"Alyx...." April 5, 2000

"Alyx...." April 5, 2000

Total Darkness...

...and it has been a while, I know, since I have written anything.

I have not had the will. I have not possessed the desire.

But I know that Alyx would not want me to stop writing for too much longer, expecially for his sake. That is just the kind of person he is.

I have found myself honouring the person he is almost every second of the day since last I wrote here.

Indeed, I have been honouring him, and others, who have transcended the boundaries of friendship to become my metaphorical family in spirit and in kind.

I am truly a blessed person. It is said that if a person has just one other soul he or she can freely, honestly, and knowingly call a good friend, then that person is a blessed one. I must be over blessed, if that is possible, for I have had the great privilege of considering a handful of kindred souls remarkable and loving friends.

Perhaps even a bit more than a handful.

What a rare, wonderous circumstance that is.

I live for each day to allow me to return even a modicum of the love and consideration that these people have freely bestowed upon me.

And more than a modicum in Alyx's case, since he was this past week diagnosed with as yet an undetermined form of Lymphoma.

These last few days have been filled with anguish for me. I have attempted, hopefully with some success, to keep my fears and saddness away from Alyx. He does not need to be comforting me right now.

Part of what I love about him so is that if he knew just how I was feeling, he would do just that, despite the fact that it is what is least in his best interests, and what he needs to be the sole recipient of.

But I am scared.

So scared. For him, mostly, but for me, too. And I know that is is only shock at this point.

I have known Alyx for the last ten years, at least in this incarnation anyway. I feel strongly that our bond goes back further than that. Regardless, in this time, he has been such a true, giving, unconditionally caring friend to me when I needed one most. Even when I needed more than one.

I had been counting on that friendship for a great deal longer.

How we take such things for granted.

And aside from Lowlandz, he is the only other male friend in my life who is a perpetual icon of honour and integrity. I have judged myself in both their light all too frequently.

How so very much darker my reality would be without him.

There is one thing that The Goddess has taught me that I am clinging to with a tight grasp, tighter than anything I have clung to before perhaps. It is that everything in life that happens is not just for a reason, but is in and of itself a gift, regardless of whether the circumstance be joyful or heart wrenching.

And the gifts I have discovered in this last week are neverending. Perhaps the greatest is how truly greatful I am to have had the opportunity to spend my time on this planet with Alyx, The Goddess, Lowlandz, Freda, Rhiannon, Dray, Brie, and a handful of others. That we have not constantly honoured this is something that we are all rectifying. In lieu of a loving, caring compassionate, unconditional, and indeed, functional familial connection, these people have filled a void I had mourned for many, many years. They have given me the strength to stand for my convictions, the power to heal soul deep wounds, and the ability to let go of what never was more than a familial facade.

I so look forward to Alyx's jovial sense of humour; it always releases a laugh from deep inside regardless of how horrid I may be feeling. I count on his ability to see the positive in any situation, even if it sometimes consternates me when I am wanting to dwell on the negative.

These are gifts that are infused into my spirit and that cannot ever be taken away.

And in unwrapping yet another box, I rediscovered that we all have a path in this life; sometimes we walk alone, sometimes the roads intersect. Some believe that it is directed by the devine, I believe it is one we chose and keep in our subconscious.

Regardless, no matter what happens, no matter who is at the helm, everything will be okay, ultimately......

....Blessed Be...