The Besz Dispenser - This Week's Rant

For the week of July 19th, 1999

How to burn a book in 5 easy steps

I have a confession to make. I went to see the movie "South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut" last Tuesday (and the Tuesday before that too, since I really thought it was hilarious) and I noticed that it was rated R. Now, I know that's because of the animated violence, and sexual innuendo, but mostly from the amount of swearing that is in this film. I understand that, since they probably average close to about a swearword a second.

It's also funny because the main plot device in the film is a "foreign film from Canada" that is nothing but swearing and fart jokes is thought by the parents in South Park as corrupting their children, so they want to blame the entire country, going so far as to start a war, with bloody fighting before their children's eyes. Who would have thought that a animated, foul-mouthed and at times disgusting cartoon is the most socially risky endeavour to come out of Hollywood this summer?

I think the point of the movie - stop blaming the media and start looking at yourselves as parents - is not only plain as day, but couldn't have come at a better time, yet another thing I think is funny is that a movie which received an R rating can be written down and sold to six-year-olds. Don't think so? Go to your nearest bookstore and try to see what rating is given to books like "Mein Kampf" and "American Psycho". I didn't see any. And just because they aren't in the kids section doesn't mean they can't get it.

Sure, not many kids read nowadays, especially since TV and video games give them movie adaptations of books, and you can play some movies with your Playstation, but I could easily pick up something more gory than the entire "Friday the 13th" movie series in the bargain bin. Something that makes "Basic Instinct" look like one long cigarette commercial is on sale for $5.00 in the Fiction section.

I think this is a great way to lure your kids into reading. I don't know why anyone didn't think of this before: Can't get into that movie you wanted to see? Want to know what to do when you've got that girl to a room? Come to your nearest library! I can almost see it now. It's perfect, foolproof, and will give kids more thoughts of carnage and killing and sex and drugs than any session in front of TV will ever do. And swearing? HA! My God, if you want swearing, almost any book of fiction written in the 70's, 80's or 90's will give you very detailed ways of saying any swearword in existence. Hell, it will TEACH you some you've never even heard of.

After this advertising method becomes popularized, the tricky part is this: is reading something we want to teach the kids? I mean, it will give them some really bad ideas. Communism came from a book, as did Scientology. Could something as terrible as Jewel's poetry been inspired without other books of that ilk? And we all know books like "Dracula" spawned Marilyn Manson. Soon, books will be given a ratings code. Many authors will be pestered to make their book more sellable by toning down the content, getting that PG rating that the publisher's looking for. Many will rebel, write heavier, darker, more intellectual works, competing against stuff from Michael Bay and Howard Stern. People will be protesting, banning, even burning books, calling it smut and trash, and will raise their kids without books, without TV, movies, or video games. Then these people will sigh with relief that their children are safe from all the dangers of thinking and imagination, and will go back to churning their butter in peace.

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