2001

2001 – THE YEAR IN PREVIEW

Folks, we have made it through another year together. We’ve gotten older, wiser, and in some cases, larger. But the year 2000 does not even hold a candle to what is in store for us in 2001. Curious? How’s about a sneak peek?

The new year gets off to an inauspicious beginning, as calendar-minded computer viruses note that Jan. 1, 2001 is actually the start of new millennium, and crash networks around the globe. Planes drop from the sky, banking systems collapse, and missiles around the globe are set off. Fortunately, the world is too hung over to care, and it all passes over.

Also in January, the 43^rd President of the United States, George W. Bush, is sworn in. Republican leaders cheer the new president as a new hero of bi-partisan leadership. Sen. Trent Lott says, "Finally, we have someone who can bridge the gap, and make the Democrats do things our way. Now that’s working together!"

Al Gore roams the White House, although he must stay behind the velvet ropes with the rest of the tour.

In February, the sporting world is shocked when, much like Michael Jordan and Mario Lemieux before him, Babe Ruth announces he is coming out of retirement. Doctors also raise a collective eyebrow.

The XFL kicks off its inaugural season in February. In the first game, there are 24 injuries requiring players to be removed on stretchers. Vince McMahon apologizes, promising more carnage next week.

In March, spring training gets into full swing, as 205 strapping young lads show up in Florida to help carry Alex Rodriquez’s wallet.

Also in March, the Academy Awards are held. Celebrities, always trying to outdo one another, go over the top with the outfits this year. Cher is seen wearing an Oscar de la Renta made entirely of live baby ducks.

April gets off to a rough start when President Bush prank calls Yasser Arafat for April Fool’s Day. Not understanding the tradition and not knowing who Prince Albert is, Arafat attacks England.

Millions of Americans raise a fuss around the middle of April, demanding a simpler and more fair tax system. On April 16, most Americans forget what they were complaining about after being distracted by a Dukes of Hazzard re-run on TNN.

In May, groundbreaking visionary Mike Gibbons celebrates his third wedding anniversary. A surprised public says, "What is she thinking?"

Also in May, high school seniors prepare for the final days of high school and look forward to being passed the torch of the future by picking on the different kid, spreading rumors about a cheerleader, and stealing cigarettes from the convenience store down the street.

In June, those same kids make treks en masse to the nation’s beaches to celebrate senior week. Alas, the different kids are sent to some geeky camp, which is fine, because the cool kids would simply bury them in the sand and take their glasses, but one day, those different kids will get the last laugh! That’s right – one day we’ll…oh, sorry. Moving on.

In July, the nation celebrates its birthday. President Bush is scolded repeatedly by secret service agents for using sparklers in the Oval Office. Senior officials explain "They’re purty" is not an excuse.

Record temperatures hit the nation, leading thousands of people to remark, "Hey, waddya know? It IS the heat."

Children head back to school in August. Roughly 40 percent of the students have lost their limp following what can only be called "The Summer of the Scooter."

Bill Clinton re-enters the spotlight in August, as officials begin to move forward with a trial against him. Clinton argues the decision, saying, "Look, this is just about sex. Hot, dirty, forbidden sex by the most powerful man in the free world and some 21-year-old intern. What’s the big deal?"

Celebrities take center stage in spotlight in September, as a couple of them get arrested, a few of them go into rehab, some get pregnant, and others have a big wedding or kid or something. Critics agree that, in this regard, September is just like every other month since the invention of Hollywood.

A nation spends the first part of October celebrating the birth of one of the nation’s great leaders. They look to him for guidance, for insight, and most of all, for love. I hear you, my people. Mike hears you.

Also in October, the Atlanta Braves win the World Series in dramatic fashion, when Ted Turner’s $34 million investment in the United Nations finally pays off. In the ninth inning of game seven, a United Nations "peace keeping" team holds the New York Yankees at bay, as the Braves score the go-ahead run.

Americans flood the voting booths in November, careful to make their vote count. When they arrive to the booths to learn that the only elections are for an Agricultural Chairmanship and a referendum on a soy tax, they remember why they never show up anyway.

On a similar note, the soy tax passes in Florida, then doesn’t pass, then passes again. Elian Gonzalez chuckles at being in a better place.

December brings a chill across the nation, leading Americans to collectively comment, "Global warming? Find me a scientist."

2001 is brought to a close on Dec. 31, as the world looks back on the previous year, looks forward to the new year, but, most of all, looks to Mike. Mike hears you.