The Besz Dispenser - This Week's Rant

For the week of June 14, 1999

Get a Job

First, let me give you a brief outline here of the last few months of my life (in case you were too lazy to go over to the "About the Nobody" page). After my breakdown, I decided that I wasn't cut out for university so I dropped out. Now before that time I was a borderline manic depressive, who for quite some time wanted to kill himself. After I dropped out, I saw what my problem was, and have at least started to "walk the healing path." What was my problem? Well, going to university was a big one.

Honestly, though, it was the fact that I never lived for myself. I always did what I thought was right, but not what I wanted to do. I thought that I should go to university, that I need to get a great job in an office, and basically live a mundane existance. Inside, I wanted to be a writer, an actor, and generally smoke cigars. See, as long as I've got a word processor, book, a stage and a cigar, I'm fine. A house, maybe, but mostly the items listed above. Yet because of my fear of not having these things, I have to work.

As of late, however, these jobs that I have (yes, that was plural, because I have two) don't seem to be paying all the bills. Why? Because I'm in retail. And my main job is unfortunately in a seasonal retail establishment, where the main seasons are Fall and Winter. This flaw in my plan is rearing it's ugly head at me, and it's time to search for a job. This usually wouldn't be much of a concern to me, since I am usually lucky enough to find a job exactly when I need to, but my problem is that I actually like my job right now. Why do I like my low-paying job? Because, what other job can you find that you're pretty much your own boss, never see your real bosses, and you sit around playing games? And no, I'm not telling you where I work, because that would be foolish. But needless to say, ther is little to no stress, and besides the few occasions where I have to lift heavy boxes around, it's a very relaxing job.

But money is money, and I have none. In fact, I've gone down to one major meal a day. These things happen, I guess, and one meal a day is better than nothing, granted. Yet I can't help thinking that living in constant debt is a good thing. And although I'm sure many people do this day in and day out, I don't want to, I shouldn't have to, and with a bit more tightening of the money straps and more money to go around, I won't be.

So, my choices are: 1) stay with my current job, try to make ends meet, and see if I can get out of debt with what I have; 2) find another higher paying job that I may hate, but make ends meet, pay my debts, possibly get rid of my rust-bucket excuse for a car, and upgrade to 3 meals a day; or 3) win the lottary and fuck the rest. I wouldn't hold my breath for the last one, but a man can hope. In the meantime, I guess finding a new job will have to be it.

Oh well, maybe I can find one with a good network with internet capabilities, and just surf all day. Maybe.

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