Angel

By Lynda Decker

I lay in bed, pain devouring me like a hungry beast. The faces of the nursing staff, all wrinkled with concern, knowing my fate, trying to make it easier, to comfort me as much as possible. Fear welled inside me, not knowing the finality, or what it would be like. I could see in others eyes, their own fears, knowing they realise their own mortality as they watch me slowly begin to fade. Fade like a dying flower, all my petals withered and dropping. I am clinging on the the last few, wanting to drink more of life, before I leave finally. I want to hold fresh, what life is like, only the pain inside cuts deeper, making me want to let go of the last petal.

Saying goodbye is the hardest to do, when given the chance. Watching my family walk into my room, grim looks on their faces, sullen with fear and sadness, and tears flooding their eyes. Each one tried so hard to be strong, not to cry, trying to tell themselves that this is best for me, that the pain was so great, and I deserved freedom.

Pain was my prison, one that held me for several months, each month growing longer, as the pain grew greater. My family would ask me to let go, as I lay in bed asleep to them, awake to my fate. "Don’t hang on, just let go."

Easy for them to say, when letting go was it for me, not only letting go of my life, but letting go of my loved ones, my baby, my husband that loved me so much.

The thing I hung onto most was life, I feared what came after. I had no answers, and feared slipping away into an unknown abyss, forever losing what I loved so much, my baby.

She looked down at me, not really understanding what was going on, what was going to happen, but sadness in her eyes told me she knew enough. My life, my love, I could not leave. "Are you going to ever come back" she asked me.

"I am never leaving you, " I said as tears filled my eyes, and the pain inside gripped me tighter with it’s ruthless claws. " I am always there, when you skin your knee, I will kiss it, when you cry , I am there whiping each tear away, when you get married, I am beside you. In your heart, mommy will always be."

Her face did not change, but more tears filled her baby blue eyes, and her tiny hand clutched mine tighter. How can I let her go?

After the family left, bid their final farewells, I lay in bed, consumed by my illness, helplessly losing the battle, and fearing my fate. I cried, tears flooded my eyes spilling out in hot stings. I closed my eyes and my body shook uncontrollably. I felt my pain ease up, and fade. I felt a warm touch on my face, a soft touch, and I opened my eyes. Beside me, in golden light, she stood. Her poweder white face looked down at me, her eyes answered all my questions. She was a glow, warmth and love, she was what I lived for, the emotions life brought, she brought. Her touch eased my pain, and eased my fear. Death was not so scary, not so lonely. Death, felt like life, all the emotions possible, the love, magnified, filled me as she touched me. She said nothing, but spoke endlessly with her eyes. What ever it was that I feared, withered away with the pain, the pain retreated like a conquered beast defeated, and I finally let go.