I'm not sure if I'll have the time for this tomorrow, so I'm doing my update tonight. I'm so happy that my ex has not just a GIRLFRIEND, but a fiancee. Please join me in wishing him all the best. I hope his future with the dumb little cow he dredged up from God-Knows-Where is a happy one. Unless he figures out a new way of irritating me, this is the last you'll hear about him.
So, the Christmas season is coming up. Please, if there's someone out there who cares about me, could you please kill my parents so I'll get the insurance money and be set for life? I am so sick of all this bullshit. Let me explain the situation to you guys.
I desperately want to move out of this hellhole. There are many reasons for me wanting to do this. A few of them are: 1) I am treated like a sixteen-year-old. 2) My mother is a cunt. 3) I'm doing horribly in college, thanks to the pregnancy and the subsequent abortion, and I really don't want to put up with their bullshit when I can't explain why. 4) I am very, very, tired of living with my parents eternal disappointment. 5) I'm just tired. Period. Of everything.
There are many things blocking my way. One is the fact that I am owed $1,000 by an unscrupulous ex who knows I need the money, but is too busy being a dick to give a shit about anything real anymore. 2) My parents, if they discover that I want to move out, will make it as hard as humanly possible. 3) I do not, thanks to the fact that my parents are assholes and the before-mentioned ex won't cough up the money, have a car, which is vital in this part of the world if you want to live on your own.
So, you'll please forgive me if I cannot manage to be little Miss Sunshine.
There are many people in this world who deserve hatred....please extend any extra hatred you may have lying around for those who are standing in the way of my survival.
Onto the actual events of my life. On Friday, Dirk and I went out with Katie and Ryan (no longer her boyfriend) to see a production of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. It was absolutely hilarious...ten times better than the movie. Especially the part where the Tradedians were miming the new king screwing the queen. That scene alone made this old couple sitting next to Katie leave during the intermission. I could have done without Ryan's presence during the evening, though. I was a little slow to catch on the first time I met him, but damn, that guy cannot shut up. And he has an irritating, condescending manner that infuriates me.
After the show, we all went to IHOP. It split up so that Dirk and Ryan were talking, and Katie and I were talking. It helped me get a lot cleared up, and a lot more focused. I almost completely forgot Dirk and Ryan were even there, because Katie and I were so caught up in what we were talking about. I didn't want the night to end, really. I just wanted to sit in IHOP, talking to Katie, and not feel like I was disappointing or upsetting anyone. I haven't felt like that in a while.
I didn't get home until 2:30 in the morning. I went straight to bed, only to be awoken at 9 the next morning so I could run to the bank. We went to practice. It was a lot more satisfying than it's been in a long time. I'm having an easier time learning new songs, and I've got all our old songs so memorized that I don't even have to think of the notes anymore. They just come. I wore out the calluses on my fingers, and I'm finally learning to play correctly, something that was neglected in the old days.
Saturday night, Dirk and I ate at Don Pablos...one of the "old school" waiters was working, from back when we first started dating. He said he hadn't worked there in eight months. But he remembered us, and remembered what we used to order (although Dirk's switched from drinking Coke to Dr. Pepper). We used to say we wanted to be married in Don Pablo's.
On Sunday, we helped my father bring their new exercise machine into the house...the box weighs over 200 pounds, so we had to open it and take the parts out one by one. Then, I went back to Dirk's place, where his mother talked me into staying for dinner. Apparently, his parents are alright with the idea of us moving in together. His father was joking about the dowry my parents owed him, until I informed him that in our (filipino) culture, it was the man's family who paid a dowry to the bride's family. That set them back a pace or two. Dirk's brother was rude as shit, of course, and his father's got an irritating sense of humor. The spaghetti was alright, though.
Afterward, Dirk and I went to Tower. Dirk got the new Tom Tomorrow comic book. I got an interesting cookbook, for people who have little free time, and less ingredients. Dirk didn't get up at all until it was almost time to bring him home.
Today was rather shamelessly spent in bed. The only thing I really got up for was to cook some garlic cheese biscuits for Dirk.
As for the whole situation with C--, I'm amazed. He is not distant anymore. He's acting the way he did before things got weird between us, about a year ago. I got a long semi-philisophical e-mail from him, discussing how he feels about song lyrics and their relative importance to a song. No emotional garbage. Just the way it used to be.
I found the lyrics for an Elvis Costello song that I'm infatuated with right now.
My Dark Life
She says nobody wants to believe
You're the same as everyone.
What makes me unique? My Dark Life.
There was a kink in the world
Sent that statue tumbling
An invitation east
So we can watch it all crumblingShe came off like light and so softly she spoke:
"You don't know, no you don't know about my dark life"
And you think you're a guest, you're a tourist at best
Peering into the corners of your dark life
Now that you tear your dreams from consumptive ballerinas
She'd stand on tiptoes for you in a grey and tattered tutu
She stays where she is because of voyeurs like these
With an accusative look that says My Dark Life.Robber men await you then in each beguiling alley
To shake you and to pierce you and remind you of
My Dark Life.Enter the pious elite, in their preening finery
And bang the tambourine
They're dining on rice paper scenery
See how the villian attracts envious glances from everyone
She's waitressing by day
It doesn't bring in much money nowAnd his strong concealed arms set off bells and alarms
In the strangest locations of My Dark Life
But the fantasy slipped as he tipped her in cigarettes
She tries to smile very graciously when she wants to kill him
Now the victory is sweet, you'll get down on your knees
It's the perfect position for kissing western leatherSo they came from Ugly Texas and from Nameless Tennassee
From Peculiar Missouri and from places closer to me.
All the cream of heartless England, cheered the carnival is over
There are remnants of red army bandsmen
Played "America The Beautiful"(11:00 p.m.)I'm sorry. Since this is the last entry mentioning Roachboy (assuming my good intentions and his lack of anything to irritate me with last), I just had to share this quote with you. It's something Dirk remembered from an especially heated discussion Roachboy and I had via IM. Roachboy was going on and on about something or other (as usual. He simply cannot shut up), and I replied, "When you're bored, you come up with your own definitions for commonly used terms, don't you?"
I think this is the best summation of Roachboy's character possible.
And I'd like to take this opportunity to mention what a relief it is to be dating someone who doesn't try to dictate my opinions to me. That's one thing about my previous relationship that drove me nuts. He just could not seem to grasp the fact that I am, always have been, and always will be, a sociopath. I am not interested in the greater good of mankind. I don't particularly care about worldwide human problems. If anything, I'm all for razing the entire surface of the planet and killing everyone. Present company excepted, of course. However, it wasn't enough for me to simply keep these opinions to myself. Since my boyfriend was a fanatic, I had to be one, too. I had to be willing to be arrested in the name of whatever bullshit cause he was following. Nevermind what I wanted.
If you ever wonder why there's all this churning rage whenever my ex comes up, there's your answer. He didn't want me. Despite what he may tell you and what he once believed, he never wanted me. He wanted someone I never was and never could be.
That sounds depressingly like my parents, doesn't it?
No, I'm not bitter. I'm charmed by my life, really. And right now, I'm smiling a cheshire cat grin so wide I think my face might break in half.
I'm in an expansive mood tonight, so I think I'm going to tell you guys the story of Dirk and I. I'm not going to tell it all tonight, but I'll tell you the beginning of the story; mostly because I've always wanted to tell it. Just so there's no shocked outrage coming my way, please let me remind you: I cheated on Roachboy with Dirk. I dumped Roachboy and dated Dirk, although I didn't dump Roachboy for Dirk. Got it? Good.
It all started with a kiss, really. Dirk and had been friends, close friends, for over a year. Our friendship was sealed by a summer of late-night phone conversations where we'd talk about anything. Sex, masturbation, drugs, we'd discussed it all. I was so proud of myself for having such a close platonic friend. Katie and I had even snuck him into my house when Katie spent the night, so he could spend the night with us. We'd never considered dating or anything. At least I hadn't. I used to tell him that a relationship between us would never work out, because we'd break up in just a few months from fighting.
Prior to the fateful day, Roachboy insisted I give Dirk a peek at my tits. I don't know why. I guess he was proud of them. A few days later, while we were at a friend's house, Dirk admitted that he'd been aroused at the time and begged me not to tell Roachboy. I promised, and thought nothing more of it.
On the fateful day, Dirk and Roachboy were at my house. It was mid-to-late April, and Dirk had somehow gotten away from Krisco for the afternoon. I think she may have been on vacation. Dirk and I had been lying on the kitchen floor after mock wrestling. Roachboy, as usual, was in the bathroom. I'll never know what made me do it. I had the sudden impulse to kiss Dirk, to feel what his lips felt like.
So, I leaned over and kissed him.
Then, I ran into the living room. I couldn't believe what I'd just done. Dirk followed me, caught me in his arms, and really kissed me. Tongue and all. The kiss I'd given him had been a playful peck on the lips...this was the real deal.
And, while he kissed me, I felt something I'd never felt, in the entire time I'd been with Roachboy...desire. The chemistry that must always have been there, unnoticed, came roaring to life. We broke from the kiss just as Roachboy came into the room.
Wow. Could you tell that I read a lot of trashy romance novels by reading that description? That's enough of the past for the moment. I may not add to that. It depends upon whether or not I feel expansive in the future.
I love all of you. Especially the ones who hate me.