It's been a pretty special week-end. On Saturday, it was a bitch getting Dirk up for practice. Not that I blame him. He'd only gotten about five hours of sleep when I came to wake him. We got to practice, and DoShu showed up right on time. I think things are going to work out well with him. He's already planning to cut back his hours on Saturday so he can get to practice on time, and he's offered to chip in for next month's rent. And you know what? He's from a touring band, that released an E.P.! We lucked out, big time. The thing that gets me is he was so grateful that we gave him a chance to audition for us. Apparently, he'd been dicked around by other bands posting ads in the citypaper. No surprise, as the area's rife with assholes who think they can play.
Dirk was a little pissed when he found out that I'd posted up the fact that I was pregnant, but only for about 2 minutes. He worries about my safety, and it's hard not to when you hear all sorts of horror stories about sickos bombing abortion clinics. You know, there's even a site listing personal info, like address, phone number, and social security number, of doctors that perform abortions. And the guy claims no responsibility for what sickos do with this information. How much of an asshole can you be?
Saturday evening, I think we took a nap, so that Dirk could get his quota of sleep. On Sunday, I went over to Dirk's house, but didn't wake him up. I ended up sitting on the couch with Dirk's head resting in my lap, and my head resting on a pillow I'd plopped on his chest. For once, his parent's didn't bother us, except when his father apparently thought it was hilarious to point out, "Look at those two. They're sleeping together!" He must have thought it was witty, he repeated it often enough. I don't think Dirk's mom got the joke. Sunday night, we did....something. Oh, that's right. We saw "Waterboy". It was semi-amusing, although not as fantastic as I'd have liked. I think Adam Sandler is destined to be the next Jim Carrey--stupid and irritating.
Of course, I'm leaving out all the bits where I was crying or simply sitting alone and shaking. I don't like being pregnant, it feels fucking awful. And I feel alone. Even though I've got all the support I could ask for. Because no-one else I know has a fucking parasite lodged in their gut, waiting to balloon into a tiny person. I've been a little morose this week-end.
Monday was semi-alright, despite the fact that my mother was home. Dirk, it seems, wants to take classes next semester. His mother feels I'm responsible for the turnaround his life's taken. I don't mind taking credit. After all, half the reason I took up with him is because I knew I could reach him, when it seemed no-one else could. I knew I understood what he needed, and how to help him so that he'd start doing things for himself and getting his life in order. It was rather simple, really, but it seemed everyone around was too stupid to figure it out. Unconditional support. I don't think he's ever gotten that from his parents, who don't know what to do with a son whose driving passion is his guitar and politics. Roachboy could never give it, because he's always felt he was superior to Dirk, and it showed. Krisco couldn't, because she was beyond selfish, and only served to decrease Dirk's sense of self-worth. Dirk used to tell me, when we first started dating legitimately, that I was the only person who made him feel worthwhile. Krisco had always made him feel like he was the lowest scum on the planet.
It's really sad that I was the only one who had the patience and understanding to manage this, when I'm notorious for having no patience, and being as close-minded as possible. Of course, I shouldn't take all the credit. Dirk's always been great, he just didn't have enough self-esteem to realize it.
That's also part of the reason I ended up dumping Roachboy. I could see, even if he never did, that I couldn't help him. His problems were more deeply rooted, and of the sort that required psychiatrical treatment and/or psychoactive drugs to cure. I'm not a miracle worker, I'm very limited in what I can accomplish.
I saw Krisco's boyfriend walking to her house again. I don't think he's going to school anymore, because he was walking there before the busses (sp?) started dropping students off, and, besides, if he had been at school, wouldn't it have been easier to get a ride with Krisco, or at least ride the bus that stops right in front of her house? If he's not going to school, that's kind of sad. I wonder how Krisco feels about it?
I had to wake up at the godawful hour of 4:30 this morning, so my father could drive me to work. So, I'm quite ready to pass out.
Oh, please, god, let me kill the guys in some of my friends' lives.....I don't understand why some of them can be such assholes.
I'm waiting for CTC (Computer Technology Center) to get their asses over to my office so I can get my new password. It seems they updated my system on Friday, and since I wasn't in, they just fucking reset my password. I hate these assholes, sometimes.
You know, it's apparently legal to post up personal info about people on the ‘Net, whether they want you to or not....that's disturbing, actually.
I think whoever's in charge of the lyrics.ch server is on crack. I mean, how hard is it to get Marilyn Manson Lyrics right? As if they're not fucking printed in the liner notes. I was looking for MC5's "come together", but the only MC5 lyrics they have is "Kick Out The Jams", which is less than useless to me.
(12:00 pm)Unfortunately, I'm not as bored as I'd like to be today. For reasons I cannot understand, they are making me do Receptionist Things. Which, of course, involves quite a bit of running around and handing bits of paper to people.
I've gotten a couple e-mails insisting that I'm not as mean as I pretend to be, and that I'm just trying to prove a point. They're right. I am teaching everyone who comes across this site an important lesson: people are assholes. Especially ex's, parents, and coworkers. Plus any strangers you happen to run across. They're all assholes.
Let's get a few things straight: I am not a lost lamb, I do not require guidance, and I am not on the path to whatever damnation your religion sees fit to dispense to "sinners". I watched that show about Near Death Experiences, and you know what my conclusion was? A hell of a lot more people have hallucinations than I previously thought. They didn't see the afterlife. They saw what they assumed the afterlife would be like, deep in their twisted little subconscious.
I'm not feeling so good today. I spent a whole week-end feeling like I might puke, and today I'm just tired. I don't think my body's particularly pleased with this pregnancy, either. I spent a full five minutes writhing in pain last night as the Worst Cramps of My Life killed my will to live. I thought pregnancy was supposed to feel "special". I thought you were supposed to "glow". I am experiencing none of this. I look the same as usual, I feel miserable, and I am just not being recompensed in any way for this parasite feeding off me.......maybe it has to do with my attitude. Perhaps if I had been (unbelievable as this may be) Happy that I'm pregnant, I'd be glowing, etc. I doubt it though. I have noticed, however, that my cat, Sasha, is more protective of me than usual these days.
I dreamt that the FBI had come from New York to take my cat, Sasha. Apparently, they wanted to run some tests on her. They promised they'd bring her back in a week, unharmed. I was frantic, trying to hide Sasha and screaming at them about my rights. They took her anyway, and I followed them into upper New York State, trying to get Sasha back. I couldn't find them, though, and had to turn back.
I woke up with Sasha nibbling on the tip of my nose.
I've been getting pretty bitchy with my parents, as well. On Sunday, I lectured my father for a full five minutes because he put a clear plastic napkin holder full of invoices and such on the windowsill behind my chair. Of course, it fell, spilling its contents on the floor. I need to get the hell out of this house. These people piss me off, and I don't know why. I mean, I have nearly endless patience for Dirk, or Katie (though she almost never irritates me, so it's not hard), but I have absolutely none for them....sad. It's a sign I need to move out.