I'm clinging to this lifeboat, to keep me from sinking in what
surrounds me. The many sounds of this room, the things I
must do, my fatigue, my confusion with my life. Why must I
fear these things? They are not truly threatening. Or am I
just following the path of least resistance, as I am so
often wont to do? I want to shout "Lord, give me strength!"
but I am embarrassed. I have the strength. It has been
provided. I need only make the step towards it- it will be
there.Am I waiting for a perfect moment to be revealed, the
thunderbolt, the revelation? The push and pull of the people
in my life provide the confusion. I have not been honest. If
I were honest, the push and pull would either meld with, or
be brushed off by, my natural motion, not cause this pinball
pinging about in my mind and my actions. The pushes and
pulls would be fewer as the pushers and pullers would
realize their powers were muted by my own. Why do these
people feel the need to control my actions? I have trouble
enough controlling my own, to even consider worrying about
theirs. I have not learned to be honest. With myself or
others. I am honest with the plain facts, with historical
information. But my desires, my plans, my hopes, my fears,
my joys. These I conceal. From myself and others. This
lifeboat, can it hold all this? Or will it founder on the
rocks?The sounds of the room- they have little to do with me. The
things I must do- I will do them, no problem, it is just
anxiety. My fatigue- it is a transient, homeless- it will
disappear with the heat of the day. My confusion with my
life- it will fade as the future becomes the now.
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