The greatest man that I ever knew existed was in my family.. and I didn't realize it until it was too late..

My PawPaw was born in October, 1925.. and lived until July 12th, 1998... He was 73 years old when he died.. Why God took him at such a young age is beyond me.. I personally think we needed him and still do need him worse then He ever could.. but it is up to Him when we come and go.. I just wanna know why He took him from us.. if I had any kind of input in the whole situation, he'd be right here with us still..

I remember very little about my childhood.. all I know is that it was pretty damn tight being a kid in those days.. I'm the baby of my immediate family, and of my first cousins.. So he always sided with me against mama.. I do remember his house being my favorite house.. he lived on the Alabama River.. I believe it was from the day my grandmother died.. may have been before.. until the day he was bed written.. which was about a month before his death.. It had this loft like thing in it.. I couldn't go up there unless I was with an older brother.. and I remember mama and all them telling about how they'd sleep up there when we were visitng him.. His house was decked out in boating stuff.. Things like fish, and sailboats and lighthouses and all this other neat stuff.. He had a nice sized yard for Little Bit and his other dogs.. his neighbor had a swing that me, Jamie, Kendall and Jennifer would always go swing on and just let time pass bye and be about as carefree as we are now.. He had this big ole wooden swing and two charis and a table that went out on his patio.. We would beg him for Pringles and he would actually give them to us.. we'd sit on those swings arguing over who sat where and eat up all his Pringles.. Those were the days I swear.. He had this deck thing and stairs that went to the river.. we'd always ask if "Uncle Freddie, can we go down to the river?" He'd say "No! Not unless an adult is going with ya'll!" Any adult near us would say that and we would finally talk someone into taking us..

In his lifetime he achieved so much.. one thing was starting a HUGE family.. He was also a fighting pilot in World War II.. He built houses and condos down at the beach every summer, and he even helped build my aunts house.. At one time they wanted to sell that house, but that was before he died.. now they refuse to because of the memories that are there.. He was there from the beginning of the house to the end of his time.. He helped build the floor and roof I think..

He knew all of his grandchildren but two, plus future ones.. They got robbed of knowing the greatest man in this family..

That man took no shit from the boys of the family.. He let us girls off kinda easy, but once we started bad mouthing our mamas.. run.. That man was a rebel.. I'm the only one who has followed in his footsteps thus far.. He could cuss up a storm in a heartbeat.. he told you how it goes.. he had things going for him..

For 22 years.. he batteled some form of cancer.. called Mitisos Fongortes*?* Hell if I knew what it is.. all I know is that is caused him hell.. It formed to cancer and it started in the colon.. went to the liver and lungs.. On June 22, 1998.. they tried surgery to get the tumors out.. it was too late.. They were golf ball size tumors, and his liver and lungs were full of them.. The hospital he was in could've gotten a fat ass lawsuit one time.. We'd brought him home.. or to my aunts house.. because we thought he was good to go.. He was going to do chemo, but he couldn't, he was too weak.. Had they given it to him, he would've died from that.. He ended up having to go back to the hospital because he wasn't getting any better.. Well.. he had to go to the bathroom.. but his nurse couldn't come help him so he got up and had to do it himself.. My mama got a call from my aunt saying he had fallen and hurt himself.. in the hospital.. IN A GOD DAMN FUCKING HOSPITAL.. aren't they supposed to help you instead of kill you? So me and mama hauled ass to get back up there.. Then after that trip to the hospital.. it was on a Friday, July 10 that he came home to die.. We prayed out little hearts off that he jumped up and was fine the next day.. didn't happen.. My mom and aunt got into a blowout from the tension in the house, but worked everything out.. And the next day I'll always remember..
It was a muggy, rainy day.. mama had gotten me up and told me Tammy, Tim, Hallie and Hunter were coming up there to be with Paw.. Everyone was there but Jamie and Kendall.. To this day, we think he was trying his hardest to hang on and wait for them.. So we all told him it was okay if he couldn't.. And at 8:45 that night.. he died..

I remember what I did while I was in the shower.. I'd picked up Kendall's razor or maybe mine.. who cares.. and tried cutting my finger.. didn't happen though..

July 15th was the funeral.. saddest day I've ever lived through.. So many people I didn't know.. my mama cried, Aunt Judy cried.. everyone did.. it really hit us when the preacher mentioned Little Bit.. his dog.. He loved her more then life itself.. We all hoped she died when he did so that they could be buried together.. but she didn't.. We tried finding a family for her because none of us could take her, but couldn't find anyone that wanted her.. Anyone who knew PawPaw.. But couldn't find anyone so we had to put her to sleep..

While we were down at the beach at the beginning of this summer.. me, Jamie, Kaylee and Kendall had gone out for a little bit just riding around after going to dinner.. Kendall was at her friends house waiting on her friend while us three were out in the car talking.. I told Jamie about how I hated him for getting rid of Paw's truck.. I truly hated him for that.. I wanted to disown him.. I told him everything.. even about my suicide attempts, and I'll never forget the face he made.. he made one like he'd just lost his best friend.. guess he consideres me as a best friend too.. who know.. All I know, is that he's stuck with me for a very long time and he also told me that he's very proud of me for not going through wit it.. and from that night own.. we were inseperable.. Pissed Kaylee off a few times.. but she got over it.. Nobody knew how bad it'd fuck me up to see what happened to him.. Nobody knew it.. Mama said that had she known it, she would've never taken me up there to be through all of it.. I'm glad I was though.. because I enver officially said "Goodbye" to him.. I don't tell anybody "goodbye" though.. I know that I'll see them again someday.. That day, a part of me went with him..

He has this chair that he always sat in.. It's a white, leather rocker.. He was always found in that chair unless he was up doing something, out and about or asleep.. sitting there watching tv.. When I walked in his house for the first time after his death.. it wasn't right..
His chair is now back in my other room.. me, Hunter and Jeremy are the only ones who sit in it.. but my damn cats keep scratching it up and everytime I see it scratched up in another place.. another piece of my heart goes with it.. His car he had is in my driveway too.. I refuse to allow mama to sell it.. it was up to me rather Jamie got it or not..

I remember the night he died.. Aubrey had just become part of our family.. and he didn't really know PawPaw, but he cried too, and so did Tim because it reminded him of his grandmother that had passed.. At the funeral.. the thing that ripped me and Jamie both to shreds was that we saw my brothers crying.. I'd never seen that before, and would rather not see it again.. Jamie told me that the hardest thing he's ever done was be a paulberrior for Paw.. but he said it was the proudest thing he's ever done for himself..

I love my PawPaw to death and wish I could tell him I love him one more time.. but I can't.. I will someday, but hopefully no time soon.. I wish I could touch him, see him, hug him and just tell him how much I miss him and love him..