the store to return it. You can use up a substantial chunk of time enacting this cycle. Note to husbands trying to do home improvement in the design arena – leave shower curtain selection up to your wife. I was convinced that I knew what color our bathroom was. When I brought home a new shower curtain, I realized that I had picked a color that was such a clashing opposite that even I could tell it didn’t match. And if you are producing colors that are offensive to me, well, you’ve done something there. The curtain actually shrieked and tried to avoid going in the bathroom it was such a mismatch. I was amazed to find out that our bathroom was a completely different color than I thought in my mind. Of course, a few years ago my wife and I argued over the color of our house. I said it was tan. She said it was grey. I went outside to look. Indeed, it was grey. Shows how observant I am.

At the end of the week, I had managed to keep busy enough to get plenty done, without succumbing to paralytic boredom. I was glad when they finally got back, because the house really had been too quiet for too long. That and we really needed a new shower curtain.