For the week of March 20th, 1998

St. Paddy was a drunkard

St. Patrick's Day has come and gone. I hope everyone has recovered by now. But exactly what did drinking green beer have to do with a saint who drove all the serpents in Ireland into the sea? Maybe it can only be discovered by drinking yourself. Over research, I'd pick drinking too.

But St. Patrick's Day is not the only example of a holiday completely without the original meaning. There's St. Valentine's Day and Christmas. Yeah, Jesus wasn't a saint, but he's religious. So is Hallowe'en, but now that's about candy.

I'm pretty upset with all this displacement of meaning. Why do we drink beer and wear green for St. Paddy's Day? I'm sure it came from the Irish, who were no slouches at drinking and partying. And don't ask about the St. Valentine's Day's missed message. I don't know. And Christmas, well I don't know but I'm pretty sure we celebrate it on the Festival of Lights, back in the days of oppression against Christians. Then presents came into it. And vacations. Hey, he is the messiah. Well, for Christians anyway.

Why can't we just make up holidays? We have two or three for drinkers (this depends what country and religion you are), one for lovers, one for gifts, one for candy, one for turkey, and Labour day. Now what else do we need? I say a holiday every day of the week. Rotating. Monday can be recovery day, Tuesday is gift day, Wednesday drinking day, Thursday lovers day, Friday candy day, Saturday drinking day part II, and Sunday can be Labour day. Let's try that.

Gang warfare on the bus

Is it just me, or have our buses become areas where gangs confer? Not with each other vocally, but with scratching and writing on our bus system. Why? I'm almost reading the story of Boyz in the Hood traveling on the Number 12, seeing a guy named Thumper marked for a 187 on the 7. This is getting ridiculous.

When did we become the States? Who wants to? I hate that. Kids are getting stabbed in class, girl gangs are beating up other girls, guys gang-beating someone with a flashlight. This is Canada! What do these kids need to be violent for? Since when did Kitchener have a ghetto? Did I miss something? Teen angst doesn't account for this.

I think some kids are trying to be tough, because they have nothing better to do with their time, and so they beat others. Is this the cause of movies and TV? Possibly, but let's not get into that censorship issue. We should beat these kids. Throw away the young offenders. Let's become Beijing, bring on the bamboo sticks.

No, let's not do that. That's Jerry Springer talking again. But how do we solve this problem? Bring in the YMCA youth organization? Maybe Mike Harris is causing this. Or Captain Chrétien. I swear, he's a pirate. I can't help but say that. He must be.

But I digress. We need to solve this. Either way, I want a gun. Because if this is kids wanting to be in South-Central L.A., then we've got a problem, and I for one want a sidearm. If they want to be the U.S., then maybe we should send them there and tell them to fend for themselves. I bet they'd come crying back and eat some back-bacon in silence.

Copyright © 1999 Besz Dispenser Publications, Inc.