(11:25 a.m.)Well, Nedstat's being a bastard again.
I'm working on the second night in a row with three hours of sleep. Actually, this would be the third night, because I only got three hours on Saturday night. This would be a major change from sleeping twelve to fifteen hours a night.
Things haven't been going as well as I would hope between Dirk and I. I still have really bad mood swings. The people at the clinic say these can last for a few weeks after an abortion. It's only been a little over a week, although it feels like it's been months.
I just can't stop getting angry. Little things, unimportant things set me off. I've lost so much of the control I worked years to establish and maintain. My ex didn't have the benefit of that control, until it was too late. I think most of it came of learning to hold myself still, empty, when I wanted to lash out but realized that I'd caused my own problems. I can still hold myself still, I don't lash out physically or verbally. But when I'm angry, Dirk can see it blazing out of my eyes, and it upsets him as much as if I yelled at him.
He says I look at him as if I wish he'd die.
So, I'm trying to be nicer, and trying to calm down faster, and generally trying to let Dirk know that I do love him. It's just going to be difficult for a while. It also doesn't help that his job tires him out so that he sleeps most of the day. I used to be able to at least talk to him at night, and he often came over. Now, if I see him during the day, he spends most of that time asleep, and can't really talk on the phone at night, because he never truly wakes up during the conversation and we both find it frustrating.
It's the loneliness that gets to me, sometimes. I really cannot wait to move out, so that I won't have someone telling me when I can and cannot drive the car. I talked to my friend, Deb, last night. It seems she's planning on getting an apartment with her boyfriend, Joe, at around the same time Dirk and I are planning on moving in together. Odd coincidence.
C-- called me last night. Yes, you read right. He called me. He's been worried about me, like a lot of people who know what's going on, and I think it bothered him that I spend all my nights online, because there's no-one to talk to. Of course, I might have given a little emotional nudge, but...I certainly didn't expect him to offer to call me.
The most I was hoping for was getting him to e-mail a bit more often. Once a week just doesn't cut it, in my book. Especially when the e-mails average five sentences long. Or maybe get online once in a while and talk via AIM. I hadn't had any sort of conversation with him since I first found out I was pregnant.
Anyway, before I got off AIM to wait for him to call, we had an odd conversation. C-- remarked, "you know, we still only have thoughts between us." This is true enough. We don't really acknowledge each other's birthdays or holidays, because we both feel the same about them -- we go through the motions, but would rather not be bothered. I pointed out that it might be better this way, and he agreed, saying "If we'd met through any other medium, I doubt we'd know nearly as much about each other as we do."
So, he called at 10:30, and we talked for about fourty-five minutes. He mentioned that he felt completely backwards, because I had so many more musical influences than he did. I'd never thought of it that way. Certainly I am familiar with more bands than he is, but that isn't really by choice. Nothing important was said, but it was nice to talk to someone, instead of watching words form on a computer screen.
C-- said we'd talk again soon. He always says that. Real life has a way of overthrowing our best intentions.
Yesterday, Dirk couldn't sleep while he was at my house, so we did a little Christmas shopping. He won't tell me what he's getting me for Christmas, and all I know is that it's expensive.
We were running late, and I got angry again, because I have to check in with That Cunt every couple of hours. Theoretically, it's to make sure I don't go anywhere during the day. I managed to remain mostly calm, though, restraining my complaints to the slowness of traffic.
I'm going to be running around, begging my professors to give me a little leeway. See, pregnancy made me too sick to go to class (you try going to class when you spend all day throwing up), and the aftermath of the abortion made me miss an important test. I'm not incredibly hopeful, but we'll see.
Another point of contention between Dirk and I is this Marijuana rally they're having in New York sometime in January. Dirk wants to go by himself, because he says that I wouldn't enjoy myself, and he'd feel obligated not to go to guitar shops and stuff out of courtesy to me. I do want to go, I want the opportunity to explore New York without parental controls. I also worry, because Dirk's never been to the City. I don't think he'd be safe, or know which areas to avoid. When we discussed this a couple nights ago, Dirk decided that he just wouldn't go if I was going to insist upon coming along. He says it shows I don't trust him. It's not a matter of trust, it's just that I think I'd enjoy myself, despite his opinion. I don't think he should decide what I would and would not enjoy.....
This isn't the end of this. I'm probably going to talk to him about this when I call him this afternoon, or tonight.
I told him about C-- calling, and he responded predictably. Mock-angry. He keeps telling me that I can't talk to anyone who has male genitalia. I asked him if this applied to our friend 'Bert, and he said that 'Bert doesn't have a "pee-pee". I'm sure Larvae (The Taker of 'Bert's Virginity) would find this observation a bit surprising.
I don't think I mentioned this, but I finally got the lyrics to "Dear Mr. Jesus", thanks to my new friend, Andy (I might be a little presumptuous in bestowing this title, but we both like King Crimson, so that's good enough for me). So, I suppose I would be remiss if I didn't post them up.
Dear Mr. Jesus, I just had to write to you
Something really scared me, when I saw it on the news
A story 'bout a little girl beaten black and blue
Jesus, thought I'd take this right to youDear Mr. Jesus, I don't understand
Why they took her mom and dad away
I know that they don't mean to hit with wild and angry hands
Tell them just how big they are I prayPlease don't let them hurt your children
We need love and shelter from the storm
Please don't let them hurt your children
Won't you keep us safe and warmDear Mr. Jesus, they say that she may die
Oh I hope the doctors stop the pain
I know that you could save her and take her up to the sky
So she would never have to hurt againPlease don't let them hurt your children...
Dear Mr. Jesus, please tell me what to do
And please don't tell my daddy
But my mommy hits me, too.I've loved this song since I was about nine, back when I had a radio that only picked up the local country station.