The Besz Dispenser - This Week's Rant

For the week of October 30th, 1998

I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Nothing in this world surprises and impresses me more than the stamina of the human mind and body. I'm testing out my stamina by not sleeping. Between waking up at 9:30 a.m., Tuesday morning and not sleeping until probably 12:00 a.m., Thursday night/Friday morning, I have been up with maybe two hours sleep, max. That's around 60 hours of being awake. I think better this way.

Or do I? Does anyone really think after that many hours of not sleeping? It really makes no difference either way, since I have no choice but to stay up. Schoolwork keeps me working constantly. And stress makes sure that I stay up to do the work. And I seem to be able to do things after the multitude of waking hours.

Of course, I don't have to do this to myself. I could just give up. You see, I really don't think university is for me. I have no clue how (and more importantly, why) I came to UW, other than to go four years without a real goal and to get out of unive rsity with (hopefully) a piece of paper saying that I can learn stuff. And then I can get a job. I guess whether I enjoy that job or not doesn't matter half as much as just paying off the many debts I'm building up by getting this higher learning. Unfortunately, what happens when it seems the only lesson you're learning is that you can't hack it?

So do I drop out? Well, that won't happen this term unless I want to have spent two months of reading for nothing. Next term? I am considering it, maybe working for a term or two. Sucks to move head first into a degree that I'm not even sure I want or could ever fully use.

I could and probably would get a job with any degree I get in university because of the degree and my bullshitting skills, but would I even want that job? Could I be a desk jockey? I really don't think I would make it in a boring, life-draining, soul-sucking desk job. Not to knock anyone, just saying that's not my cup of tea. I'd be terrible in a factory, even worse as a mechanic. So I question my being here at UW and wonder if it's all worth it. The sense of purpose has been lost, and not over money o r job possibilities, but over whether or not I can hack it or if I even care to try.

Yeah, I know I'm laying my problems out in front of you like you're a therapist. You all have your own problems to deal with which, more than likely, run the same lines as mine. But this is me after sleep, wondering if I can get a decent grade in a mid-term I have after writing this, and after that to write an essay on things I haven't read up on fully, as of yet.

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