Okay, what I want to know is: are there Snurgs in The Holy City? By this I refer not to Huntsville, Alabama, nor Charleston, SC but the City of Paskaskatoon, in the Province of Sasquatchewan, in mighty Canada. I tried to ask my friend John about this since he is from Canada, but he just said he was "tired of all my bullshit" and kicked me out of his room. I do not understand why people do things like this. He kicked me out of his room yesterday also, for insinuating that there were millions of miniature mountain goats, each about one inch high all over everything in his room and trying to catch them in the net that I had brought with me (which was actually mostly futile, as they kept squirming away through the holes in the net. Not the Internet, which is another animal altogether. I have not yet decided whether or not it is a Snurg.). I suppose I can see his point, as trying to catch mountain goats in a net is really sort of futile, and he had a 5000 page biology paper to do, but if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, as I always say.

So I walked through the snow on my way back to Africa or Harvard Square or whatever you call it, when I was accosted by a small brown man in a loincloth, who would not leave me alone with my thoughts unless I bought some of the dung which he was carrying in a large sack. I agreed that it would be very useful as fuel, but I already had central heating in my apartment etc, but he kept sticking handfuls of the dung in my face and insisting that it was "good wholesome dung" and wanting me to taste it, etc. Needless to say, I was quite a bit offended, especially when he tried to wipe it on my face and make "authentic tribal markings" as he put it. So I took his liver and called it even. I have much better use for the still-beating livers of humans than for a big sack of Snurg dung, I can tell you this.

Then when I got to Adams, there was a man with nine legs in my hall. I told him he was a Jehova's Witness, and could thus safely ignore him, but he did get me to thinking about things with nine legs, and their relation to the Divinity. Did you know that there are thousands of frogs born in Sasquatchewan every year with a bizarre mutation that gives them eight or nine extra pairs of legs? The purveyors of frog's legs in the area are very pleased, but the frogs are not, as all those extra legs are completely inert and get in the way while hopping. Now why in the name of Jesus would this monstrosity come to pass? It certainly is not evolutionarily sound. I can only guess that it is some kinds of Biblical prophecy, and as we turn to the Book of Revelations, we find the following: And I beheld the beast, and it had seven heads, and eight horns, and NINE LEGS (emphasis mine). Oh dear. If the Beast has come to Paskasketoon, those unholy creeping Snurgs won't be soon after. So therefore any of you who may live in Paskasketaskratchetoon, or commute there for business or to visit relatives or perform unholy rites, please let me know if you have seen any: Snurgs, Gleefs, Prairie Squids, Floating Eyes, Servitors, Zoogs, Gnoph-kehs (!), Gibbering Mouthers, Flumphs, Frogs with eleven legs, Men without Noses, Brain Leeches, or Nuckleavees. It would be greatly appreciated. And to all those soon departing for the Sasquatchewan area, I would be willing to pay for part of your gas bill and show you the alien landing site, if you could give me a ride up there when you depart. And to any those bored youths or wilders or grumps who possess a car and know what Bokonon says about strange travel suggestions, you will not regret going up there for a few days. There's Things up there that would blow your mind and have sex with the skull cavity. Replies by private email will be whiffread, and the most qualified applicant will be chosen. Amen.

-Daedalus Damocletian QPM -- 1