DISCLAIMER AND AUTHOR'S NOTE: All Buffy The Vampire Slayer stuff belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and Warner Brothers. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fiction. All other characters that appear belong to me. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies may be made for private use only and must include this copyright notice and disclaimer. There is some subtext in this story. If this kind of stuff is illegal where you live, if you're under 18 or if you find the notion of two women being in love offensive, then you should get something else to read. Tough luck!

Tabula Rasa
By Kristjan Brezovnik

Buffy was having a nightmare. Again. It was the same nightmare she had been having for the past month. She had asked Giles about it, but he couldn't help her, there was nothing in the books, and Angel hadn't heard anything either. But she knew one thing, if she could find no other way, she would have to die.

Faith woke up, sweating, when the nightmare ended the way it always did, with the death of a Slayer. She knew it was a vision, an omen. Something bad was going to happen and only a Slayer could stop it. By dying and giving her soul to… the vortex.

She got up and went to the bathroom. Suddenly she realized that Buffy was probably having the same dream. And then she also realized that Buffy was going to die. She shivered at the thought and then frowned, confused. Why the hell was she worried about Buffy? It was her fault that she was in prison. She looked up in the mirror and froze. Yes, it was her fault, her being Faith fucking Spencer, not Buffy. She stared at the image in the mirror accusingly and it stared back at her with equal accusation. She wanted to smash it to pieces, but decided against it, it would only mean trouble for her.

No. What she needed to do was to get out and stop Buffy from dying. She frowned. And then what? She gulped as she realized what then. Then she would die. She frowned. Why the hell did she have to die? She could let Buffy die. She shivered at the thought again. Why the hell was she so worried about Buffy all of a sudden? Damn it. It's not like they were exactly friends. In fact, she had tried to hurt Buffy continuously and Buffy… kept trying to help her, until she lost faith in her. She snorted at the pun and then sighed. Buffy was the only person who ever cared about her, beside her first Watcher, and she kept hurting her, pushing her away, yet trying to protect her at the same time.

She stared at the mirror for a while, thinking about Buffy, and then sighed. Yes, so she cared about Buffy. A lot. But that aside, Buffy was a better Slayer and the world needed her. Buffy would be missed, Faith would be replaced. She sighed again. It was time to get out and finally do the right thing.

Buffy felt strangely calm, knowing that she would soon die. She had said her good-byes, but none of her friends or her mother knew that she was going to die. The only thing that worried her was Faith, who had broken out of prison. She had a bad feeling that Faith would come to Sunnydale. But the Scooby Gang would have to handle Faith, she had a vortex to Hell to seal.

When she found herself near the ruins of the old school, she knew that this was where she was going to die, at the Hellmouth. Then she froze when she saw the vortex all but invisible, hanging right above the Hellmouth. She shivered at the thought about what might be on the other side, but she knew she had to do it, not just because it was her job but because it was the right thing to do. Just as she moved toward it, something hit her on the head.

Faith, who had indeed returned to Sunnydale, had spent the time hiding, waiting for the vortex to appear. And it did, just when and where she knew it would. She saw Buffy stop for a moment when the vortex appeared and she used that time to quietly sneak up on her. Just when Buffy started to move again, Faith whacked her on the head, knocking her out. Buffy started to fall, but Faith caught her and gently laid her on the ground, cradling her. She stared at her for a few moments.

"I'm sorry, Buffy," she then said and hugged her. "For everything."

She started to cry, knowing she would never see her again. She quickly stopped and wiped the tears. She hesitated for a few moments.

"I love you, Buffy," she then said and kissed her on the lips. "Good bye."

She laid Buffy's upper body on the ground, caressed her one last time and then got up. She looked at the vortex, took a deep breath and walked into…

…whiteness. She looked around, confused, but there was nothing. She had a feeling she was standing, but she didn't feel or even see the ground beneath her. She didn't see anything at all, except endless whiteness.

"Hello?" she said, wondering if this was someone's idea of Hell.

"Hello," a soft voice whispered in her ear.

Buffy fought the unconsciousness. She knew someone had hit her on the head, but she didn't know who or why. She was surprised when instead of crashing to the ground, she felt someone, probably the person who had hit her, catch her and gently lower her to the ground. She was confused and became even more so when she heard someone say she was sorry and then felt a hug. She? How did she know it was a she? And what was she sorry for? Everything?

Then the woman said she loved her. It was someone she knew, Buffy realized and jerked, or at least felt like she was jerking, when she felt a kiss on the lips. She nearly panicked. What was going on? Was she going to be raped? By a woman? The kiss ended and she heard a good-bye and felt a caress. What was going on?

Something bright suddenly assaulted her eyes and it took her a moment to realize that she had apparently opened her eyes. She tried to do it again, this time more slowly. She was surprised when she saw that it was actually dark outside. Her head then decided to let her know it was in some serious pain. Buffy groaned and massaged the spot where the woman had hit her. She looked around, but there was no one there. She was confused. Where did the woman go? She got up and looked around again. There was no one there and she realized something else was missing. The vortex! She looked at where the vortex used to be, but it was gone. She frowned. There was only one way the vortex could be closed, with the soul of a Slayer. She was still alive, so that meant… Faith. Buffy was confused. Faith had sacrificed herself instead of her? Since when did Faith care about anything or anyone but herself? She frowned as she remembered Faith's last words, an apology, a confession of love and a good-bye. She also realized that she wasn't meant to hear those words, Faith didn't want her, or anyone else, to know. But she did know and she was the only one.

Suddenly the vortex reappeared. Buffy gulped and started to approach it, but she stopped when a body came floating out. Buffy froze when she recognized it, it was Faith's body. Faith was slowly lowered to the ground and then the vortex disappeared. Buffy ran to Faith and checked her pulse. She was still alive and Buffy felt strangely relieved. She hesitated for a moment and then cradled her head in her lap, worried, wondering what to do.

"Hello?"

Buffy jerked, surprised. It was Faith's voice, but Faith's lips hadn't moved.

"Hello," another voice answered, whispering softly.

Faith jerked, startled, and looked around, but there was no one there.

"Where are you?" she asked.

"Here."

"Where?"

"All around you."

Faith looked, but she saw no one.

"I can't see you."

"You can and you do, you just don't know it," the voice whispered softly.

Faith decided it didn't really matter.

"Who are you?"

There was a slight pause.

"You can call me your guardian angel."

Faith raised an eyebrow, but decided not to question further about that issue.

"Where am I?" she asked instead.

"Here."

"I know I'm here," Faith said angrily, "but I want to know where here is."

"In the vortex."

Faith rolled her eyes.

"Is this Hell?"

"No."

"Then what is it?"

"A vortex."

Faith rolled her eyes, annoyed.

"Okay, what do you want?"

"You to be honest."

Faith frowned.

"About what?" she asked.

"Your life."

"What about it?" Faith asked, puzzled.

"Tell me about it."

"Why?" Faith asked, not liking the sound of it.

"Because I want you to."

"Why?"

"Because your future depends on it."

"What future? I'm dead."

"Not yet."

Faith frowned.

"I'm still alive? But…"

"The dream."

"Yes."

"It was misleading."

"Why?"

"To see whether you were willing to sacrifice yourselves."

"Me and Buffy?"

"Yes."

"Did we pass?"

"Yes."

"Now what?"

"Tell me about your life."

"And then?"

"We'll see."

Faith sighed. She wasn't looking forward to her… confession. No one knew her innermost feelings, she even wasn't sure of them herself sometimes, and now she was supposed to tell about them to this complete stranger, who claimed to be her guardian angel. She frowned. If he or she or whatever it was actually was her guardian angel, then he should already know her innermost feelings, probably better than she did. No point wondering about that now, she had a confession to get over with.

"Okay," she said.

"Remember, you have to be completely honest," the voice reminded her.

"Let me guess, you will know if I'm not."

"Yes."

Faith shivered and gulped. She really didn't want to do this.

"I really don't want to do this," she said.

"I know," the voice replied and Faith had a bad feeling that if she didn't do it, he would. Somehow.

She sighed.

"Okay. My dad left when I was little and my mom's a drunk. She kept beating me, telling me I was worthless, until I ran away. I hate her." She paused for a moment. "I screwed around a lot, and I mean that literally. I love sex." She paused. "The first person who really cared about me was my first Watcher, Mrs Hutchinson. She was like a mother to me, showing me for the first time that I wasn't worthless and only good for a quick fuck. And I know she didn't care about me just because I was a Slayer." She paused as she remembered the Watcher's violent death. "And then… Kakistos… killed her. In front of me," she stopped, trying hard to hold back the tears which were threatening to burst. "I ran away again and came to Sunnydale. I tried to be cool and fearless, but when Kakistos came after me, I wanted to run away again." She gulped. "Buffy helped me face him and kill him." She took a deep breath, slowly losing the fight with the tears. "I know Buffy cared about me then, but I was afraid to let her close, I didn't want to lose her like I did Mrs Hutchinson." She gulped. "And when I killed that Mayor's aide, I was… terrified, but I didn't want Buffy to know it. I wanted her to hate me so I would have an excuse for stopping to love her. I pretended I didn't care, but I was afraid. I didn't want to run from the devil again, so I decided to join the devil, the devil this time being the Mayor." She sobbed and wiped the tears that managed to slip past the dam of her eyelids. "He… He pretended he cared about me, but I know he didn't, I just refused to acknowledge it. He pretended he was my daddy, but I was only his assassin." She took a deep breath and thought. She wasn't used to being so honest with anyone, not even herself, and it scared her. "And I… I killed that courier, just like that and I didn't… I didn't feel anything." She shuddered. "I… I… When I shot Angel…"

"What about Xander?" the voice interrupted her. "And Willow?"

"What?" Faith asked, startled. "What about… Oh." She gulped. "I was trying to prove to myself that I was really bad and that I wasn't afraid to kill anyone, not even a… friend." She thought for a moment. "I don't know if I would've killed him if Buffy hadn't stopped me. Probably." She stopped expectantly, but the voice said nothing. She sighed and continued. "I might have listened to Angel if Wesley hadn't tried to send me to England. After that, I wanted to run away again, but Buffy stopped me. She saved my life when Trick and his cronies attacked us. I wanted to leave her, but… I couldn't. I saved her life. But I was afraid to let her close, so I went to Mayor Wilkins." She paused again, gathering her thoughts. "I… betrayed them. And when I killed that demon that had the Books of Ascension, I… I felt… dirty again, guilty. I went to Angel. I wanted him to help me, but at the same time, I wanted to seduce him, to take his soul away. And when Buffy said that it looked like the killer enjoyed killing the demon, I felt… sick, but I refused to let it get to me. And… And… when… we, Angel and I, were about to… torture… Buffy, I… I…" She shivered. "I… I was… jealous of her, she had everything, friends, family, everyone admired her and I… I had nothing. I think I would have killed her. Actually I could have… when we were in the deadlock, but I… I couldn't." She paused as sobbing took over. "And… And then, there was Willow. She… She said some pretty serious words and it… hurt me. I think I would have killed her if the Mayor hadn't stopped me." She shuddered at the memory. "She said I had no one, but I told her that I had the Mayor." She laughed histerically. "Was I ever wrong. I was just kidding myself. He gave me presents and ordered me to kill. When… When I shot Angel, I knew Buffy would hate my guts, but I didn't expect that she would try to kill me or that she would let Angel drink her blood."

She paused again, trying to remember how she had felt.

"Yet you have helped Buffy defeat the Mayor."

Faith nodded, ignoring the tears.

"Yes." She thought for a moment. "I was angry with her, but I understood her. And I knew that the Mayor was evil and had to be stopped." She paused as a strange thought occurred to her. "I guess a part of me didn't want her to die." She thought about that. "Yes, I guess so." She paused again to think. "And… And when she came with that dagger, I… I don't know. I think I wanted it to end, but Buffy missed the mark." She sighed. "And when I woke up from coma, nothing had changed. It was like the Mayor or I had never existed. I got the letter from him in which he told me that he had no faith in me. I knew he was using me, but I was surprised that he thought so little of me. It… hurt. And seeing Buffy with that guy didn't help my mood either." She gulped. "When we met for the first time after she… stabbed me, she was still worried about me. I couldn't believe it, but I had to end it, I had to make her hate me. But the Mayor gave me a gift and I switched bodies with Buffy. I wanted to live her life, but everything I did was… I don't know, it just wasn't the same. It felt… perverted. And her mother, after everything I'd done to her, she still felt… sympathy for me." She sobbed for a moment. "I tried to lay her boyfriend, but he didn't want to. At first." She thought for a moment. "I was jealous of him," she admitted. "And when we switched bodies again, I ran away again, to LA." She thought for a moment. "I don't know why I just didn't leave when I had the chance, disappear." She furrowed her eyebrows. "I think I wanted to prove to myself that I was a Slayer and that I could do the job just as well as Buffy." She sighed. "And then those creepy lawyers offered me a new chance. I had to kill Angel and they'd get me off the hook. I tried to seduce Angel, kicked the shit out of Wesley. I wanted him to admit that it was his fault that I became a rogue. And when Angel showed up to Wesley's rescue, I tried to kill him, but I… couldn't. I… I think that's when I realized what a screw up I really was and the only way out for me was death, but Angel didn't kill me. He… He actually… helped me. He… He was the second, no, the third person that believed in me. And… And then… Buffy came and… and Angel protected me from her. And then Buffy protected me." She laughed nervously, sobbing. "And when Angel was arrested, well, I couldn't let him go down for me, not after all he had done for me. And I… I… I decided I had to pay for what I did wrong and then try to do things the way I was supposed to do them. And he helped me." She paused, taking a deep breath. "And then the nightmares started. They were freaky and scary and I… Well, then I realized one night that Buffy was going to die. I didn't want her to die. I broke out of jail and came to Sunnydale. I knocked her out and came here, wherever here is."

She stopped, trembling, hoping that this was it, but the voice wasn't satisfied yet.

"How do you feel about what you have done?"

Faith sighed. How did she feel? Was she sorry? Hell, yes.

"I'm sorry. I wish I wasn't so afraid. Perhaps…"

She trailed off, refusing to harbor false hopes.

"How do you feel about Buffy?"

"What does that matter?" she asked, irritated, but the voice didn't respond, waiting patiently. She sighed. "I love her," she said, but there was no response. "I love her, okay?!" she screamed.

"Okay," came the whispered reply and darkness suddenly enveloped her.

Faith was confused and it took her a moment to realize that she was lying with her eyes closed. She opened her eyes and froze when she saw she was lying in Buffy's lap. She was even more surprised when she saw Buffy was crying. Then it occurred to her that Buffy must have somehow heard everything she had said.

Buffy had indeed heard everything Faith and the voice had said. She was confused at first, but then confusion gave way to surprise when Faith started to talk about herself. Surprise became shock when Faith confessed her feelings to the voice and finally her love for Buffy. So she had heard correctly. She was deeply moved and she cried.

And then Faith opened her eyes and Buffy could see confusion in her eyes when she found herself in Buffy's lap with Buffy crying. She also saw confusion turn into horror when Faith apparently realized that she had somehow heard her entire confession.

Faith quickly got up and backed off. Buffy also got up, but when she started to approach her, Faith ran away. Buffy was surprised, but she was determined no to let her run away again and she ran after her.

"Faith!" she called, but Faith didn't stop.

Buffy ran faster, caught up with her and stopped her. Faith turned, furious, and attacked her.

Faith, realizing that Buffy knew, decided to run away. She wasn't ready to face Buffy and she wasn't sure she ever could. Not to mention that she was angry. How could that damn self-appointed guardian angel, who even refused to show his face, dare expose her like that?

She heard Buffy call her, but she ignored her. She needed to think. But then Buffy caught up with her and stopped her. Faith was furious. Hasn't she been humiliated enough? Buffy had heard all there was to hear, so why didn't she leave her alone?

She viciously attacked her, letting out her anger over the guardian angel and the humiliation. Buffy was apparently so surprised she forgot how to fight and Faith managed to knock her down in only a few seconds.

When Buffy was down, Faith stared at her for a few moments, emotions boiling in her.

"Leave me alone!" she then screamed and ran away again.

She ran a long time before she finally stopped. She felt the urge to cry, but she didn't want to. Unfortunately, the urge was stronger. She looked around and saw a dark alley. She went there and hid behind a trash container. She leaned at the wall and slowly slid down as tears took over. She hugged her knees and let go. Shame, embarrassment, anger, fear, all fought for supremacy, but she didn't really care which one won, she just needed to let it out.

Buffy was completely surprised by Faith's attack and Faith had her on the ground in seconds. She stared back at Faith until Faith screamed at her to leave her alone and then ran away. Buffy stared after her, confused. What just happened? Didn't Faith say she loved her? Why was she attacking her? And running away? It took her a moment to run through Faith's confession again and isolate the prevailing emotion, fear. Faith was afraid, afraid to let her close. She got up and ran after her, not wanting to let her go again.

It took her a while to finally locate her. Faith had ran for a long time and Buffy lost her a couple of times before Faith finally stopped and entered a dark alley. Buffy followed her, but when she got to the alley, Faith was gone. Buffy was confused for a moment, but she decided to check out the alley, perhaps Faith was hiding somewhere. She slowly entered, listening attentively.

She finally found her behind a trash container, hugging her knees, sobbing, obviously having stopped crying. She hesitated for a moment and then kneeled in front of her.

"Faith," she started, but Faith interrupted her by getting up.

After she ran out of tears, Faith just sobbed. She felt a bit better, but not much. When Buffy suddenly appeared in front of her, she shivered, but the shivering was covered by the trembling of her body, which was the result of her sobbing. She didn't want to face Buffy, she couldn't. She needed to get away from her.

She nearly panicked when Buffy kneeled in front of her. She needed to leave, now. She got up, interrupting whatever Buffy was going to say. She considered where she could go and she remembered the prison. She was an escaped prisoner and the cops were probably looking for her. She decided to turn herself in. She moved past Buffy.

Buffy was surprised when Faith walked past her without even looking at her, not saying a word. She went after her.

"Faith?" she asked, but Faith ignored her.

So she just followed her.

Faith tried to ignore Buffy as she followed her to the police station, but she made her nervous. She heard Buffy gasp when she realized that she was going to the cops, but she ignored her. She entered and went straight to the duty officer.

"I'd like to turn myself in," she said.

The clerk cop considered her for a moment.

"Fill out this form," he then said and gave her a form.

Faith stared at him and at the form for a few moments and then took a ball-pen and filled it out. When she was done, she gave it back to the cop, who quickly ran over it and then looked at her, his right eyebrow raised.

"Let me check this out," he said and started typing at his computer. When he was done several minutes later, he looked at Faith. "Very funny, kid. Now get out of here before I arrest you for annoying me."

"What do you mean?" Faith asked, puzzled.

"There is no warrant for your arrest nor do you have any record at all."

"But…"

"Listen, kid, get out. Now. I'm in no mood to fill out the papers for your arrest."

Faith stared at him, confused, and then left.

Buffy quietly followed Faith, wondering where she was going. When she realized that Faith was going to the cops, she gasped. She had completely forgotten that Faith had been in prison. She followed her inside and observed with tension as Faith tried to turn herself in. She was relieved when the cop declared that she was not wanted and that she had in fact no record at all.

Faith left and she followed her. Outside, Faith stopped for a moment and then moved on. Buffy had a bad feeling that if she let her go, she would ever see her again. She ran and stepped in front of her, blocking her way.

"Faith…" she started but trailed off when Faith gave her an angry look. She gulped. "Please don't go."

"What do you care?" Faith asked.

"I do." She hesitated for a moment. "Please, give us a chance."

Faith snorted.

"What us? There is no us."

"But there could be."

"Hardly," Faith said and Buffy noticed that she started to tremble and she wasn't sure whether it was because she was angry or because she was afraid. "Remember what I did to you?"

Buffy bit her teeth.

"I remember. But now I also know why you did it."

Faith's trembling became very apparent now and she looked like she was about to explode.

"Look, the way I see it, you have two choices. You can go and be alone or you can stay and give us a chance. If you go, you will never know what we might have, but if you stay, you can perhaps be happy again. I know, I might die before you, but I'd sure as hell be rather happy for what ever time we might have together than constantly be wondering about what we might have had and feel miserable about it."

Faith's trembles stopped and Buffy was sure that wasn't a good sign. She was sure that Faith wasn't angry, merely scared to death. She hesitated for a moment and then slowly stepped closer and even more slowly hugged Faith. She could feel how stiff Faith's body was and she hoped she was doing the right thing.

Faith was surprised when Buffy blocked her way. She was angry, but she was scared even more and for some reason she couldn't move. She knew Buffy knew why she had done the thing she had done, but she was too scared to believe that Buffy could forgive her. Still, here was Buffy, almost begging her to stay. And yes, she did have those two choices, but the more it looked like she and Buffy could be together, the more terrified she became.

Then Buffy surprised her by stepping closer and hugging her. Faith stared at her and it seemed like Buffy was moving in slow motion, giving her every opportunity to back off, but for some reason she couldn't, even though her mind was screaming at her to get the hell out of there, that she would only get hurt.

But when she felt Buffy's body touching hers, she wished they could stay like that forever. Still, her mind protested.

"I don't deserve you," she whispered hoarsely, hoping in vain that Buffy would give her an excuse to leave.

"You do," Buffy whispered back.

Faith shivered.

"I'm scared."

"I know."

Suddenly Faith realized she was hugging Buffy. She wanted to stop, but it felt so good and she didn't. She hugged her even more tightly instead, trembling as her fears threatened to take over again.

When Buffy hugged Faith, she felt her tension and for a moment, she was afraid that Faith would attack her again, but she didn't. Slowly, barely noticeably, Faith's body became more relaxed and she felt like Faith was melting into her. It felt good. And when Faith hugged her back, it was absolute heaven. But still, Faith was scared, she knew that.

"I don't deserve you," Faith whispered hoarsely.

"You do," Buffy whispered back, feeling Faith's urge to run away.

Faith shivered.

"I'm scared," she said.

"I know," Buffy said and felt Faith hug her even more tightly.

They remained like that for a while, until Buffy felt that they should move on. She slowly let go of Faith and she felt Faith's reluctance to let go of her. But slowly, Faith also let go. They stared at each other for a few moments, neither quite sure how they felt. Buffy noticed that Faith seemed to shrink.

"Look, I know you're scared," she said. "But like I already told you, you have two choices. You can go or you can stay. If you go, you will never be happy, but if you stay, you might. And if I die first, you won't have just the pain to remember but also the time we spent together. I'm sure that that will make the pain more bearable."

Faith nodded.

Being in Buffy's arms felt like she was in a safe haven, she felt safe and loved and not so afraid anymore. But then Buffy let go. Faith didn't want to let go, but she knew she had to, they needed to talk. She let go, listened to what Buffy had to say and then nodded. Then she thought about it and reluctantly admitted to herself that Buffy was right. She could either be miserable for the rest of her life or she could be happy with Buffy for some time and risk being hurt when Buffy died. If she died before her. Still, she agreed with Buffy, the memories of their time together would help her deal with the pain of losing Buffy.

She smiled shyly.

"Looks like I can't hide anymore," she said, wiping the tears she suddenly realized were running down her cheeks.

Buffy smiled back.

"You don't have to hide anymore," she said and caressed her.

Faith jerked, surprised, it was a long time since anyone had been nice to her for no other reason than loving her, but then she smiled.

Buffy was relieved when Faith finally smiled. She knew that Faith would not run away. She caressed her. She was worried for a moment when Faith jerked, but then Faith smiled and Buffy knew it was okay. She smiled back.

"Come, let's go home," she said and offered her her hand.

She noticed Faith's frown and hoped she wasn't moving too fast.

"Home?" Faith asked, confuse, and Buffy noticed that she shivered a bit.

Buffy smiled.

"Yes, home. Look, I know you're afraid, but I'll be with you."

Faith sighed and nodded.

Buffy's offer to go home came as a surprise to Faith. So far she had not yet considered where she would be staying and Buffy's home was not even on the list of possibilities. She shivered a bit, afraid to confront Buffy's mother. And then there was also the Scooby Gang and Giles. She most definitely wasn't looking forward to facing them again, it was so much more easy to just run away. But if she did, she would be alone and she didn't want to be alone anymore, not now that she and Buffy were together. She sighed and nodded. She hesitated for a moment and then took Buffy's hand. It was time to go home.

"Okay."

Buffy was getting a bit worried when Faith hesitated, but then she finally took her hand and Buffy smiled, relieved.

"Okay," Faith said and Buffy felt that she was nervous.

"Everything will be okay," Buffy said softly, gently squeezing her hand.

Faith gulped and nodded.

"Yes," she said, hoping it would really be okay.

"Come."

Buffy moved and Faith followed her, hesitantly at first, but then she hurried up and Buffy smiled inwardly. Yes, Faith was going to be all right.

The End