DISCLAIMER AND AUTHOR'S NOTE: All Angel and Buffy The Vampire Slayer stuff belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and Warner Brothers. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fiction. All other characters that appear belong to me. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies may be made for private use only and must include this copyright notice and disclaimer. There is some subtext in this story. If this kind of stuff is not legal where you live, if you're under 18 or if you don't like the notion of two women being in love, then you should find something else to read. This story is set after the Buffy episode Graduation Day 2.

What We Had
By Kristjan Brezovnik

The Mayor was dead, Sunnydale saved. A couple of days later, Buffy's mind finally managed to process all the events, including her stabbing Faith. She found it strange that of all events that one was the most painful. Sure, she had been angry and Faith was just begging for it, having poisoned Angel, but for some reason she regretted it, felt like she had finally failed Faith.

She sighed and looked around, feeling a vampire near by. She quickly spotted a suspicious couple and followed them. They soon turned into a dark alley and Buffy ran after them. She arrived just in time to hear the girl scream.

"Hey!" she called and the vamp turned around.

"Slayer," he growled and let the girl go.

The girl ran past him and out of the alley. The vamp considered his options and then decided to run. Buffy grabbed her stake and threw it after him, dusting him in mid stride. She slowly walked to the stake and picked it up. She looked around and noticed she was near Faith's apartment, not the sleazy motel apartment but the apartment the Mayor had bought for Faith, the one where she had stabbed Faith. She sighed as bad memories came back.

When she shook her head to push the bad memories away, she found herself heading toward the place. She considered stopping for a moment, but then decided to continue.

Faith's apartment was a mess. It was a mess when they had fought, but after Faith was gone, most of the stuff disappeared. Buffy stood in the middle of the room and the fight with Faith ran through her mind. She shook her head, pushing the memory away. She looked around and then went to Faith's bed and sat down. It was strange sitting in the bad where Faith had lain minutes before she had stabbed her. She sighed and lay back. She felt something under the pillow and turned around, removing the pillow. She frowned when she saw it was a small notebook. She picked it up and leafed through it. It looked like a diary or at least the beginning of one. Buffy frowned. Faith kept a diary? She sat up, curious, she wanted to know why Faith had acted the way she had. No, she corrected herself, she didn't want to know, she needed to know.

She opened on the first page and started to read.

Dear diary… Diary? Shit. No one's gonna read this after it's finished, I'm gonna burn it before I die, but I need to get this out. I don't have anyone to talk to and no one would believe the truth anyway, but it doesn't matter.

So, my name is Buffy Anne Summers. Or at least it was… somewhere. Now I'm just Faith, just like she used to be. She now being Buffy that is. Damn, this sounds severely fucked up. Sometimes I wonder if my mind just made all this up or if it really happened. And I'm not really sure if it matters. So anyway, I used to be Buffy, the Chosen One. I died for a few moments and Kendra was called. She got killed and Faith got called. I mean, Buffy. Shit, this is really confusing.

Anyway, I liked her from the moment I saw her. I always thought I was straight and I never looked at another girl in a sexual way, but when she came into my life, boy, did things change. I was in denial at first, what else, but she noticed my looks and she decided to do something about it. She told me later that she liked me from the beginning too, but that that night she only wanted to fuck my brains out. I guess we were both very horny after that fight. I could feel it that she wanted me, badly, but she held back, she didn't want to risk our friendship. I invited her over to my place and we spent the night together. I don't think either of us slept much that night and in the morning, we were both sweaty.

Well, to cut the long story short, I finally accepted that I loved her and I told her so. The look on her face when I told her was just priceless. There was surprise, happiness, fear, all mixed up. I think that was the only time I heard her stammer. I knew she only played tough and that she was vulnerable on the inside, so I decided to prove it to her. I mean, I've never made love to a girl before, hell, I haven't even seen it in a porn move or a magazine, but I was determined to show her just how much I meant it. I knew she had sex often, but she was never emotionally involved with the men she had fucked. Or women. I think I was the first to show her that she was not just a slut, that I didn't just want to fuck her and be done with it but that I really cared for her.

It was an exciting and at the same time terrifying night for her. She wanted me badly, but she was also afraid that I would be gone in the morning. It took me hours to get her to really enjoy herself and I learned a lot about making love that night. We both did. The memory of that night and of the time that followed is the only thing that's keeping me sane right now. Or is it actually driving me insane? I'm not sure. But it's so hard being so close to her and yet so far.

The six months that followed our first night together were the best time of our lives. But then she accidentally killed Allan Finch and it crushed her. I tried to be there for her, but the experience was so devastating for her that she kept slipping away. I had to watch her as she grew more distant every day. I know she tried, but from then on every decision she made seemed to be the wrong one. So I made one for her.

I went to LA and got Angel to tell me how to talk to the Powers That Be. I didn't tell him why I wanted to talk to them, but I think he suspected. So I went and talked to the Oracles. They weren't very happy, but I managed to convinced them to do it. And they did. I had hoped that they would take my memories away, but for some reason they didn't.

When I became her, I realized for the first time just what she had to go through every day, the fear, the feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness. It was terrifying.

It was a strange feeling when I first saw her in my body. I guess I never realized just how beautiful I was and what I meant to her. Damn, I can't even say her name, my name, I just call her B. A part of me hoped that we would be together again, but she doesn't remember what we had. She is happy here, more or less, she still misses Angel. In my timeline, or whatever you wanna call it, I never had anything with Angel, we were just really good friends. Still, I know she cared about me. I tried not to make the same mistakes that she had, but this timeline, is different and I still killed Allan Finch. I understood then how she had felt. And then I killed the courier and the Professor, just like she had. She tried to help me, I know that, but she had her own fears and problems. I know I did and I think that's why I failed her then. So I did what she did in the other timeline, I went to the Mayor. I understand now that she was isolating herself from me, that she tried to protect me from the evil that she thought she was. She thought we thought she was a bad girl and she decided to become that bad girl. But I still loved her, no matter how much she hurt me. I think she wanted to sacrifice herself so she could save me. I know I'm doing this for her.

She hates me right now, but I don't blame her. In fact, I'm glad she does, that way she won't miss me when I die. But I'll die happy, knowing that when she dies, she will die blameless. God, this is so hard. I hope I'll have the strength to finish it. I know now how she can kill the Mayor, but for that I have to die. By her hand. I will poison Angel with a special gift the Mayor provided and I know it will make Buffy mad, because she cares a great deal about Angel. She has to be mad to be able to do what I want her to. I don't know if I could kill her if the roles were reversed. I just hope this fear that I feel won't stop me from doing something that would prevent her from getting my blood to Angel. I need to write her a note about how she can kill the Mayor. And after I'm dead, I hope she forgets me and lives a happy life, I know she deserves it. And I'll put in a good word for her with the Powers, so they won't send her to Hell for killing me, it would really screw up my plan to make her happy.

Buffy stared at the tears stained paper, her throat thick with emotions. She was Faith and Faith was her? They used to be a couple? It was so confusing.

She sat still for a while, trying to forget. Or was she trying to remember the other timeline, she wasn't sure. She finally got up and left.

She had passed several streets when she heard a scream. She snapped out of her stupor and started to run. Only then did she notice that she still held Faith's diary in her hands. She stuffed it into her pants and kept running.

After killing the couple of vamps harassing an elderly couple, she returned home and first took a long shower. Then she went to bed and read Faith's diary over and over again, trying to remember. But she couldn't. She finally fell asleep.

The next day, she visited Faith. She stared at her for a while, feeling guilty for what she had done. Still, anger was still strong in her and she soon left. She spent the rest of the day thinking about herself and Faith and whether there was any sign that Faith was attracted to, no, she corrected herself, in love with, her or she with Faith. It was very confusing.

But the next day, she got herself a chair and forced herself to watch Faith. One of the nurses assigned to look over Faith gave her nasty looks, but she ignored her and concentrated on Faith. Faith. She looked so innocent lying there all beaten up, much younger than she really was. She wondered if Faith was really that innocent. A part of her hoped so, even though the other part was arguing that Faith was a murderous bitch.

It took her several days to gather the courage to finally take Faith's hand into her own. She found it strange, holding Faith's hand, it felt very intimate, though not in a sexual sense. She wanted to talk to Faith, but she didn't know what to say. She also didn't want to scare her by telling her about the diary. Not to mention that she wasn't even sure if Faith could hear her. She decided to ask a doctor.

The doctor told her that coma patients could hear, but Buffy still had the problem of not knowing what to talk to Faith about. She finally decided on telling her about what was going on in Sunnydale.

Eight moths later.

"Faith?" Buffy said when Faith's eyes snapped open.

Faith jerked at the sound of her name. She turned her head and her eyes went wide when she saw Buffy.

"Buffy," she croaked.

She noticed that Buffy was holding her hand and she pulled it away. She was puzzled when she saw surprise and disappointment in Buffy's eyes for a moment.

"How do you feel?" Buffy asked.

"Like I was stabbed," Faith said. "What are you doing here?"

"Keeping you company?"

"What?" Faith said, surprised.

Buffy sighed.

"I'm sorry, Faith," she said. "For stabbing you and for not being there when you needed me."

Faith stared at Buffy, astonished, and her mouth opened and closed a few times, but no sound came out.

"You shouldn't be here," she finally said. "The Mayor…"

"…is dead," Buffy finished.

"What?" Faith said, surprised.

"I killed him."

"H-How?"

"Just like you told me."

"You found the note?"

"No," Buffy said, shaking her head. "You gave me a hint when we were both unconscious."

Faith blinked, puzzled.

"What are you talking about?"

Buffy sighed.

"After I… stabbed you, I went to Angel and made him drink my blood," she said and Faith's eyes went wide from shock. "He then took me to the hospital. While I was out, we somehow met and you gave me the hint."

Faith stared at Buffy, surprised. Then she laughed.

"Dead Boy is one lucky vamp. So, how come you're here and not with him?"

Buffy sighed again.

"We're not together anymore."

"What?!" Faith said, surprised. "You stabbed me and you let him have your blood and now you're not together anymore?"

Buffy looked down, feeling guilty.

"It didn't work out. He went to LA after I killed the Mayor."

Faith stared at Buffy with mixed emotions.

"So you had nothing to do and you came to see if you could make my life any more miserable."

"Faith…"

"Shut up!" Faith screamed and started removing her IV.

"What are you doing?" Buffy asked, worried, and got up.

"I'm getting outta here."

"You can't."

Faith glared at her.

"You're gonna have to stab me again to stop me."

Buffy gulped.

"Please stop running away."

Faith gave her an angry look.

"What do you know about running away?" she spat.

"I ran away after Kendra was killed and my mom found out I was a Slayer." She hesitated for a moment. "You remember that," she then added.

"Yes," Faith said absentmindedly, confirming Buffy's suspicion that the diary was real.

"I want you to stay," Buffy said and Faith looked at her, surprised.

"What?"

"I want you to stay," Buffy repeated, slightly nervous.

Faith stared at her for a few moments.

"You should get your head examined, B. I'm the enemy, remember? The bad girl. I killed a couple of people, betrayed you, poisoned Angel. Want me to go on?"

Buffy sighed.

"I found your diary," she said.

Faith went completely still for a few moments and Buffy thought she was going to attack her. But Faith merely raised an eyebrow.

"Diary? I don't keep a diary, B."

Buffy took Faith's notebook out of her pocket and Faith flinched.

"It's not really a diary," Buffy said and gave the notebook to Faith.

Faith quickly ready the only entry and then gave it back to Buffy.

"I didn't write this. And whoever did should have their head examined. I mean really, B, you should know me better."

"I'd like to, but you keep running away."

Faith stared at her for a moment, surprised.

"So you're here because some nutcase wrote that crap." She sighed. "Go home, B."

"No," Buffy said. "I want to know the truth."

Faith laughed.

"Truth? What truth? Even if that story was true, it still wouldn't matter. Why do you think I jumped from the roof?"

Buffy bit her teeth.

"You're right," she finally said. "It doesn't matter if the story is real or not. But it made me think." She gulped, hoping this would end the way she wanted it to. "I care about you, Faith. A lot. And I…"

Faith interrupted her by laughing.

"You don't love me, B. The only reason you're here is that stupid story. If you hadn't read it, you wouldn't be here making a fool of yourself."

"Perhaps," Buffy said. "But I also wouldn't be here if I didn't care about you in the first place." She paused and approached Faith. She could see fear and confusion in her eyes and she knew she was on the right track, especially when Faith started to back off. "I. Love. You," she said when Faith was up against the wall, stressing every word. "Yes, I know, it sounds weird, you hurt me, I hurt you. And it doesn't matter if that story is true or not. I had eight months to sort out my feelings and believe me, it wasn't easy, story or no story. Hell, I'm still scared you're gonna hurt me again, but I know that if I don't do my best, I'll keep asking myself if I could've done something, if there could've been more. So please, think about your feelings." She paused for a moment. "And if you decide you don't love me, we can still be friends, but you have to stop running away and you have to honest with me."

Faith's mouth opened and closed and Buffy could see that she was scared. She decided to encourage her. She caressed her and Faith flinched at the gentle touch. Buffy then leaned in for a kiss and Faith's eyes went wide when she realized what Buffy was about to do. She wanted to kiss her so badly, hold her in her arms, but she was terrified that she would hurt her again.

But when Buffy's lips met hers, Faith was in heaven and she couldn't move for a few moments, even if she wanted to. But then her mind kicked in again.

"Stop it," she said, breaking the kiss. "You don't love me."

"Don't tell me how I feel," Buffy said, "tell me how you feel."

Faith's mouth opened and closed again and Buffy could see that tears were welling up in her eyes, so she caressed her again.

"I'm scared, Buffy," Faith finally said quietly and a couple of tears ran down her cheeks.

Buffy wiped the tears and hugged her. Faith's arms automatically wrapped themselves around Buffy's body, before Faith's mind could do anything to prevent that. Faith started to sob and Buffy quietly held her and caressed her. Faith knew that if she didn't stop hugging right away, she would melt, and she was afraid of that. But it was already too late and the stream of tears turned into a river and Faith just let go and cried.

It was strange for Buffy, holding Faith in her arms as she cried. She had never held Faith like this and she had never seen her cry. But at least she had gotten Faith to open up.

When Faith stopped crying, Buffy let go of her. Faith stared at the floor, ashamed, as she wiped her tears.

"I love you, Faith," Buffy said, causing Faith to look at her.

"How can you? I'm a monster."

"You loved me and you sacrificed your life to make me happy."

Faith looked down again, sobbing for a moment, but she quickly regained control.

"It's true, isn't it?" Buffy continued. "The story."

Faith nodded.

"Yes," she whispered.

Buffy touched Faith's chin and lifted it, making Faith look at her.

"You're not a monster, you're an angel."

"I killed…"

"I killed them, you just did what had to be done here."

"Buffy…"

"Thank you, Faith," Buffy interrupted her. "You gave up your happiness to make me happy. Now it's time I made you happy. If you'll let me."

"Buffy…" Faith said, trying to stop the tears that were once again threatening to burst. She wanted to argue again, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it, she wanted to be with Buffy so badly. "I love you," she then whispered.

Buffy smiled, happy that she had succeeded.

"I love you too."

Faith hesitated for a moment and then hugged her. Buffy's smile widened and she hugged her back.

"Welcome home, Faith," she said and Faith started to cry again, only this time because she was happy.

When Faith let go of her, Buffy caressed her again, smiling. Faith smiled back.

"Thank you," Faith said.

"You're welcome. So, how do you feel?"

Faith thought for a moment.

"Alive."

"Are you gonna stay?"

Faith bit her teeth, sighing.

"Are you sure you want me to?"

"If I didn't, I wouldn't me asking."

Faith smiled.

"Then I'll stay."

Buffy smiled as well.

"Good. Now, how about we go find a doctor and then I'll call Mom to get you something to wear. And then," she paused for a moment, "we'll face the cops."

Faith paled a bit and started to back off again.

"I… I…"

"I'll be there, Faith, whatever happens. And besides, I bet the Mayor removed the evidence. I'm not gonna turn you in and I'm sure the guys won't either, we need you too much. I need you, and not just, you know, emotionally, I need you as another Slayer."

Faith took a deep breath.

"Okay," she then said. "I trust you."

Buffy smiled.

"Good." She thought for a moment. "You know, maybe there's a reason that the Powers That Be left you your memories. Perhaps we were meant to be together."

Faith thought about it.

"Maybe. Just don't mention this to anyone."

Buffy nodded.

"I won't, but you'll have to tell me the truth. When you're ready."

"Are you sure you wanna know?"

Buffy nodded.

"Yes. I need to know."

Faith nodded.

"I'll tell you. When I'm ready."

Buffy smiled and took Faith's hand.

"Come, let's go find that doctor," she said and led Faith out of the room.

Faith followed her, happy that she would finally have again what she once had. What they once had.

The End