Decide

By Lynda Decker

At times in life we feel alone, we feel tiny in such a large universe. I had times I wanted to find a higher being, I wanted to believe there was such a thing, to help guide me on my long fruitless journey.

My husband had passed away, he was my world my reason to live.. When he departed, my world was nothing but an empty shell, my very soul was crushed, lost, he no longer was there to laugh with me, to grow with me, to be my inspiration.. I fell in a deep state of depression, and failed to eat, failed to bathe, failed myself and all my friends. People would knock on my door to see and hope I would answer it, instead they would hear my weakened voice, " Go away, I want to be alone."

There was no longer night and day, everything blended together, no point in time. My world was darkness, consuming me like a hungry spider, wrapping me in it’s web of misery. I lay there in my own personal hell, curled up in fetal position, eyes sealed closed with old crusted tears. I thought I was alone, free to become nothing, but soon realized I was not alone, I had visitors, a few. Unwelcome, they still came, and they filled my head with reality, meaning, and replenished my dwindling faith.

God? Who is that? What kind of God gives you something so wonderful, then takes it back? What kind of God would do this, with no warning, nor emotion or compassion? Teasing me with perfect love and plucking it from my grips leaving me empty. These filled my head like an over flowing valve, questioning myself, my reason of being. My world was my hell, and I was creating it as I sat there all alone.

I thought I was sleeping, still to this day, I am confused as to my state of mind. I lay there in bed, on my husband’s side, hugging his pillow, smelling his scent that he left. Hot tears flowed from my eyes and slid down my cheek, soaking the pillow. I felt a cool breeze tickle my skin like icy finger tips. I kept my eyes closed and continued to walk down memory lane. My husband and I on our first date, marriage day, when my images slowly dissolved and gave birth to a new darkness. I could not open my eyes as much as I wanted to, I tried, but failed. A pale ghoulish face entered my mind, it’s hallowed sockets stared at me, it’s lips pealed back to speak. The gurgling voice that erupted from it’s lips sends shivers down my spine as I recollect.

" Life is nothingness, you live, you die, what for? For a being you call a God? What kind of God would let a creature like me exist, if he is supposedly mightier than all? What kind of God would take something you loved so much, away from you? A heartless God, one you chose to worship."

It’s haunting stare never lifted, it was just a pale rotted face in a pool of darkness in my mind, enough for me to see.

" Give it up, there is no heaven, it is a lie like life it’s self. You think life has a goal, you think your life has meaning? If so, what is it? Rebell, give it up, and join our crusade, one that always delivers, always keeps promises, and never lets a soul down."

I opened my eyes when thunder crackled loudly outside, rattling my windows like chattering teeth.

A feeling of loneliness more so enveloped me, I felt smaller than ever, and uneasy. Part of me wanted to say it was a dream, I read too many Stephen King books, the other part was a nagging gut feeling reassuring me it really happened.

I looked around my bedroom to discover I was all alone. Nothing hid in the shadowy corners of my room, no glowing eyes stared at me. My heart beat began to return to it’s normal pace, and I lay my head back down on the tear dampened pillow.

"Michael I miss you, I miss your arms around me, your whispers in my ear. I need you, why did you leave me, why?" I cried. I felt silly, knowing he was not there to hear me. AS I closed my eyes once more, that hallowed sunken pale face in the pool of darkness was there waiting, inside my head.

" Didn’t Michael leave his gun in the dresser drawer?" Then it disappeared. I kept my eyes closed waiting for it to return, knowing it wouldn’t.

Michael did keep his gun in the night stand. I never gave it thought until just then. He left me, I could always follow. Why would God take him from me? Was he playing a trick? Well he can’t play with me I can play the same game.

I was driven with a new sense of direction, one so mortal, one so deffinate and final and I feared nothing, but welcomed it.

The gun was there, as I remembered, it’s cool shiny barel so cruel, and the handle so heavy in my hands.

This is my fate. This one little object will define me, will finalize me, and send me to eternity. I thought with my irrational mind. Michael had taught me how to use the gun, he was a police man, a job he loved, a job that killed him.

I checked the chambers, they were all full, all 6 filled with lethal doses.

Thunder continued to roll outside, like a large bowling ball making it’s way across the sky. I listened to it for a while, as I held the gun in my hands. Tears still flooded from my eyes in a never ending stream. The knot in my throat grew tighter as I attempted to gain courage to do it, to hold the gun to my head and pull. I swallowed, hard but accomplished. I hesitated, as if to wait for someone to stop me, who? Michael?

There was a final loud crash of thunder, I finally got the courage to do it. The gun no longer seemed so heavy, I lifted it to my head, my eyes looked down the barrel, then they closed. The cool steel barrel clicked on my teeth as I placed it into my mouth. My fingers pressed lightly on the trigger, I paused.

" You are not alone, you never are. I have been with you all along," a voice spoke from behind me. I thought it was Michael, but he was dead so it was impossible. I thought it was my imagination, so my eyes remained closed.

My heart began to pound real fast, when suddenly my darkness was split by the most beautiful light. Darkness scattered away like frightened insects, like the light was acid dissolving it to nothing. Love flowed through me like a strong wave of energy, all through my body, my veins, piercing my soul.

I opened my eyes and before me he stood. He was beautiful, more so than before. He was a soft radiant glowing light, that floated before me in a large ball. The light rays were so bright, bright like the sun yet I could look directly into them. My tears stopped flowing as I felt a sensation like hands holding me, hugging me. I was safe, I was happy, I felt totally at peace.

"You feel that," he asked.

"Yes," I said.

"This is me, this is love, each time you feel this in life, you feel me, my presence. I am never away from you as long as you feel this. Feel my love for you, the love I feel inside, and carry this on for the rest of your days, pass this on."

I began to cry again, but tears of happiness. All my darkness in my mind and my world, was gone, and I knew. I knew I was never alone, I knew I was loved, and there was love so strong, it goes beyond mortal comprehension. It coursed through me like strong electrical currents, and jolted me back to life with more vibrancy and exuberance.

We are not alone, we always have an angel by our side. Never for a moment doubt love, and never think that you are all alone in a world of darkness.