The Richard Blackwood Show

Material for The Richard Blackwood Show, Series 2

RELIGION

What does God look like? Was Jesus really a pasty skinned blue eyed guy who never went out in the sun? We know that Nazarenes of that time would have been pretty much black. It fits his profile, chilling with his disciple homeboys, hanging out with loose women, starting a riot in a temple and getting stitched up by the Roman constabulary. Talk about police assault.

"We left him in the cells, your honour. The duty sergeant heard a noise but was too late, by the time he got to the cells, he's gone and crucified himself with his shoe laces".

But try telling Church Of England vicars that Jesus was black. If they actually thought that, every time they'd finished praying, they'd check their wallets just in case.

The thing is Christians and Jews see God as either Father Christmas or a burning bush (RB winces). In Asia and East Asia though, gods are all over the place, one's a naked woman with six arms, another's the Elephant Man, another's a cabbage on stilts. I don't know what that says about God, but it says a lot about who's got the strongest gear.

Mind you, if you've ever read Revelations, I want to know who St John's dealer was..

(RB mimes spliff toking): I see... a beast with seven heads, seven swords, seven times seven wings coming from the sea... hey, St Paul, you have a toke, tell me what *you* think the end of the world will look like.

The Nation Of Islam guys though, they know for a fact that God is black. And he wears a tie, shines his shoes and definitely don't wear no short skirt, makeup or bleaches his hair.

Those Nation Of Islam guys look just like nightclub bouncers though, in fact a friend of mine employed a bunch of them as security for his club. Complete disaster! They stood out front as the queue edged up and it was "No trainers, wear a tie, get your hair cut, polish your shoes, no whites, no mixed race, no women... No women? In fact they didn't let anyone into the club apart from fellow members of the Nation Of Islam. And my friend wondered why takings at the bar were down.

I argued with one of Nation Of Islam guys once about they way they treat women. I reminded him that the Koran actually teaches that women should be treated above men, at a higher level. He agreed and said "Indeed, brother, I too believe women should be placed at a higher level than myself. That's why I've locked my wife in the attic."

BABYFATHERS

Babyfathers. I'm sick of that word. Sounds like its meant to be some kind of superhero (POSES) Babyfather! Fighting for truth, justice and the right to stick it in every woman on th e housing estate! Fighting his sworn enemy, the Child Support Agency! His one weakness - having to wear a condom (FAKES FEAR AND DREAD).

Why not do what I do? Every time you spend time with a women, instead of giving her a bun in the oven, give her a pot p lant instead. You can pick them up cheap at B&Q, you don't have to see them once a year, you don't have to remember to forget their birthdays, and you won't get chased by some Pot Plant Support Agency either. All right, occasionally she might rub you up for some money to buy plant food but that's about it.

So that's what I do. I'm proud to be a PotplantFather. I walking round with my brothers see some woman pushing a pot plant along in a pram and I'm like, hey guys, that pot plant's mine. I'm her potplant father. And that one and that one. (PROUD AND PLEASED) I tell you Sunday morning at down at Iceland, it's like a garden centre in there. And they're all carrying my seedlings.

Course it can have some drawbacks -turns out that one lady I was seeing has been getting pot plants from a lot of guys and I'm not sure I'm happy with that. And it's weird to see another guy looking after your pot plant -it doesn't seem right. If he harms one leaf - (THREATENS)

This goes out to all you babyfathers, you've got a shock coming. A few years from now, you'll be in a club, moving your body to the sweet sweet music, moving to the music, your soul at one with the dancefloor. And some sweet lady comes up behind you and gives you that look. And you dance with her, look into her eyes and you know that she could be the one. You sway together for hours, the beat moving between you, there's an undeniable chemistry before finding a small secluded table, drinks in hands as you drink in her eyes, her hair, her legs. And then she leans over and whispers those sweet special words in your ear. "Hello Dad." (PULL GRIMACE) Nyaaaa!

That's the third time that's happened this week!

This is a creative portfolio for advertising copywriter Rich Johnston.

You can call him on 0780 1350982 or at twisting@hotmail.com

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