(Sunday) Man, exercising in combat boots will kill you. I don't know how those military types do it. Of course, theirs don't have heels like my Doc Martens, I'll bet. Anyway, it became obvious to me that I was in serious need of some new tennis shoes (I haven't owned a pair since High School P.E.), so I went shopping with Dirk for a pair.
It took about 20 minutes, because I hate shopping for shoes...I just headed straight for the Vans store (Yes, I, too, feel the call of that Suicide Machines song) and picked out one of the less outrageously-colored pairs in my size. I save the kinky colors for my Doc Martens. Voila! Shoe shopping torture done.
This left us with rather a lot of down time, so we wandered around the Discount Mall Hell. Dirk talked me into buying a choker made out of hematite, his main argument being that it was only two bucks. I'm a sucker for a bargain.
(Monday)Work was dismal as usual. Alex went to lunch with his imaginary girlfriend. His imaginary girlfriend's imaginary ex-boyfriend apparently works at the restaurant they supposedly went to. The imaginary ex-boyfriend still has an imaginary crush on the imaginary girlfriend. Wow, Alex's fantasy life is much more interesting than my real life. I should let him write these diaries for me.
I also had a talk with Dirk about Saturday. At first he just apologized for what he said and the way he acted, but I couldn't let it go at that. I pointed out that whenever he got mad at me, he always said what would hurt me most...and it always seemed that he'd get mad at me whenever I pointed out that he has basically the same flaws that I do. I also mentioned the fact that no-one looked at me or talked to me the way he does when he's angry. No-one. My mother might get snide and bitchy, but it's always understood that she recognizes that I'm a person; albeit a very stupid person. I don't think it can be assumed that Dirk's seeing me as another person when he's truly angry at me.
I think it was an analogy to abusive relationships that made me determined to talk to Dirk about this. Someone said, "If you put a frog in boiling water, the frog will notice something's wrong immediately, and jump out. If, however, you put the frog in the water first, then heat it slowly to boiling, the frog will calmly stay in the water as it's being boiled to death. How like frogs people often are."
Dirk's the best guy in the world 98% of the time...it's the other 2% that makes me unhappy. He's not physically or verbally abusive (trust me, I've been through both, I know what I'm talking about), but the way he acts when he's angry is enough to worry me. So this needs to be worked out now, before it has the chance of escalating, you know?
When I was through with my monologue, he just sat there for a while. I worried, for a moment, that he might have gotten mad at me again....until I noticed that he was crying. When I asked him why he was crying, his whispered response was, "You're going to leave me."
I asked, "Why would you think that?"
"Because I'm so mean to you."
Well, of course, that wasn't the case. I just want him to understand that there are acceptable and unacceptable ways of expressing one's anger. I feel that his way of expressing it is unacceptable. I think he understands that now.
The rest of the evening was almost idyllic, despite the wind that came up. I love this early spring.
On a side note, Krisco called Dirk last night, demanding to know what Dirk has been doing with Chrissie. Stupid bitch. She forgot who he's dating again. This happens a lot, which attests to how delusional she is. So Dirk made up some really graphic sexual scenarious and told them to her. Whoa...she did not react well. She said that she couldn't possibly be involved with him again--tell it to the choir, sister. As if you had a snowball's chance in hell anyway.
