Letter to Earth

Dear Earthling

Hello! I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet. I have transformed myself into this text file. As you are reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you like it because you are smiling. Please pass me on to someone else because I'm really horny.

What a Little Grammar Mistake Can Do

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED HEAVEN AND EARTH...

He was then faced with a class action lawsuit for failing to file an environmental inpact statement from HEPA (Heavenly Environmental Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping the universe pollution free.

God was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the project, but was issued a cease and desist order on the earthly portion of the project, pending further investigation by HEPA. Upon completion of his construction permit and environmental impact statement, God appeared before HEPA council to answer some questions. When asked why He began these projects in the first place, He simply replied that He liked to be creative. This was not considered an adequate reason and He was required to substantiate this further.

HEPA was unable to see any practical use for earth anyway, since "the earth was void and empty and darkness was on the face of the deep." Then God said, "Let there be Light."

He should never have brought up this point, since one member of the Council was active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested, asking how the Light was to be made. Would there be strip mining? Air Pollution? God explained that the Light would come from a huge ball of fire.

Nobody on the council really understood this, but it was provisionally accepted, assuming 1) that there would be no smog or smoke resulting from the burning; 2) a seperate burning permit would be required; and 3) since continuous light would be a waste of energy, it should be dark half of the time. So God agreed to divide the Light and the Darkness and He would call the Light Day and the Darkness Night. (The Council expressed no interest in in-house semantics.)

When asked how the earth would be covered, God said, "Let there be firmament made amidst the waters; and let it divide the waters from the waters." One ¨›

The council asked if there would only be water and firmament, and God said, "Let the earth bring forth the green herb, and such as may seed, and the fruit tree yielding after its own kind, which may have seen itself upon the earth." The Council agreed as long as native seed would be used. About future development God also said, "Let the waters bring forth the creeping creature having life, and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Here again, the Council took no formal action since this would require approval of the Fish and Game Commission coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobonangelic Society.

It then appeared the everything was in order until God stated that He wanted to complete the project in six days. At this time He was advised by the Council that his timing was was completely out of the question...HEPA would require a minimum of 180 days to review the application and enviromental impact statement, and then there would be public hearings. It would take 10 to 12 months before a permit would be granted.

God said, "To Hell with it!"

The Duel

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

 A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for
> a beer.  As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door
> saying:
>
> "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"  He
> goes in and sits down.
>
> The bartender comes over to him, sniffs,  says he smells kind of
> nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.  The truck driver says he
> drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is
> hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and
> serves him a beer.
>
> As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
> glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils
> stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long.
> The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows
> the guy away.  The truck driver asks him why he did that.
>
> The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the
> Silicon Valley, and are in season now.  You don't even need a
> license, he said.
>
> So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
> heads back onto the freeway.  Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,
> and the load shifts.  The back door breaks open and computers spill
> out all over the freeway.  He jumps out and sees a crowd already
> forming, grabbing up the computers.  They are all engineers,
> accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever
> seen.  He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what
> happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away,
> felling several of them instantly.
>
> A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
> screaming at him to stop.  The truck driver said, "What's wrong?  I
> thought nerds were in season."
>
> "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But  you can't bait 'em."

 THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET
 

  A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a
 bag of  money.  She insisted that she must speak with the president of the
 bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After
 much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the
 president's office (the customer is always right!).  The bank
 president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.  She replied,
 "$165,000!"  and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The
 president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,
 so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash
 around.  Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make
 bets." The president then asked, "Bets?  What kind of bets?"  The old
 woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls
 are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.  You can
 never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you
 like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my
 balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since
 there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me
 tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident
 president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet
 and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning  from
side to side, again and again.  He thoroughly checked them out until
 he  was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and
 that  he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the
little  old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.  She
 introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:  "$25,000
 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the
 bet  again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all
 see.  The president complied.  The little old lady peered closely at his
balls  and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the
 president,  "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head
 against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's
the  matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him
 $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's
 president's balls in my hand."

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." - ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"I am a jelly doughnut" - English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." - from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!" - Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Various pensées

Les femmes aiment par curiosité, par vanité, par esprit d'imitation, souvent par ennui et rarement aussi par amour

De kan tortera min kropp, bryta min benknotor, döda mig.... Då får de min döda kropp......inte min lydnad. (M Gandhi)

Per aspera ad astera.

Obstacles are what you see if you take your eyes of the goal.

Bate fierul cît este cald.

Det, som er, ver fuldt og helt, ikke stykkevis og delt. ( Ibsen )

An eye for an eye and soon all the world will be blind.(M Gandhi)

If the guilty ones shall not pay... the innocent will have to. (A Rand)

He who marries happily...becomes happy

He who marries miserably...become a philosopher. (Sokrates)

Tänk efter....före!

Do not make compromises with yourself.....you are all you have. (J Joplin)

There are two kinds of people:

The ones who go ahead and make something...and those who come after and criticise. (Seneca)

Amore, more, ore, re probantur amicitzie.

Hodie mihi, cras tibi

Help yourself....and God will help you. ( R L Stevenson)

Take from us all that we desire... and you take all that we have

It is not the one who has little who is poor... but the one who cannot get enough.

All you touch and all you see... is all your life will ever be

There are no perfect humans... only perfect intensions (Robin Hood)

I will not let death take me alive

Dying is easy... it's living that scares me to death

Everybody is alone... most people just have so many people arond them that they do not notice.

Even loving without hope is happiness

A weak man awaits an oppurtunity...

A common man receives it...

A great man creates it.

We are who we pretend to be. Thus we must be careful who we pretend to be.
(K Vonnegut)

Back to TOP

Main page