How sweet a showing of trust... She was going to risk her life alone in the room with me. I thought for a moment, how her placid and collective face would change if I grabbed her head and began to smash her skull against the wall. I really didn't hold an animosity toward her; she was just doing her job. Still, I was curious as to how her expression might change if I did become a raving psycho. I doubted if I would see fear from her, more likely I would see an expression of self-loathing. I think she would be pissed at herself for making such a blatant miscalculation toward my behavior.
"How do you feel about seeing Marty and Amy again", she asked me.
"Great! Why wouldn't I?"
"There is no need to be defensive, I just wanted to hear your feelings."
"I'm not being defensive," I said.
Then I realized that saying you're not defensive to someone stating that you are, is an act of futility. When you tell them you're not defensive, it just further convinces them that you are otherwise why would you need to persuade them that you were not being defensive.
"You seem to have some mixed feelings about their arrival."
"No, really, I don't. I'm looking forward to seeing them."
Dr. Miller was creating the situation she wished to evaluate. She obviously had a preconceived notion that I should have harbored some bad feelings about seeing my family. She had manipulated me into a position where by I was attempting to convince her it wasn't true.
It was a predicament not unlike so many others I had in life. Someone else creates a situation and then evaluates your behavior of the situation. It never occurs to these people that your behavior is altered because you are not happy to be a pawn in their game.
"Tim would you like to have a Xanax before your brother and sister arrive."
"God, no. Why should I need a tranquilizer to see my own family."
I wasn't so naive that I didn't realize tranquilizers were probably being ingested more at family gatherings then any other time. But hey that was those people problem I didn't need to be numb to see my family.
"I'm not saying you need one but it might help you to relax."
"I am relaxed or at least I was before this conversation."
"Why are you upset," Tim.
"I'm not!"
She was up to her old tricks again. She had created a situation and was evaluating my behavior by it. All I wanted was not to be a part of a situation she contrived. It was frustrating and pointless to try and argue with her circular reasoning. So I decided to appease her in order to end the conversation.
"Maybe your right Dr. Miller I guess I'm a little nervous about seeing my family. It has been a long time. I'm sorry for being argumentative."
"That's all right Tim, it's perfectly understandable. Are you sure you don't want a mild tranquilizer to calm your nerves."
"No, that won't be necessary but thank you, I said.
"Well all right then, Dr. Miller said with a smile. Your brother and sister are most likely in the waiting room, she said, glancing at her watch. I'll go and see."
As she left the room I breathed a sigh of relief. She had really been getting on my nerves. I didn't like having to perform for people but I knew there was no other way if I ever hoped to get out of this loony bin.
Marty and Amy walked in the room with Dr. Miller .
"I'm sure you all have a lot to catch up on so I'll give you the privacy to do so. I'll be in my office if you should need anything."
Marty and Amy were now in the room alone with me. They both had big grins on their faces. Marty seemed to be genuinely happy, but Amy's smile seemed to be masking apprehension and concern.
"Well, you sure look a lot better then the last time I saw you, Amy said. How are you doing?"
"I can't really say how I've been but I feel fine now. How the hell are you two?"
Amy began to cry and laugh simultaneously. "I've been so worried about you, Tim. I was afraid you would never come back to us."
Amy then rapped her arms around me and gave me a smothering hug. I glanced over at Marty and he too was watery eyed.
"I'm sorry for putting you both through all this, if I could have avoided it I would."
"We know, Amy said sobering, we're just happy to have you back."
"I'm glad to be back I only wish I knew where I'd been."
"Well, I'll tell you this where ever it was I'm not so sure you wanted to leave," Marty said.
"Why do you say that," I asked.
"The last time I was here you kept screaming, "No, No please don't make be go back."
"That's weird, I wonder what I was thinking."
"Let's, not talk about that shit, lets just be happy that we are together now."
Even though the subjects interested me, Amy seemed to be very upset so I didn't pursue the topic.
"So what have you all been up to, I asked."
"Same old, Dad and Mom's death kind through me for a loop for a while but I've worked through it, Marty said. Oh shit, I'm sorry you already knew about that, didn't you?"
"Don't sweat it Marty, I knew. The doctor thought she was breaking the news to me too, but I remembered it from before."
"You remembered? You mean you remember everything from before they brought you here? Amy asked."
"No, that's about it. I remember everything up to the point of the breakdown...or whatever you want to call it but nothing from then on. Until yesterday that is... Over a year out of my life and no recollection of anything, weird isn't it?"
"It's probably better that you don't remember but yeah it's strange all right," Marty declared.
As I looked into Marty's eyes I saw a great deal of inner pain. I think he was laying about being over our parent's deaths. Also, it looked like he'd been partying a lot, either that or not sleeping well.
"Your Doctor seemed nice. How are you getting along with her?" Amy said in an obvious attempt to change the subject
"She's O.K., I guess a little rigid but all right."
"Yeah, how do you know she's frigid, Marty said laughing."
"That's rigid Marty, " I said even though I knew he was just joking. I was playing my part in a scene he'd created but at least it was an amusing one.
"Do you think she is helping you any?" Amy asked me, completely ignoring Marty's comment.
"Helping me with what?",br>
"Well, Tim, I agree you seem better now but you were way out there the last time I saw you. I mean something had to have gone wrong."
"Dr. Miller said I am suffering from paranoid-schizophrenia but I think it's a load of shit."
"Why are you so quick to dismiss her diagnosis? Can you explain what happen to you?"
"No but why do we have to assume someone has a disease just because they get off the established path for awhile. It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. In fact in my case I think it was more of a cleansing experience."
"Cleansing experience, Amy repeated smugly. You do realize that if others didn't come to your rescue during this period you would be dead right now."
"Not necessarily but I do appreciate everyone's help especially yours and Marty's. But I still feel cleansed, sorry."
"Well, I guess you just mean you feel better and you seem better," Amy said with a smile.
"So I heard Bill, Tina and Bryan made it to Alaska. Any exciting stories to the adventure."
"Gee, Marty said, that's been awhile but I guess not for you...It was more challenging then they thought. Many of the roads were unpaved and heavy rains made it impossible for them to ride for awhile. When they finally did get there the deadline for getting the job had passed. They ended up camping out for three weeks and then coming back. I guess that's when Bryan and Tina feel in love. You heard about that right?"
"Yeah, I heard it still seems strange to be though."
"The two shit's deserve each other," Amy angrily interjected.
"Why are you pissed at them," I asked.
"Ah she just upset because she lost the rent money when Tina moved out to live with Bryan.
As I looked at Amy I realized that it was possibly much more then that. She looked like someone with a broken heart. This was the first time I suspected that her and Tina may have been something more then friends.
"How about Bill, what's the deal there? I heard he's some kind of stock broker or something."
"Yeah, a fucking investment banker on Wall Street can you believe that shit. He has become a fucking Yuppie if I've ever seen one. He doesn't even associate with the likes of us anymore," Marty said.
"How the hell did that happen?"
"His old man got him some job selling bonds and he took to it like a fish to water. Well, you know he always was a natural born bullshitter. He deals mostly with corporations now; investing their obscene profits in enterprises designed to generate more wealth. He also assists with hostile takeovers. What a life, hey?"
"It doesn't sound like the life for me but to each his own I say."
"Well, it might sound like the life for you if you knew what Bill is pulling in now."
"Why how much?"
"Over two mill a year, weird shit ugh," Marty said with an obvious degree of jealously.
"Definitely some outrageous bucks but I still wouldn't want it."
"Yeah, I'll bet," Marty said.
"What's the story on him not keeping in contact with you all," I asked.
"Oh, he's always got some excuse for why he can't get away. Way to busy shit like that but he always finds time for his jet set lifestyle. He didn't even show up at Bryan's and Tina's weeding, arrogant jerk. Plus, he never even asked me how you were doing."
"Yeah, I saw her and that Howard guy at Bryan's weeding. She asked how you were doing. She seemed to be genuinely concern. It looks like Howard and her had been hitting the drugs pretty strong. In fact they even tried to sell me some Coke at the weeding."
"Does she have a career? What she up to?"
"She had a management position in some office but was fired. Probably found out about her drug use. Anyway,now she's back to being a waitress. Only part time too, I think their main source of income is selling drugs, Marty declared."
"So how long does Dr. Miller think you need to stay here," Amy asked.
"She hasn't said but I don't think she plans to release me any time soon. I really want to get out of here too. I think, I would feel much better away from this place."
"So why don't you leave," Marty asked.
"I don't think they'll just let me walk out Marty."
"They don't have a choice you're a volunteer patient."
"For real? You mean I can just leave any time I want."
"Well, I think you have to give them some notice but basically yeah."
"That's not a good idea Tim, Amy sternly warned. Listen to your Doctor, she will know when it is time for you to leave."
"I'll have to think about it but getting out sure sounds good."
"Tim, it sounds like you got a serious condition. You should concentrate on getting well, not out. Aren't you on medication? Amy asked.
"Yea, I am but that's the first thing I plan to discontinue when I get out."
"The way you're talking now, I think they got you right where you belong, Amy said obviously becoming more upset.
"I just don't believe numbing your mind is a solution to solving your problems."
"Funny, you always did before."
"What do you mean," I asked.
"Well, what do you think abusing drugs and alcohol is?"
"I was never using drugs to solve my problems, maybe ignore them, but not solve them."
"Those were drugs, this is medication. What is the big difference," Amy said.
"The only difference is who you're buying them from."
"Hey, guys let it go. We didn't come here to argue," Marty intervened.
"Your right," Amy said. I'm sorry Tim, I just want everything to get better so we can be a family again."
"No, problem Amy, I know you're just concern. So, where are you living nowadays, anyway? Do you still have the farm house."
"No when Tina moved out I wasn't able to keep up with the payment. Deb and I, she is my new roommate, are renting a small place in Vermont now."
"Vermont, geez the family really is spread out across the country, now. What are you doing for money?"
"Well it may sound like a cliché but I'm selling home grown Vermont Maple syrup."
"That sounds cool. Is there much money in it?"
"Actually, it's not bad. We're lucky enough to sell to a local store in town that's big with the tourist market."
"That sounds really good. It sure as hell beats the 9 to 5 grind."
"Yeah, and the area I live in is beautiful, it's a quiet little town where everyone is extremely independent and respect each others privacy. I love it."
"Well, I glad your happy. It sounds like the kind of place I'm looking for away from the congestion and hassles of big city life. How about you Marty, I hear your still living here in Oregon. How is the job going? Are you still in the contracting business?"
"Right, contracting, if you can call it that. I don't even deal with the actual building part anymore I 'm to busy with paperwork. The business has really taken off, we deal mainly with commercial contracts now."
"Well it sound like you're racking it in, I said. Maybe you're be rivaling Bill soon."
"I don't know about all that but yeah I'm doing all right for myself," Marty said. The more the company expands though the more headaches I get. I've even considered selling out my percentage in the business and retiring to the easy life."
"Wow, have you really made enough that you would be able to do that."
"Probably, but I'll tell you Tim it's true what they say money doesn't buy happiness. It just brings more stress."
"Well, maybe you should take some time off and enjoy the bucks for awhile."
"Yeah, I know I should but I'm afraid to leave the business to my colleagues. I would hate to see all that I've work for go to shit. It's like having an unruly child. It's usually one big pain in the ass but you can't just walk away from it. I want to see the business through to it's potential but it's killing me in the process."
"Take some time off. You'll feel better."
"Well, maybe but its like a drug. I think I'm addicted."
"I know you're addicted, Amy said, typical business tycoon." Great at making money but clueless on how to enjoy it."
"How about you Tim, what your plans when you get out. Are you going to finish college?"
"No, I don't think so. I'm tired of formal education there is much more to learn on the open road."
"So that's your goal," Amy asked, to become a vagabond?"
"Yeah, something like that, I said."
"Unbelievable, Amy exclaimed.
"It sounds good to me," Marty said.
"You would say that, Amy said frowning at Marty.
"Sure why not, he's right. Careers are just something we do so we don't have to examine our own lives. In fact if your serious about traveling around for awhile, Tim, I'll bankroll the trip for you."
"No, Marty I wouldn't want you to do that."
"Why not? It would be the smartest thing I've done with my money in a long time. I only wish I had the balls to join you but hey, I can live vicariously through tales of your adventures."
"Well we'll see Marty. First I need to work on getting out of this place."
"I think you should get out as soon as possible. Why don't you tell "Dr. Rigid" that you want to leave."
"I'm probably going to but I think I'll play it cool for a couple days and then spring the news on her."
"Great!" Marty said.
"I can't believe your trying to talk him into this. You're a real asshole Marty, Amy said in a voice of rage.
"What you want him to do, Amy? Sit around in here and become a fucking zombie."
"No, I want him to become well. I'm sorry, Tim but you were not in your right mind before. There is a good reason you're in here."
"Hey Amy I'll be the first to admit I want off the deep end but I'm O.K. now. What's the point of trying to figure out why it happens? Besides it's not like any Doctor is ever going to be able to tell me anyhow. We're all screwed up in the head one way or the other and there ain't nothing anyone can do about it."
"Yeah, Tim we all have our problems but not everyone is delusional."
"That's your opinion, I said. For all you know all this is an illusion and my so called breakdown was actualy a higher state of consciousness."
"Higher state of consciousness, right. Tim stay in here and get the help you need," Amy said.
"Who knows Amy you might be right but I got to do what's right for me."
"Well, I hope you find what's your looking for what ever it is. Regardless, of what you do your still my brother and I love you," Amy said.
I had always wanted to hear those words from my parents but when Amy said them I realized we had never before even said them to each other.
"I love you both to and I'm sorry for putting you through all this shit. I know it must have been rough between what happen to Dad and Mom...and then this shit with me."
"Shit happens," Marty said. Life is always a mess; the best you can do is enjoy the good and ignore the rest."
"Where you get that one, Marty a fortune cookie," Amy asked.
"Quit busting my balls Sis, this is all the family you got left."
Amy started laughing. "I never thought of it that way, pretty scary isn't it."
A nurse, I never seen before, entered the room and told us that visiting hour was over in five minutes.
"I hope that the next time I see you, Amy said, it will be to discuss your plans on finishing college and finding a career."
"Well, I don't care what we talk about I just hope the conversation will be miles away from this nut farm."
"Hang in there brother, Marty said.
"I'll call you soon, Amy said.
Then they were gone and I was alone again, just me and my head. But the funny thing is I felt pretty good. Despite everything things seemed right, somehow. I had never made it to Alaska but in a way I had traveled further then any trip could ever take you.
For the next several days I behaved like the perfect mental patient. I spent many long hours discussing my childhood and life with Dr. Miller. I express a strong desire to understand my disease better and work on getting well. I told Dr. Miller that I would willingly follow any treatment plan she recommends. She seemed very pleased with me but still did not discuss the possibility of my release.
Finally after about a week I told Dr. Miller that I was interested in continuing my treatment as an outpatient. She listened to me patiently but told me she considered it to soon to leave the hospital. I asked her what time frame she considered reasonable.
"Tim at this juncture its just to early to tell. You've made remarkable progress, but you have to remember you've been with us over a year. It's only in the last week or so that I've been able to work with you on your treatment. I really haven't had an opportunity to sufficiently evaluate you."
"I am willing to continue with my treatment, I just wish to do so as an out patient."
"Tim, I'm sorry but at this time I just don't think that is possible."
"Well, it's my understanding that I am here voluntarily and therefore it's my choice if I decide to leave."
"Technically, that's true but if you are giving notice that you wish to leave at this time, I would have no choice but to request a commitment hearing. Now, you don't want that... do you?"
When I heard her replay I realized that I was more of a prisoner then a patient.
"Your right Dr. Miller I don't want to be committed."
(Continued on Delta XVIIII)
