"But I do wish to leave the hospital, I think I' ready. If you insist on having a commitment hearing, well I guess that's what you'll do," I said.
" I think you are making a mistake Tim, but I will provide you with the papers you need to formally request a discharge. I will also schedule a hearing to evaluate your prognosis."
"You mean you can evaluate it in a meeting what you couldn't evaluate for the past year."
"There is no need to be defensive Tim, I only want what is best for you and at this time I believe it is to continue your stay at the hospital."
"Well, I guess where are at an impasse, let the legal proceeding begin," I said.
"Very well, once you summit the proper papers a hearing well be schedule within 72 hours. You will be permitted to have your own attorney speak in your defense. The meeting will take place in front of magistrate from the court. I must warn you that if you are committed, there will be no predetermine date for your release."
"Well, there doesn't sound like there's one now so that doesn't matter."

Freedom from the institution was on my mind now like never before. I had tried playing it straight, following all their rules and it had gotten me no where. The hospital was becoming a symbol of my struggle throughout life. I always followed the established path and always found it lead to nowhere. I heard it from the time I was young, stay the course, obey the rules and someday you will reap the rewards. Well, there were no rewards. The more I tried to adapt myself to the established way, the more lost I became. I needed to set my own course, establish my own way. I could no longer allow myself to blindly be lead astray my strangers. What ever had occurred to me in the last year somehow had awakened my spirit. I didn't know where I was going or how I would get there but I knew I must go just the same. Perhaps, I was suffering from what others defined as an illness but what ever was occurring in me was for a reason. I no longer would permit the scrutiny and corrections of authority. Nothing great ever happens to anyone in life unless they can break free from the shackles society places upon us. It's easy to follow your life according to someone else plans. It's safe. There is comfort in conformity.

One of the most difficult things in life is to be true to your self, to find your individuality. It's much easier to mimic the thoughts and feelings of others. Independent thoughts are considered an undesirable trait in society. You are seen as selfish and arrogant. Somehow, you need to overcome these obstacles and believe in yourself. Original concepts are becoming rare. You feel that if your ideas were truly worthy, then surely someone else would have already thought of them. Unfortunately most people our scared to release their true self to the world.

I was beginning to understand that you have to be able to follow your instincts and ignore what you consider to be the rational part of your mind. Most people cling to familiarity because no matter what rut we find ourselves in, we feel it's safer then the unknown. I spent most of my life talking myself out of following what I considered to be right. I'd created my own prison just so I could dream of how the green the field was outside the cell. I'd always felt it was better to believe in dreams then to risk rejection in pursuit of them. My ideas had changed, I decided now that taking risks was the essential element in living a fulfilled life. The most important thing is to feed your spirit even if the body remains hungry.

Originality and creativity is often mistaken as insanity. To form a world by following your own believes is what mental hospitals were created to cure. Yet, I believed if you are real to your self and follow your passion, regardless of consequences, then all things are possible. When I believed life was nothing but hopelessness and despair it was not because it was all I saw, but from what I knew we could be. We must obey our own wills to follow the will of others will always lead to disaster. Following a path that we know in our souls to be wrong is where all our fear and sadness is born. The fear of the unknown is strong but to follow what you don't believe, well, to me that was insane.

Release from the hospital was only my first step to a new life. I decided that everything must change. I would first remove myself from the hospital and then release myself from society in general.

I called Marty to discuss my situation. He offered to hire an attorney on my be-have. I no longer wanted to accept anything from anybody but given the circumstances I decided to make one last exception. Marty said it would be a piece of cake to get me out. I was hoping he was right.

I submitted the necessary papers to MS. Rigid's dismay. She had miscalculated again and she was pissed. Dr. Miller was shock when I handed her the papers. She seemed to be genuinely confused by my actions. She must have thought that the threat of indefinite incarceration would scare me off. It was obvious that she never believe I would follow through with my request.

I met with the lawyer, Richard Myers the following day. He was mid-forties, but somehow I had the feeling he would never admit it if questioned. He was the kind of guy who did not believe in allowing the inevitable aging process to wreck havoc upon his swelled ego. It was obvious that the guy spent many of tortuous hours in a gym attempting in pointless desperation to defy the aging process. He may have been on to something too. His faced showed that he was indeed a man in his forties but his body suggested a much younger man. With some effort it's possible to keep your body in fair shape but even with the miracles of modern medicine your face will give your time on this planet away. Yeah, maybe the guy still had a body of someone in his earlier thirties but the creams and facelifts couldn't cover the relentless, unforgiving foe called time.

Richard was actually fairly cool. He had one of those happy, outgoing personalities that made other people immediately feel at ease. Whatever he felt he had a need to display instantly, nice guy but not real deep. He was kind of like a used car salesman but only more sincere. Richard was a guy who was hard to dislike but easy to forget.

"Tim the whole thing is really about health insurance. If you didn't have any there wouldn't be any hearing. The hospital is just like any other business; their main motivation is money. Since you were enrolled as a college student upon your arrival. You are still covered under your father insurance. Even though he's now deceased the insurance company is obligated to continue the coverage as long as you remain in the hospital. And let me tell you Tim, your father had primo health insurance. Much better then most people. Hell, much better then I have. Your father's coverage included 3 million in mental health benefits. You're like the goose that laid the golden egg to this place. Most health plans are virtually discontinuing in patient services and a three million-dollar coverage is unheard of. This place wants to keep you until you reach that magic number in expenses, Richard explained."

"So what your saying is, I'm basically screwed."
"No, no not at all. It's true they will try like hell to keep you right here but the law is on our side. In order to commit you they must prove that you are presently a potential harm to yourself or others."
"Potential harm, hell aren't we all."
Richard laughed with unequivocal abandonment at my comment.
"Yeah, I suppose you're right in a way we all our at risk at harming ourselves or others but it's a little more complicated then that. In order to commit they must prove the immediate likelihood of you physically endangering yourself or someone else. From our brief conversation today I would say they have a uphill battle."
"Well yeah, especially since until a week or so ago I was tied down to my bed," I said.
"You were being held in restraints? Why was that? Did you harm someone or threatened too?"
"To tell you the truth, Mr. Myers, I have no idea. Not counting the last week I really have no recollection of my stay here."
"Do me a favor Tim if I can't prevent you from being questioned at the hearing, promise me you won't repeat what you just said. I'll find out about all events you were involved with during your stay at the hospital. But you must not admit you were unsure of what your potential for violently behavior Even though legally the hearing is only concerned with your present state of mind, it still wouldn't sound good."
"Hey, whatever ever gets me out," I said.
"Believe me, follow my advise and it won't be a problem, Richard said.
It occurred to me that when anyone ever said follow my advice, they are basically saying stop following your own.

"The whole hearing is being conducted to established your present state of mind. I really don't know what your long range goals are but I can tell you how your life before being hospitalized could be an asset to you. First you were a college student. Which shows a commitment to establishing a stable lifestyle. I've heard you are currently unsure if you plan to finish college. That's fine, but it may be to your benefit to state it a different way. Instead of saying you are in doubt toward your future plans perhaps you could set forth a possible set of objectives."
"O.K., I got you. If I'm asked to explain my future objectives, obtaining my degree should be first on the list."
"I'm not here to put words in your mouth, Tim but establishing a set of objectives toward a realistic goal would certainly be in your interest at the hearing. It also wouldn't hurt to acknowledge your illness and explain your plans for continue treatment."

I found his strategy amusing it was the same one I'd been using during the past week. Play their game, tell them what they want to hear, and then do as I damn well please."
"Are you asking me to lie," Mr. Myers.
"Tim, your a bright boy, I think you know what I'm saying. As your attorney it would be criminal for me to advise you to misrepresent the facts. I'm interested in helping you to get a discharge and by presenting the facts in the most positive manner I believe we can achieve this goal."
Richard gave a sly grin as if to say, yeah lie but don't ever say I told you too.
"How much is Marty paying for your consultation fee," I asked.
"Marty originally employed me, but since that time he worked out a deal with your insurance company, well by my fee would be totally absorbed upon your release."
"Woa, Woa, wait your saying you're being paid by the insurance company."
"No, Tim you must have misunderstood. Your insurance company has a vital interest in seeing that you achieve your discharge they therefore have agreed to cover my expenses if I achieve that objective. They are working for your interest as one of their established clients."
"O.K., I think I get the picture. It's all about money."
"It's all about you achieving your objectives. You'll the one who defines what the goals are."
"Well, it sounds like my interest is the same as my insurance. Together we should make a good team."
"All right, Tim I'll see you tomorrow Get a good night sleep, I got a feeling this will be your last night in here."

The hearing room was not stuffy and formal as I had expected. There was basically just a table and chairs. Attending the hearing were, Dr. Miller, Marty, Judge Hoffman, Dr. Miller, Mr. Myers and MS. Maple the attorney for the hospital.

The first order of business was to go over all the legal details of the event. What this party had to prove, in order to achieve this ...and shit like that. Then the Judge (Hoffman) asked if I understood what was to transpire today. I guess this was first hurdle to pass. If I was unable to understand what the proceeding was about then there probably was no need to continue with it. I understood well enough though of the implications of the proceeding and explained my ideas to Judge Hoffman's satisfaction.

The hospital Attorney started a long discourse on why it would be unwise to release me at this time. She went over events previous to my admittance as well as things that had occurred over the past year. Some of this was very painful to listen to. Apparently, I had verbally abused staff and other patients on a regular basis. The attorney described me as boisterous, belligerent and unruly. She stated that other patients requested that I not be allowed to participate in events with the general population. Ms. Maple went on to describe times when I attempted to assault other patient and staff.

I guess she was telling the truth but damn if I could remember any of it. I had never been violent with out provocation before...then I remembered the incident at the bathroom of "Drink and Drown". But that was different I reasoned, I defended myself against what was almost certainly an impending attack. Then it occurred to me that I was most likely doing the same thing in the hospital. I perceived the staff and other patients as potential threats.

Ms. Maple continued with her speech occasional consulting with Dr. Miller to clarify details of particularly damaging testimony. It all sounded grim. Hell, I was beginning to question whether I should be released. Then Mr. Myers lean toward me and whispered, "they got nothing here- all past events...mean nothing"

Judge Hoffman asked if I would like to ask any questions or care to further explain some of the activities that were being described.
"I honestly don't remember any of these events but it sounds uncharacteristic of me. The only thing I can think is at the time I must have considered the people surrounding me as being a potential danger. I no longer feel this way and have no animosity toward any of the staff or patients."
"Very well, Judge Hoffman said, you may precede Ms. Miller."
Ms. Miller began to explain how these actions of mine while currently subdued, could resurface at any time.
"Mr. Hudson has only recently become active with his only recovery. It is simply too early to tell what success this will bring. He has at times showed an irrational suspicion toward the medication he is currently taking and has expressed a desire to discontinue the use of this medication. If he were released from the hospital we fear he would discontinue its use with disastrous results."

"What are your plans if you are released, Tim," Judge Hoffman asked.
I knew this was a time I would have to lie. My real plan would ensure a long incarceration. It was best to tell them what they wanted to hear.
"Well, I said, I certainly would like to continue with any treatment plan that Dr. Miller considers to be advisable. I believe that continuing with my medication is an essential part of the recovery process and I have no plans of discontinuing their use. As for my other plans, I would like to go back to the University and receive my under graduate degree."

I change to sneak a peek in Marty's direction and saw he was attempting to cover his face to hide his amusement at my remarks.
I sounded like Eddie Haskle, from Leave it to Beaver, but except for Marty I think everyone was actually buying it. "No, your honor, I think I've fairly expressed the opinions of this hospital."

"Very well, Mr. Hudson I understand that Mr. Myers will speak on your behave."
"Yes, your honor if it please the court."
Hoffman started to laugh, "this isn't a court, Tim but yes, that would be fine."
If it pleases the court, what an asshole, I couldn't believe I'd actually said that.
Richard started his speech much differently then I had suspected he would.

"These are troubled times. I think we have all become aware of the many changes taking place in our society today. People are searching for spiritualism, individualism, and truth. Many take a misguided course to achieve these goals. Tim's life has been filled with tragedy. Much more then you would expect of someone so young. He has endured much pain. End of a long relationship with his high school sweetheart, witnessing the tragic death of a close personal friend, his own father's death from cancer and the knowledge of his mother's suicide. Through all of this with the help of this fine hospital he has endured. Tim wishes to thank the hospital for their support through his troubling times, but he also feels the time has come to venture back into the world. Tim is a very bright young man with a promising future. He realizes that his goals can not be reached if he remains in this hospital. Tim does not want to turn his back on the support he has received here. He only wishes to continue with his treatment outside the hospital setting. Is this too much to ask?

You have heard of past events that have occurred but that is exactly what they are past. There is nothing that has been said here today that would indicate that Tim is presently a harm to himself or anyone. I asked that Tim be permitted to leave the hospital as he has requested.

"Dr. Miller in your opinion is Mr. Hudson a danger to himself or others assuming he continues with his treatment program."
"I'm sorry, your honor I do not have the answer to that question but since I can not be sure I think a discharge is unwarranted at this time. If Tim continued with his medication and attended counseling there is a strong possibility his recovery would continue. But I am not at all convinced that Tim would continue his treatment program once discharged."
"I would like to thank everyone for their participation in this hearing, Judge Hoffman said. I will now take a few moments to review the record and will render my decision within the next twenty minutes.

Judge Hoffman exited the room leaving the rest of us behind.
"How about we go grab a cup of coffee, my treat? Richard said, directing the question to Marty and I."
"Sounds good Marty said I need to step out of here for a while the air is a bit foul."
There was no one in the snack lounge when we arrived so it gave us the opportunity to discuss the proceeding.
"So, what do you think, Marty asked Mr. Myers."
"How it's an open and shut case just as I suspected it would be. Their case would have been about as strong if they had stated the real reason they wanted to detain Tim....Judge Hoffman, there is still insurance money to be had so to release Tim would be financially unsound for this institution," Richard said in a parody of Ms. Maple.
It was funny but the sad part about it was that was really what it was all about� The money. If there were no insurance I would have been out on the streets long ago, even if I were a danger to myself.

We had barely finished our coffees when an orderly came into the room to tell us the Judge had reached his decision.
After everyone was seated Judge Hoffman spoke in a calm steady voice.
"Whether or not it would be in Mr. Hudson to remain in the hospital, I do not know. However there is nothing that has been presented today to make me believe that he is presently a danger to himself or others. I am therefor granting his request to be discharged from the hospital effective immediately. Mr. Hudson I hope you realize that you have a very serious disease and without continuing your medication in all probability you will be unable to function in society."
"Yes your honor, I said, with the most sincere voice I could muster. I knew it was a blatant lie. I had no plans to continue with any medication. But like so many other times in my life I realize it was best to say I would abide by their rules, and later create my own.

"I think it is very admirable that you wish to finish college and pursue a career. With all the chaos and division in this country it's good to hear that some young people still believe in conventional values. Who should be in psychiatric hospitals and who shouldn't is becoming increasingly difficult to decide but I'm confident that I am making the right choice. Mr. Hudson, I wish you the best in all your future endeavors. You may discharge yourself from the hospital at your convenience," Judge Hoffman said, with a smile.

I had no idea what all the stuff about division and chaos was all about but I knew one thing I was free and I was happy. As I was exiting the conference room I said good -bye to Ms. Miller. "Good luck Tim, I still think you are making a mistake but I wish you well. Before you leave I would like to give you the name of some local psychiatrists that can assist you with your outpatient care.

"Well, you beat it Bro your now certifiably sane. Better then most of us. How long you figure it will take you to pack up your stuff and kiss this place good-bye."
"Hell, Marty I packed everything this morning. Mr. Myers said it was open and shut case so I wanted to be ready. I'd say its Miller time."
"Sounds good my car is out front and there's beer in my fridge. Let's hit the road."

The sun fell warmly upon my face as I exited the hospital and entered my new life. According to the staff I had been outside many times during my stay at the hospital but to my mind, it was the first time I'd felt the sun in over a year.
Marty started to walk toward a BMW convertible.
"Where's the Porche," I asked.
"Boy for someone who can't remember the last year you sure seem to have a good memory. I sold it. It didn't fit with the new gray hairs in my head, besides it was too pretentious."
"What like a BMW isn't," I said.
"Na, a BMW might say you got money but it's not saying you need to prove it. It's one thing to drive around in an expensive car, it's another thing to drive around in an expensive car that is designed to be raced. A Porch is for people who are insecure and need to prove something. BMW's are just well built cars that happen to cost a lot.

I really didn't understand the distinguish, but if Marty was happy it was O.K. with me.
"God, it feels great to feel the fresh air again."
"What it wasn't fresh last time you want out," Marty asked.
"Marty the last time I remember being outside I was on my way to Alaska."
"Your serious, man that is weird. What do you think happen?"
"I don't know I guess I blew a gasket or something. The strange thing is somehow I feel it open a door to something for something...hell I don't know."
"Not you, too?"
"What do you mean?"
"Haven't you heard what's been going on. About a quarter of the people in this country have quit their jobs and formed cults in search of some spiritual enlightenment or some crap, Marty said."
Marty hadn't lost his need for speed as he took the turn I almost ended up in his lap.
"Is that what the lawyer and the Judge were talking about with that division and chaos stuff."
"Yeah, half the country believes in selling off your possessions and waiting for some Second Coming and the other half thinks they're all a much of wackos."
"Well, there's always been cults. Have the numbers increased that dramatically."
"Increased hell, Tim I don't think there is a person in the U.S who isn't in a cult or knows someone who is."
"Are any of the people we know involved?"
"Yeah, I didn't want to tell you before, because I was afraid it would upset you, but Liz and Howard are members of some strange sect. Most of the cults are harmless but there has been some that practice suicides and a few that have even committed mass murder."
"When did all this stuff start?"
"I don't know, I guess a couple of months after you entered the hospital. It's strange it all started to happen at once. The social scientists have different theories on the phenomenon but most believe it has some thing to do with the new millennium. I don't understand it myself after Jonestown, Mansion family, Waco and Heaven Gate you'd think people wouldn't see much future in cults. For some reason though its all the rave. It's sweeping across the country like a wildfire. Some of the Western states are almost entirely made up of cult members. Hell, I'm considering moving from Oregon. I read the other day that over half the population now belongs to one cult or another."
"What are they like religious sects or something?"
"No, this is more strange then the Mormons in Utah or something. Most of the cults have little in common but they all seem to believe that some extraordinary event is about to unfold. Some believe the new millennium is going to single the end of the world. Others believe a New World is about to begin. I tell you its one of the strangest fades I've ever seen sweep the country. I thought disco was the pinnacle of mass madness until this shit."
"Is there some leader behind this or something?"
"No, each cult is a separate entity with its own leaders. Most of the cults swear alliance to their own leader and have mistrust for the leaders of the other groups. All the groups seem to share a mistrust of the government. I'm hoping it all just fades out like so many other things have. Otherwise, I'm sure it will end in the divisions fighting over one absurd thing or another."
"Man this is scary. How many members does each individual group have."
"Some have a few as three or four but a cult like the "Inner Sanctuary" have tens of thousands of members," Marty stated.
"Inner Sanctuary" that sounds harmless enough, I said.
"Yeah, they're one of the least crazies but all these groups are stock pilling weapons for what they say are for "defense purposes."
"Defense against who," I asked.
"Who knows the government? Each other? One thing is for sure with all these weapons it won't be long till someone starts the shooting."
"Damn man, I'm out of it for a year and the whole country goes strange. Well, I know you always thought there were more to things then work and family.
Do you think any of these cults have something going for them? I mean this living like rats in a cage; riding around in vehicles emitting toxic gases that poison the planet we live on, that doesn't sound real sane either. It kind of eats away at people. Don't you think?
"Yeah, maybe but I don't believe in following any leaders, regardless of where they are going. It may sound strange but I also feel something is about to occur."
"It doesn't sound strange to me Marty, I feel something big has already changed."
"Yeah, I guess I can see how you might have that feeling."

Marty swung the "Beemer" into a driveway at better then fifty miles an hour.
"Where home," he declared.
I looked up to see a marvelous mansion nestled in a spacious clearing in the forest. It was one the most beautiful homes I had ever seen.
"You must be kidding," I said.
"Hey, I told you I was doing pretty well for myself."
"Pretty well, I've seldom witness such a grandiose display of wealth in my life."
"Well, your young, Tim come back in a couple of months I'm planning to add an addition. Besides I built it myself that cut down on the cost."
"What from five million to 4.5 mill?"
"Nah, not that high, barely want over a million"
"Are you serious, I asked.
"Let's not talk money. Come on inside your love the view from the back deck."