Monty Python and the Holy Grail Quotes

SOLDIER: Where did you get the coconuts?
ARTHUR: Through ... We found them.
SOLDIER: Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
SOLDIER: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
SOLDIER: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all. They could be carried.
SOLDIER: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: Why not?
SOLDIER: I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky to find a coconut under a pound.
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk ...
SOLDIER: It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not hold a a one pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.

SOLDIER: Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings four hundred and ninety three times every second. right?
ARTHUR: (irritated) Please!
SOLDIER: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested.
SECOND SOLDIER : It could be carried by an African swallow!
FIRST SOLDIER: Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European swallow. that's my point. SECOND SOLDIER: Oh yes, I agree there ...
ARTHUR (losing patience): Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights of Camelot?!
FIRST SOLDIER: But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.
SECOND SOLDIER: Oh yes.
ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY. They turn and go off into the mist.
FIRST SOLDIER: So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.
SECOND SOLDIER: Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?
FIRST SOLDIER: No, they'd have to have it on a line.

"I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

GALAHAD: Good evening ... Ah, Zoot! Er ...
DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
GALAHAD: Oh. Well, I'm sorry, but I must leave immediately.
DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad ... bad Zoot.
GALAHAD: Er, why?
DINGO: She has been lying again ... she told us you had promised to stay for ever!
GALAHAD: Oh!
GALAHAD: Oh ... will you excuse me?
DINGO: Where are you going?
GALAHAD: I have seen the Grail! I have seen it - here in this castle!
DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad ... bad Zoot!
GALAHAD: What is it?
DINGO: Bad, wicked, naughty Zoot! She has been setting fire to our beacon, which - I have just remembered - is grail-shaped ... It is not the first time we've had this problem.
GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?
DINGO: Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment... you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her. Come! GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you may deal with her as you like and then ... spank me.
AMAZING: And spank me!
STUNNER: And me.
LOVELY: And me.
DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS: A spanking. A spanking. There is going to be a spanking tonight.
DINGO: And after the spanking ... the oral sex.
GALAHAD: Oh, dear! Well, I...
GIRLS: The oral sex ... The oral sex.
GALAHAD: Well, I suppose I could stay a BIT longer.

ARTHUR: Who are you?
TALL KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say "Ni"!
BEDEVERE: No! Not the Knights Who Say "Ni"!
TALL KNIGHT: The same!

ARTHUR: All right! What do you want?
TALL KNIGHT: We want ... a shrubbery!

TALL KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else ... you shall not pass through this wood alive!
ARTHUR: Thanks you, Knights Who Say Ni! You are fair and just. We will return with a shrubbery.
TALL KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
ARTHUR: Of course.
TALL KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
ARTHUR: Yes ...
TALL KNIGHT: Now - go!

FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
LAUNCELOT: Er, Well ... the thing is ... I thought your son was a lady.
FATHER: I can understand that.

"... Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more,no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number,be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

"A moose once bit my sister...."