Priorities....November 7, 1999

Priorities....November 7, 1999

*Sigh*...it has been a while since I have "penned" in my journal.

I have missed it.

But, I have my reasons. At first, I thought they were not legitimate ones.

Then I had a slight realization.

I began to think about why I was berating myself about not writing. I had to question the process of rationalizing my not writing. Was it because I was missing the writing itself? Was I feeling as though I was denying myself a combined hobby/coping strategy? Or, was I feeling guilty that I was undoubtedly disappointing those few faithful readers?

I feel that it was perhaps a combination of both.

I thoroughly enjoy the process of writing. Whether I am pleased with the results, or whether I am pleasing others, really does not supercede my drive to be putting my thoughts in hard copy. It immortalizes my inspirations so as to allow reflection and introspection later in my life, as well as churn the creative juices for other projects.

Writing is part of my soul.

It is part of my journey.

Nevertheless, there is a part of me that has been beating myself up for not writing, just for the sake of posting. I struggled with this for a while, because I detest disappointing people; I would rather disappoint myself. However, I then had to ask myself about the motivation behind keeping a journal online: is it because I am a "hit slut", or because it is a novel medium in which to practice the craft?

I would like to think that it is the latter, but a teeny tiny part of me looks eagerly to my daily hits every once in a while.

Yet, for the most part, I write for me; I write to purge. I write to write.

So I think I am okay. Afterall, being absent these last few days has not driven me to the committal stage.

Just what has been keeping me occupied all this time?

I have been doing some extensive remodelling to our little abode in anticipation of The Goddess' move back early in December.

Before she left, we mused about all the things we would like to do with the place to make it more personal, more a reflection of us. The list ended up becoming quite long. While she intimated that it would be grand if some of the more monumental work could be done in the weeks that she remained in Ontario, I told her that there just would not be time for me to get it done myself. She added that a couple of her friends would be more than willing to help, even if I was not at home. Despite her stubbornness, I told her that I felt that to be too invasive.

She was convinced. The ruse was born.

As a combined Wedding, Welcome Home, and Christmas gift, I plan to have all the remodelling and more done by the time she arrives in early December. This involves painting several rooms and two hallways, refinishing two floors and a stairway, sorting through hoards of old, rarely used items that are no longer even usable, and the purchase of a few choice pieces of furniture, bedding and linens. Over the past couple of weeks, I have managed to get the floors, stairs, and a couple of the rooms done. It was no small task, and I was honoured to have the help of some dear friends. They will share in the gift by being here when The Goddess first walks into her completely refinished house, and probably goes into a hysterical fit.

I am not kidding; I have seen it happen.

I am also positive that The Goddess will want to cook everyone at least one dinner, which is worth all the work in spades.

Given that this task has taken a great deal of my spare time, I need what little is left over just to recharge. Thus, my writing has suffered a bit. I may have disappointed a few. However, in my quest to learn how to take care of myself, I have learned that I can no longer tolerate sleep deprivation. It just is not pretty. So, when I could be writing in the very wee hours in the morning, while the paint has been drying, and the clean up just completed, I have chosen to relax or retire.

But this is not a permanent thing, rest assured. I just love surprising my wife. Few that I have known can come close to her expression of appreciation and surprise. It is a gift that I give myself in giving a gift to her.

And I am sure that Reekie and Moo will still have paint on their noses, sides, and tails when The Goddess comes home as further testimony to the work we have put into the place. They just cannot help themselves.

I have not checked my email in a few days. Given the number of personal and list mail I usually receive every day, I am almost afraid to check. If I have not responded to something, please accept my apologies

Alex and Frieda are both away until close to the end of the month. Given that they comprise a large part of my intimate coping network, I am feeling a bit lonely. Thankfully, I still have Lowlandz and Rhiannon.

Safe journeys my travelling friends. I am thinking of you..

....Blessed Be...