The Besz Dispenser - This Week's Rant

For the week of September 18th, 1998

Those Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer

Well, after nearly flunking out of first year, working off my debt the entire summer, and dealing with deaths, disease, emotional turmoil, and a host of other miscellaneous problems and obstacles which life threw at me in its usual fashion, I'm back. Miss me?

Thought not. But I'm back anyhow, and boy, what a summer it was! Perfect for a nihilist like myself. Nuclear scares, global recession, our dollar fluctuating more than an overachiever at a bobbing-for-apples stand, and basic weather warnings all over. Oh, and Godzilla too.

Let's recap: Summer movies seem to eclipse all, don't they? I didn't know what to focus on more: Pakistan, India, or the Armageddon/Godzilla/X-Files pre-hype. But that doesn't really matter anyway. Not when Nuclear extinction faces the Indian subcontinent. Both sides racing for more weapons, neither looking at a map to see where their enemy is. Someone sooner or later will look out a window and see their enemies homes and say, "Wow, they're pretty close, aren't they?" Course, why worry about that, when the biggest question that month seemed to be, "Do Mulder and Scully finally kiss?"

What else happened? Oh, Bill Gates has beaten America and has brought out Windows 98, which will force all of us to buy patches and upgrades until the next millennium. And Bill will be there. Unfortunately, I think he'll beat death too. Somehow, he'll find a way. Yet, deep in my dreams, I hope and pray that when he is past a normal life-span, when he is hooked up to machines and computers needed to keep his heart and brain going, I hope he uses his own software to run his life-support system. That way, we can all laugh when he suddenly dies because the doctors put in an incompatible heart. Oh, what sweet revenge that would be.

Bill Clinton. Just saying the name now brings groans. I know it's all been said before, but I have to say, what man wouldn't want to have sex in the Oval Office? It's practically an American wet dream, and they are making a good President who happens to have loose pants and interns suffer. But they have a better dollar. Maybe Ol' Jean should sleep around. Lift up our dollar. Now, kill the discussions on this. Please.

Course, that's not all. Not by far. Firestorms in Florida, Frank Sinatra dying, Phil Hartman murdered, pollution warnings, the World Cup (with soccer hooliganism), Ireland getting medieval on its own ass (I guess if you want the job done right...), Indonesia changing governments, and our dollar sinking like the Titanic because of Japan's economic woes. I'd give my two cents on each of these, but I just don't have time.

Now, with the year coming to a close faster than Mel Lastman writing a letter to a Spice Girl, I only can wonder what will happen in the last four months before the final year of the century and millennium (which may prove to be more final than we expect, if you believe the hype). Well, whatever happens, I want front row, because I'm sure it won't be as dull as this summer.

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