DISCLAIMER AND AUTHOR'S NOTE: All Buffy The Vampire Slayer stuff belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and Warner Brothers. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fiction. All other characters that appear belong to me. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies may be made for private use only and must include this copyright notice and disclaimer. There is some subtext in this story. If this kind of stuff is not legal where you live, if you're under 18 or if you don't like the notion of two women being in love, then you should find something else to read.

Guilt
By Kristjan Brezovnik

Faith stared at her reflection in the mirror, thinking. She had killed a man. She had told Buffy that she didn't care, but it was eating her up. Sure, it was an accident, but it was caused by her recklessness. Accident or not, it was her fault, she had killed a man. She smashed the mirror and then stared at the multiple reflections. That was how she felt, broken.

She remembered a street preacher talking about something from the Bible, something about cutting your hand off if it offended you. She had thought it was crap, but now she felt that it wasn't. She went to her bag and pulled out a knife. It was an army knife and it had a saw near the hilt. She stared at the knife and at her right hand for a few moments, unsure, but then she slowly brought the saw part of the knife to her wrist and she started cutting. Pain shot though her body, warning her that she should stop, but she didn't. Blood started flowing from her veins, but she just bit her teeth and continued sawing.

She didn't even notice she was crying until she couldn't see through the tears anymore. She wiped the tears and continued sawing. Finally, the hand fell to the floor. She stared at it and at the stump, from which blood was gushing. Then she passed out.

Buffy was on her way back home. She had tried talking to Faith, but Faith just didn't care. It worried her sick and it scared her. In spite of everything, she liked Faith, a lot, and she also felt responsible for Finch's murder.

She stopped walking and thought about what she could do. She had walked out when Faith had said that she didn't care, but what if she did care? What if she was just too scared to deal? What if she would run away? She didn't want Faith to run away. She hesitated for a moment and then turned back.

When she got to Faith's apartment, she hesitated for a moment and then knocked. There was no response. She could see the light, which meant that Faith was probably inside. She knocked again, harder, but there was no response. She hesitated for a moment and then tried to open the door. It was open, Faith had apparently not locked it up. She opened the door and her eyes went wide when she saw Faith lying on the floor with her right hand cut off. She noticed the knife in Faith's left hand and she realized that Faith must have cut off her own hand. She kneeled beside her and grabbed the stump. She considered what to do and then tore off a piece of sheet and tied it around the stump, slowing the blood. Then she called 911.

While she was waiting for the surgeons to do their job, Buffy called Giles and told him that Faith was in the hospital. He and the gang immediately came and asked a lot of questions to which she had no answers. She sent them home and then called her mom and told her she'd stay in the hospital overnight.

When Faith finally woke up, the first thing she noticed was pain, a lot of it. Then her mind cleared a bit and she realized pain was coming from her right arm. She slowly opened her eyes and looked at the arm. She noticed it was bandaged. She was confused for a moment, but then she remembered, she had cut it off herself. And she also remembered why. She had killed a man, she was a murderer.

Then she noticed that she was not alone. She turned her head and saw a blonde head resting on the bed. She knew that blonde head, she would recognize it anywhere. It was Buffy. She wondered, confused, what Buffy was doing there.

Buffy felt Faith's movement and she opened her eyes. Faith quickly pretended she was asleep. Buffy was confused for a moment, but then she saw the tears on Faith's cheeks and she knew that Faith was awake.

"Faith," she said, but Faith didn't respond. "Faith," she said louder and wiped the tears from Faith's cheek.

Faith jerked, surprised, and she knew that she had given herself away, so she opened her eyes. Buffy was surprised by the look in her eyes, which looked old and tired, dead even. It scared her, but she put on a smile anyway.

"Why are you here?" Faith asked, noticing for the first time that Buffy's clothes were bloody.

She was worried for a moment, but then she saw that it was dried blood and that Buffy didn't appear hurt.

Buffy frowned.

"I was worried about you, Faith."

Faith snorted.

"Yeah, right."

"I was. You were lucky that I didn't quite believe you that you didn't care."

Faith's eyes went wide with realization.

"You found me?"

Buffy nodded.

"Yes."

Faith looked away, emotions running through her head, but she suppressed them.

"Now what?" she asked.

"You get well and…"

Faith interrupted her with a short.

"Who says I wanna get well, B? I'm a murderer, remember? I was supposed to protect people, not kill them. I'm a fucking screw-up."

"No, you're not," Buffy objected.

"Face the facts, B."

"You're not a screw-up, Faith," Buffy said determinedly. "It was an accident and…"

"It was an accident caused by my recklessness, B."

"But that doesn't mean you can't make up for what you've done."

"Make up? B, he's dead. Do I need to spell it out for you? Dead. There's nothing I can do that will bring him back."

"I know, but…"

"Then there's nothing to discuss, B. Go home."

Buffy stared at Faith, surprised by her behavior.

"No," she then said.

Faith stared at her for a few moments, surprised, and then looked away.

"Faith, I want to help you," Buffy said.

Faith gave her an angry look.

"I don't wanna be a fucking charity case, B!"

Buffy stared at her, surprised.

"You're not a charity case," she objected.

Faith snorted.

"The good Buffy, helping everyone. I don't need your pity, B."

"I don't pity you, Faith."

Faith snorted.

"Yeah, right," she said and looked away.

Buffy sighed.

"I love you."

Faith looked at her, surprised.

"Very funny," she said. "Not. Get out of here, B. Now!"

Buffy sighed.

"No."

"Doctor!" Faith called.

"Will you just shut up for a moment, Faith, and let me explain?! Why do you always have to turn everyone away? I'm on your side." She took a deep breath. "I liked you from the moment I saw you, Faith, but I had problems of my own. I still do, but when I saw you lying in the pool of blood with your hand cut off, I just knew that I couldn't lose you." She thought for a moment. "The way you make me feel when we're together, not even Angel managed to make me feel like that. Yes, I still love him, but it's nothing compared to the way I love you. I believe you love me too, but even if you don't, I still want to help you." She noticed the tears on her cheeks and she wiped them. "I don't want to lose you, Faith."

Faith stared at her, surprised. Buffy loved her? After all that she had done? How could she? How could she love a murderer?

"How can you?" she asked quietly.

Buffy smiled, relieved.

"I can't help it, Faith, I just do," she said and caressed Faith, causing her to flinch. "I want to help you, Faith. You're sorry for what you've done, right?"

Faith stared at her for a few moments and then slowly nodded.

"Yes," she said.

"Do you want to make up for what you've done?"

"How? He's dead."

"I know, but you can protect others. Faith, you're a good Slayer, in spite of what happened to Finch. If I was walking on the other side of you, it could easily be me stabbing him."

"I was reckless."

"So was I."

"Because of me."

"Because I chose to be. I wanted to know what it was like to be carefree, like you seemed to be." She sighed. "I was drawn to you, Faith."

Faith stared at her for a few moments.

"There's still the cops and the gang."

"There's no evidence, Faith. And as far as the gang is concerned, they think an El Eliminati has cut off your hand."

Faith frowned.

"You didn't tell them?"

Buffy shook her head.

"Their opinion of you is low enough thanks to your lies," she said and Faith looked away, ashamed. "I'm not blaming you for lying, Faith, and I think I understand why you did. I want you to trust me, Faith, and I want you to let me help you."

Faith stared at Buffy for a few moments. Buffy loved her and she wanted to help her. It was like a dream come true. Then why was she still scared? Why couldn't she just accept Buffy's love and help? Why couldn't she trust her and tell her the truth?

The door opened and a doctor came in with a nurse.

"Ah, you're awake," she said. "Good. Now, let's see about your hand."

Faith closed her eyes and let the doctor examine her hand. Buffy held Faith's good hand and observed the doctor. The doctor made comments, but neither Slayer paid attention.

When the doctor left, Buffy looked at Faith. She stared at her for a few moments and then caressed her. Faith opened her eyes and Buffy smiled.

"Rest now," she said. "I'll be here."

Faith stared at her for a few moments and then closed her eyes. Buffy then lay her head on the bed and also rested.

The Slayers were roused from their rest by Wesley and a couple of men.

"Buffy," Wesley said, surprised.

"What are you doing here?" Buffy asked.

"I have been sent by the Watchers' Council to take Faith to England to face…"

Buffy got up.

"Like hell you are."

"Buffy…"

"Shut up, Wes, and get the hell out of here."

"But…"

"No buts. I'll take care of Faith. If see any of you guys anywhere near Faith, I'll be very pissed." She slowly approached the men, giving them a menacing look. "And you really don't wanna know what a pissed Slayer is capable of."

"But she…"

"I know what she did! I was there. Right now she's starting to deal and I won't let your sorry bunch of nincompoops mess with her. You don't like it, go back to England. That includes you, Wes. You're a complete loser and you're nowhere as good as Giles. The Council has lost all its credibility with Cruciamentum and the way you're trying to handle Faith isn't helping you regain it. Now get out before I throw you out."

"Buffy…" Wesley tried to object, but when Buffy stepped closer, he backed off. "Ah, I think we should leave," he said.

"And don't come back."

Buffy stood ready until the door closed and then returned to the bed.

"Buffy…" Faith started, but didn't know how to continue.

Buffy smiled.

"It's okay," she said, taking Faith's hand. "They'll have to get through me to get to you."

"I don't want you to get hurt because of me."

"This is my choice, Faith. I won't let anything bad happen to you. Now rest. If I'm not mistaken, the doctor said something about releasing you today."

Faith nodded.

"Yeah."

"Okay. If the cops ask about what happened with your hand, just tell them that someone with a distorted face attacked you and cut it off. I hid the knife, so they don't know about it."

"You want me to lie to the cops?"

"Yes. You can't make up for what you've done if you're in jail. And I know your own consciousness will keep reminding you of what you've done. But I'll be there for you, Faith, every step of the way."

Faith stared at her and she felt like crying from happiness, but her survival instincts were still too strong.

"Thank you," she said instead and closed her eyes.

Buffy gently squeezed her hand and then lay her head back on the bed.

When the doctor returned for a final checkup, Buffy called her mom to come pick them up. Then she returned to Faith, worried that the Watchers might try something stupid again.

Joyce soon arrived and went to Faith's room.

"Hello, Faith," she said.

Faith looked at her.

"Hi," she said.

"How do you feel?"

Faith wanted to snort, but she knew it wouldn't be polite. She sighed.

"Like shit," she said.

Joyce nodded and looked at Buffy.

"Is she going to move in with us?" she asked.

Buffy nodded.

"Yes."

"Good. I already prepared a room."

"But…" Faith wanted to object, but Buffy stopped her.

"The last thing you need right now is to be alone, Faith. You need company, someone who won't judge you and remind you of what you've done. And you're not exactly fit to take care of yourself at the moment."

Faith wanted to object, but she sighed instead, realizing that Buffy was right.

"Okay," she said.

"Where's the doctor?" Joyce asked.

"I don't know, she left. She said Faith can be released."

"I'll go find her. You help Faith get dressed in the meantime."

Buffy nodded and Joyce left. Buffy then looked at Faith.

"Ready to go home?"

Faith stared at her for a moment. Home? She sighed. Maybe it would be home one day. She nodded and Buffy helped her sit. Although she wasn't exactly modest, she was still a bit nervous when Buffy helped her get dressed.

"We'll take a shower at home. Or a bath, whichever you prefer." Then she blushed. "I mean, one at a time."

Faith nodded.

When the paperwork was taken care of, Joyce drove Buffy and Faith home. Buffy then led Faith upstairs to show her her room. Then she took her to the bathroom.

After the bath, Faith went to her room and put on the clothes that Buffy had laid out for her. They weren't exactly her style, but she had no clothes of her own. But then again, they were Buffy's clothes. Then she went downstairs, where Joyce was preparing lunch.

"Hello, Faith," Joyce greeted her with a smile. "Hungry?"

Faith nodded.

"Lunch will be ready in about twenty minutes."

Faith nodded again.

"How long… have I been in the hospital?" she asked after a few moments.

Joyce thought for a moment.

"Eight days, I think. Yes, eight days."

"And Buffy's been there the whole time?"

"Yes. She refused to leave. I think, if it were possible, she would have gone into the operating room with you."

Faith thought about it for a few minutes.

"How… How do you feel about me being here?" she then asked.

Joyce looked at her, her face serious.

"I think Buffy is doing the right thing. She wants to help you and so do I."

Faith frowned.

"Why?"

Joyce shrugged.

"Because I like you."

"Even… Even after… what I've done?"

Joyce nodded.

"Yes. Buffy told me about it, it was an accident, and I understand that you were scared. But now that you're starting to deal, we'll help you. If you want to talk about it, you can always come to me."

Faith stared at her for a few moments.

"Thank you," she then said.

Joyce smiled and then continued to cook.

Buffy came down ten minutes later, after having taken a shower. She sat beside Faith and they quietly waited for lunch.

After lunch, they brushed their teeth. When Buffy helped Faith dry her hands, she noticed that Faith was upset, but was trying to hide it.

"I know you're not a cripple, Faith," she said. "I just want to help you until you can do this yourself. And I want you to tell me if I mother you too much, okay?" she said and caressed Faith. Then she frowned. "Or if I'm being too affectionate," she said and removed her hand.

Faith stared at her for a moment and then nodded. Then she frowned.

"Why… are you crying?"

Buffy frowned as well, puzzled. She touched her left cheek and noticed it was wet. She sighed.

"I'm scared," she then confessed. "I want to help you, but I don't know what to do to make you feel better. And I'm afraid that you'll try to kill yourself again if I'm not constantly there to remind you that you're not alone." She hesitated for a moment. "Can you promise me that you won't try to kill yourself again?"

Faith stared at her for a few moments, thinking about what Buffy had said. She still couldn't believe that Buffy cared about her, loved her even, after what she had done. And as much as she wanted to punish herself, she also didn't want to hurt Buffy.

"I promise," she said.

Buffy smiled and hugged her.

"Thank you," she said. Then she quickly broke the hug. "Sorry."

Faith thought for a few moments.

"Why… How…"

Buffy shrugged, understanding what Faith wanted to know.

"Because I love you, end of story. Beside Mom, you're the most important person in my life, more important than Willow or Xander or Angel or Giles."

Faith knit her eyebrows, still having trouble understanding. Buffy smiled sadly.

"Come, how about we go watch TV or something?"

Faith nodded and followed Buffy to the living room.

Soon after lunch, the police came to question Faith. With Buffy's help, she got off the hook. If it was up to her, she would've told the truth, but since Buffy had insisted, she lied. Not long after the police left, Willow came.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," Buffy said.

"How are you?"

Buffy sighed.

"Worried."

"About what?"

"Faith."

"How is she?"

"She's scared. She's starting to deal though, but it's killing her. I'm doing my best to help her and I can only hope that it will be enough."

"Oh. Oh, I brought you notes."

"Thanks," Buffy said and took them. "Did I miss any tests?"

"No."

"Thank God for small favors."

Willow smiled.

"The guys wanted to come, but I thought it would be best if I check out the situation first."

Buffy nodded.

"Thanks. Tell Giles I'll go on patrol tomorrow."

"Okay. So you're coming to school tomorrow?"

"Yes. Oh, and tell Giles that Wes and a couple of Council men wanted to take Faith to England."

"Really?"

"Yes. I told them I'll be very pissed if they messed with Faith."

Willow smiled.

"We'll keep our eyes open."

"Thanks."

"I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Okay. Tell the guys I said hi."

"I will."

Willow left and Buffy went to the living room. There, she started to go through the notes, keeping an eye on Faith.

"Faith," she said when she noticed that Faith was getting depressed.

Faith looked at her and Buffy smiled.

"You're a good girl," Buffy said.

Faith stared at her for a few moments and the nodded. Buffy's smile widened and she returned to the notes. Faith stared at her for a few moments and then returned her attention to the TV.

In the middle of the night, Buffy and Joyce were awoken by Faith's scream. They both got up, but Joyce returned to her room when she saw Buffy go into Faith's room.

Buffy sat beside Faith and caressed her.

"Shh," she tried to soothe her.

Faith clutched her hand and after a few moments, Buffy decided it would be best if she spent the rest of the night with Faith. Still, she decided to ask Faith first.

"Do you want me to lay beside you?"

Faith didn't respond, but after a few moments, she moved aside. Buffy lay beside her and she put her arm around Faith, who cuddled up to her. Buffy caressed her and then waited until Faith drifted off to sleep before allowing herself to fall asleep as well.

During the night, Faith woke up a couple more times and Buffy quietly held her. In the morning, Buffy woke up when she heard her alarm clock go off. She didn't want to leave Faith alone, but she knew Snyder would just love to throw her out. Again. She sighed and gently shook Faith.

"Faith."

Faith woke up with a gasp. Buffy smiled at her softly to calm her down.

"Sorry to wake you," she said, "but I wanted to go to school today. Will you be okay or do you want me to stay home?"

Faith stared at her for a few moments.

"Go to school," she then said.

"Are you sure? I can stay…"

"Go. I don't want you to get thrown out because of me."

"Faith, you're more important than school. If you need me to stay, I'll stay."

Faith stared at her for a few moments and then sighed.

"No, go, I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

Faith nodded.

"Yes."

Buffy smiled.

"Okay."

She caressed Faith and got up, making sure she wouldn't hit Faith's wounded arm.

"Hey, guys," Buffy said as she walked into the library.

"Hi," Willow said.

"Hello, Buffy," Giles said.

"Has anyone seen Wes around?" Buffy asked.

"He came by yesterday," Giles said.

"And?"

Giles hesitated for a moment.

"I, em, gave him a piece of my mind," he then said, fixing his glasses.

"Good. I told Mom not to open to anyone while I'm at school, just in case they decide to kidnap Faith."

"Speaking of Faith, how is she?"

Buffy sighed.

"Better. She's dealing. She feels responsible, even if it was an accident."

"I see."

"So, has Snyder been asking about me?"

"As a matter of fact, he has. He wants to see you."

Buffy rolled her eyes.

"The guy sure knows how to ruin a day. I better go see him before he decides to find me."

"Good luck," Xander said.

"Thanks, I'll need it."

Xander grinned and Buffy left.

"Mom?" Buffy asked when she came home and couldn't see Faith anywhere.

"Hi, honey."

"Where's Faith?"

"In the bathroom."

"Oh." Buffy relaxed. "How is she?"

"She cried a couple of times."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"But she's okay now?"

"Yes."

Buffy sighed, relieved.

"Okay. Thanks for watching her."

Joyce smiled.

During the day, however, Buffy noticed Faith's walls go up again. She finally confronted her.

"Faith," she said as she sat down beside her on the sofa. Faith looked at her. "Don't shut me out, please."

"What do you mean?" Faith said, frowning.

"I see the way you act. You want to be tough and invincible, but you're not. And neither am I. I want to help you, but you have to let me in. As a friend. I won't think any less of you if you cry or, I don't know, cuddle or something, I know you better."

Faith stared at her for a few moments and then sighed.

"I… I'm scared," she said.

Buffy smiled softly and raised her arm to put it around Faith's shoulder. Faith hesitated for a few moments, but then she finally cuddled up to Buffy.

"It's gonna be okay, Faith," Buffy said softly.

Patrol proved to be a dangerous thing if you're distracted, as Buffy found out. Several vamps got lucky and she suffered several cuts and bruises before she dispatched the vamps to Hell. Seeing she was a mess, she decided to cut the patrol short and go home.

When Buffy came home and Faith saw she was bleeding and limping a bit, she became worried.

"Buffy. Are you okay?" she asked.

Buffy nodded.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she said, not noticing the most of her face was covered in blood.

Faith hugged her.

"God, Buffy," she whispered and sobbed.

"Shh, it's okay," Buffy said and hugged her back.

"I love you so much."

Buffy's heart skipped a bit when she heard that.

"Oh Faith," she said and hugged her even tighter.

"Buffy! Are you okay?" Joyce asked when she saw Buffy's bloody face.

"Mom. Yes, I'm fine," she said and let go of Faith. "Just a few cuts and bruises."

"Oh," Joyce said, staring at Buffy's bloody face.

Faith wiped Buffy's face.

"You're a mess," she said.

Buffy smiled and wiped also her face.

"Oh," she said when she saw the blood on her hands.

Faith stared at Buffy's bloody hands for a moment and then looked at her own. They were also bloody and that brought back painful memories. She started to back off from Buffy, hyperventilating. Buffy noticed her distress and she quickly took Faith's hands into her own.

"Faith," she said. "Faith," she repeated when Faith ignored her the first time.

Faith jerked and looked at. Buffy gulped when she saw the haunted look in Faith's eyes.

"It's okay," Buffy said. "You're a good girl. Say it."

"I… I'm… a good girl."

"That's right. Now come, let's clean up."

Buffy led Faith to the bathroom and let her wash her hands first. Then she took off her own dirty clothes and cleaned up her wounds while Faith quietly observed her.

Faith was the first to go to bed. She was still a bit shocked from seeing Buffy's bloody face and from seeing her own bloody hands. But most of all, she was still surprised that she had the guts to tell Buffy that she loved her. Well, of course, Buffy had already told her she loved her, but she didn't want her own confession to sound like it was calculated. She found it ironic that she had to kill a man before she got Buffy. As far as she was concerned, she would gladly go to jail, but she didn't want to hurt Buffy. At the end, the only thing that mattered was Buffy.

She tossed around the bed for a while and then got up. She hesitated for a moment and then went to Buffy's room. She knocked gently and then peaked in. She saw Buffy look at her expectantly. She hesitated for a few moments, but Buffy seemed to have guessed why she was there and she uncovered the blanket.

"Hop in," Buffy said.

Faith went to the bed.

"On the other side," Buffy said, "so your hand will be on top."

Faith crawled over Buffy and lay next to her. Buffy covered them and then put her arm around Faith, who cuddled up to her.

"Buffy," Faith spoke after a while.

"Yes?"

Faith hesitated for a moment.

"I'd like to go see Giles tomorrow."

"Are you sure?"

Faith nodded.

"Yes." She took a deep breath. "I feel better now."

Buffy smiled.

"That's good."

Faith hesitated again.

"I love you, Buffy," she then said.

"I love you too, Faith," Buffy said and kissed Faith on the forehead.

"Thank you."

"Always."

The End