The Price of Being Me...July 19, 1999

The Price of Being Me...July 19, 1999

Finally, a break from the heat. Today afforded cloudy skies, a swift, almost constant breeze, and most of all, it was cooler. A lot cooler, it seemed. It was welcome respite, and arrived just in time; I was beginning to feel that I was not going to be able to suffer the weather much longer. It was impacting my ability to work, after all. Not only because it made working in such conditions unbearable, but because I was getting a horrendous migraine. It was the degree of migraine that blurs the vision, makes light seem like hot daggers penetrating the eyes, makes every single, solitary movement an act of agony, and where mere breathing seems like an act of martyrdom. But, blessedly, not for most of today. However, the weather was not the sole source of my migraine.

I struggled with whether or not I was going to document this, only because it took up much too much of my time and spirit yesterday, and I felt it did not deserve much more. I also felt, given the nature of the issue, it did not deserve to be immortalized in my journal. However, I came to a conclusion today. This is my space, more or less. It is my domain to write what impacts me, inspires me, makes me. It is also my place to purge. Therefore, what better a place to write about my short lived experience as part of the Diary-L discussion group.

Diary-L is an email based discussion group for fellow journallers and diarists. According to their own charter it is supposed to "foster a strong sense of community" among journallers, albiet sometimes this is in the form of "friendly chatter". I discovered first hand the gross hyprocracy in this charter, via a select few Diary-L members who are choosing to ignore it, free of consequence. Indeed, in the course of yesterday's experience, it was posted by other members that the behaviour of these select few is to be expected, is commonplace, and one must develop a thick skin. Thick skin I have...for constructive criticism. What ensued I hardly place in this category.

The issue being discussed yesterday involved the tremendous media coverage of JFK's disappearance. Some, including me, felt the coverage was misplaced, and reeked of privilage. Others saw nothing wrong with the media blitz, for he was part of "America's Royals", had a difficult life, and a majority were interested. It was the makings of a great debate. I made the mistake of assuming that, given the nature of the discussion group, those involved were, on some level, intellectuals. I was grossly mistaken.

I entered the discussion after reading the following post:

That spoiled white boy had his father gunned down on national television and had his uncle shot in cold blood, before he was even out of grade school. He also watched his mother die a painful death --before he was 35. Those images were run over and over again in movies, television, print. Imagine if it was your dad, watching his head snap back and explode, again and again, in slow motion. Add that to the fact that every small snafu was tabloid fodder. Every failure was national news. Every step out of line or in line was examined. Hearing about every infidelity your father ever had. Spoiled, sure. It took him 3 times to pass his bar-- which he finally did, though he was not the best student-- when you and I both know that he could have said fuck it at anytime and sat on a beach somewhere and live off his family's wealth.----Jim

To which I responded:

That spoiled white boy had his father gunned down on national television and had his uncle shot in cold blood, before he was even out of grade school.
How many thousands of inner city children have witnesses the same or similar? Where is their CNN special? Are they any less "human"? Did they and their families somehow deserve it, because they are victims of abject poverty in a system that does not give a damn because people are more interested in perpetuating the JFK's of the world?
He also watched his mother die a painful death --before he was 35.
Again, why does this make him so "special"?
Those images were run over and over again in movies, television, print. Imagine if it was your dad, watching his head snap back and explode, again and again, in slow motion.
How do you know that did not happen to her [another diary-l member] father, as well?
Add that to the fact that every small snafu was tabloid fodder. Every failure was national news. Every step out of line or in line was examined. Hearing about every infidelity your father ever had.
Only because American Society is programmed to be interested in such crap.
Spoiled, sure. It took him 3 times to pass his bar-- which he finally did, though he was not the best student-- when you and I both know that he could have said fuck it at anytime and sat on a beach somewhere and live off his family's wealth.
I wouldn't want him as my laywer, although he is an inspiration in tenacity.

Posted to the group was a reply, from "Jessi", to my post above. Among other condescending things, she wrote:

How do you know that did not happen to her father, as well?
two words....puh-leaze. two more....how juvenille.>

My point was that no one could know that the member did not witness the death of someone in her family, and it was making a generalization at the very least to assume she did not. I guess "Jessi" forgets that in America, land of the "free" and gun-toting, one is more likely to witness someone get shot than have the opportunity to attend university or college. Instead of making that point, I erred with the following, wanting to point out to "Jessi" that her approach was much more juvenille than supposedly my arguement was:

Calling me juvenille? People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Now that's juvenille.

I guess I made a mistake in pointing out someone's hyprocracy, for it was then open season on Highlands:

So I went and checked out your journal. Clicked the "about Host" page. And you're a fucking nut. Just because I can----Curtis
he spelled my name incorrectly....It's RIGHT THERE....On the BOTTOM of ALL my Posts...In the sender field, the return filed, in my email address....THERE IS NO E ON THE END OF MY NAME!!!!heheheheheh----Jessi

Then someone named "Eileene" reposted Curtis' email above...I guess she figured I would not get it the first time. She later posted:

I went to check it out. I looked at the credits [producers] page: The extremely talented Ann-S-Thesia for the navigation bar, zodiac graphics, and others...I know Ann well and I went to check her site: "A Link Back to http://ann-s-thesia.com must be provided on each page where you use at least one of my graphics. Check out my logos pages for link-back buttons." Just a note for anyone that uses graphics provided ever-so-graciouly by people like Ann and Moyra (www.moyra.com). Please follow the agreements outlined on their websites. Thanks.

I did not know that Eileene was the internet graphics police. Had she troubled herself to email me personally and ask me about this, I would have mentioned to her the email I sent to Ann-S-Thesia personally, applauding her for her talents, and providing her with a link to this site. She wrote me back saying "thank-you". I believe that if Ann had, or has, a problem with my use of her graphics, she would write me herself. The insults continued, and remember this is supposed to be a discussion group about online journalling:

(Curtis wrote: So I went and checked out your journal. Clicked the "about Host" page. And you're a fucking nut.) I'd like to second that. But major props for the Zach Garland circa 1997 design. Woo!----gabby
I think you're referring to my "you're a fucking nut" comment. It was the first thing that popped into my head as I read the "About Host" page. I typed it out- realized that a comment with language like that doesn't often leave my screen for public distribution- then hit send anyway. Why? Coz he's a fucking nut. Of course, I've put about as much time and effort into that conclusion as he seems to have put into his comments. Can you please provide me with an Alternative to "fucking nut" that carries the same meaning and invokes the same reaction? Didn't think so. Gotta love the English language.----Curtis

Curtis wrote this after a friend came to my defense. I am still consulting my psychology manuals, but if I am a "fucking nut" merely for the layout of my site, and my spiritual beliefs, what is someone who makes such a defaming, cruel, uninformed remark solely for the purpose of entertainment? To think we wonder how hate groups like the Skin Heads and KKK originate. I subsequently wrote:I am well aware that my opinions and beliefs are among a minority. I am also aware that, particularly when I make these opinions known, I may find myself in a position to defend them. Nevertheless, in debate, I make an attempt to be respectful of the fact that people have opinions other than my own, and try not to belittle them.
My comment about glass houses borderlines what I strive to do, and I admit this. I recant it if it was offensive. However, I was attempting to point out that the manner in which Jessi was presenting her arguements was itself juvenille and belittling.
As far as the subsequent comments go, I find it inexcusable to resort to personal attacks and insults abouts one's work or beliefs. To me, this merely points out that person's inherent insecurities and ignorance. At the very least, it offers little motivation to entertain that person's post if he or she should wish to add anything constructive. It also validates why I have the particular beliefs I do.
Replying posts were:

So I guess Pride isn't one of the Seven Deadly Wiccan Sins, huh?----Joy
what it does make clear is that I haven't given up hope of attaining the once-announced award for biggest hose beast on diary-l. i thought my chances were gone, you know - no real targets to speak of. and then a quasi-gaelic fetishist, new age, astrology belching person with a fucked up pseudonym shows up and i realize, "here's my chance". I took it. I want it. Is that so wrong. Um, fyi, but ruins and those celtic swirly designs? they clash - as well as being historically incongruous. i've got nothing against a good celtic fetishism but for the love of pete - no one manages to get anything accurate!----gabby

My final post of the day was:

Bearing in mind that I am classified as "fucking nuts", and "ridiculous", among other things, for voicing an opinion based on, and merely having, my political, social, and spiritual beliefs, I am pondering: just exactly where do people fit who attack others so heatedly and cruelly merely for entertainment's sake?
I am confident about my beliefs, and content, for now, with my site. Approval is neither desired or required. Should someone have constructive criticism, or desire intellectual debate, I welcome it. I can ignore bullies.

At this point, I was still willing to entertain remaining a member of Diary-L. However, after spending almost all day dealing with a bunch of mudslinging neanderthals, and waking up this morning with an even worse migraine than I had yesterday, I figured that Diary-L was not worth my energy, my spirit, my intellect. Do not get me wrong, there are a few there that do not deserved to be classified with the likes of Curtis, Gabby, Joy, and Jessi. Indeed, Al Schroeder, Catherine Jamieson, Michael Hardy, and a few others are dignified, intellectual writers who know how to have a good debate. Nevertheless, the former group dominate discussion, and bully, degrade, and belittle anyone who has the misfortune of having a different opinion. I therefore unsubscribed from Diary-L. Not just because of the way I was treated, but because of the hypocracy inherent in the Charter, which states that such treatment of people is not permitted. Read the Charter, read what I was subjected to from just one post, compare, then you decide.

For myself, I have not only decided to not give anymore of my time and energy away to Diary-L, I have decided to put all the subsequent anger and frustration into creating a new discussion group. I will be providing more information on that tomorrow. In this new group, a lot will be permitted: different opinions, different ideas, different people with different interests. The one common denominator will be an interest in the creative writing process. I am sure I do not have to discuss what will not be permitted. For a taste of that, feel free to subscribe to Diary-L. They're just waiting for ya...I am sure their red meat content is getting low.

...Blessed Be