The Ever Present Past...July 13, 1999

The Ever Present Past...July 13, 1999

I had coffee with my great friend, Alyx, yesterday. It had been a while since we connected, and I look forward to his wit to brighten my spirits, regardless of my mood. In light of out meeting, it dawned on me the irony of my writing about my cat, Alex, yesterday. It was through no coincidence.

Alyx informed me yesterday of his separation from his wife, and intent for divorce. I was not terribly surprised, but sorrowful for him nonetheless. Having had that experience forced on me not too many moons ago, I would not wish it on anyone, least of all someone I care about. Nevertheless, his spirits are good, under the circumstances, and he has always had great coping skills from what I have witnessed. He has been a mentor for me in that department.

For all his humor and inspiration, the least I can do is return the favour, lend a sympathetic ear, and talk of my experiences. However, in the course of our conversation yesterday, in retrospect, I neglected to focus on some of the positives of this kind of situation. There are some to be had.

Alyx, my friend, revel in your independence. It has been a while since you did not have to think of the consequences of every single, solitary thing you do. Remember, you are not the person you were when you got married, and you are not the person you were a couple days ago. You are reinventing yourself. Be open to new, different experiences. Give yourself permission to have a good time, for joyful experiences are out there to be had.

You are on a journey of self discovery. You are going to learn things about yourself you never knew, and remember things you forgot about.

Allow yourself to grieve, for it always feels better afterward. Change is never easy, transition may take longer than we would like. However, we are always better off once we reach the other side, and know that you do not have to journey alone.

Ever.

I finally received the funds I have been too patiently waiting for. Blessed be. Alas, they have drifted from my grasp as quickly as they landed there. However, I still have a roof, a vehicle, some food, electricity (but just barely), chow for the menagerie, and some new socks to boot. Also, I was able to put some away towards the wedding expenses, something The Goddess has been fronting most of the money for thus far. And she still loves me...what a woman she is. I am blessed. However, when all is said and done, we will have paid for the ceremony fairly equally. What she is not aware of is my conspiring to take her to Scotland for a week after the ceremony. It will be a costly venture, but the spiritual significance will well outweigh the expense. After all, it is only money, and it stems from a system I have no respect for anyway.

I do not know what I am looking forward to more, the trip, or the expression on The Goddess' face when I give her the plane tickets at the reception. We have dreamed together of going to Scotland. We had a past life there together.

I stood over the piled rock feeling sorrow as I never felt before. The air was as cold, and the sky as grey, as I was sure the body buried beneath the makeshift marker was. It was my brother. I could not stop my tears any more than the clouds above me could resist letting go of their saturation. I swore revenge for my brother's murder, even if it meant my own demise. As I made my plans, I saw a shadow creep from behind, formed from what little light there was; everything around me was just varying shades of grey.
She begged me not to go, pleaded through her own grief. He was her husband, and she could not bear another loss. She raised me from a child, and I often thought of her as my mother. She seemed to know that I would return as my brother did, a mere shadow in the eye's corner, a whisper in the night breeze, a cold, lifeless form buried a few feet below the Earth's surface...

This was a waking vision I have had several times. For some reason, I feel it took place in Scotland in the 1700's. The Goddess has had the same, independent from me, where she was a new widow, standing behind her late husband's brother, on a cold, wet, day in the Highlands. Travelling to Scotland is like searching out the roots of our souls. I can think of no more appropriate time of "returning" there than after the ceremony celebrating our eternal connection. We may have difficulty coming back.

I love the romantic in me.

...Blessed Be