THE STETHOSCOPE SONG, A PROFESSIONAL BALLAD
by Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)

There was a young man in Boston town,
He bought him a stethoscope nice and new,
All mounted and finished and polished down,
With an ivory cap and a stopper too.

It happened a spider within did crawl,
And spun him a web of ample size,
Wherein there chanced one day to fall
A couple of very imprudent flies.

Now being from Paris but recently,
This fine young man would show his skill;
And so they gave him, his hands to try,
A hospital patient extremely ill.

Then out his stethoscope he took,
And on it placed his curious ear;
Mon Dieu! said he, with a knowing look,
Why, here is a sound that's mighty queer!

There's empyema beyond a doubt;
We'll plunge a trocar in his side.
The diagnosis was made out, --
They tapped the patient; so he died.

Then six young damsels, slight and frail,
Received this kind young doctor's cares;
They all were getting slim and pale,
And short of breath on mounting stairs.

They all made rhymes with "sighs" and "skies,"
And loathed their puddings and buttered rolls,
And dieted, much to their friends' surprise,
On pickles and pencils and chalk and coals.

So fast their little hearts did bound,
That frightened insects buzzed the more;
So over all their chests he found
The rale sifflant and the rale sonore.

He shook his head. There's grave disease, --
I greatly fear you all must die;
A slight post-mortem, if you please,
Surviving friends would gratify.

The six young damsels wept aloud,
Which so prevailed on six young men
That each his honest love avowed,
Whereat they all got well again.

This poor young man was all aghast;
The price of stethoscopes came down;
And so he was reduced at last
To practice in a country town.

Now use your ears, all that you can,
But don't forget to mind your eyes.
Or you may be cheated, like this young man.
By a couple of silly, abnormal flies.