If the big bang ever actually happened, it must have been some time today, because I can't for the life of me remember anything ever happening before about 3 o'clock this afternoon. I think this is when the beginning of time was. Also I found another duck in the washroom and the doors and windows were all closed and no one had been in there except me, so it must be from Atlantis, no? Do you think Atlantis existed before there was time, and were there giraffes there? I seem to remember seeing a giraffe at some point in my lifetime and having it lick my face with its long rough purple tongue and tell me that despite my protestations it was NOT a dog, thank you, and I was about 2 feet tall. I can't remember ever being two feet tall at any time since the Big Bang, so I guess there must have been giraffes in Atlantis. I think probably the old Atlanteans rode around on them from place to place, tipping their silver hats to one another as they passed in the gloaming...

Further evidence that the big bang happened at three o'clock this afternoon:

The first bit is a little complex, and I will have to begin with dinosaurs. Recent evidence has led to the acceptance of a new paleontological theory that suggests that the dinosaurs were in fact wiped out by a nuclear holocaust at the climax of a great civilization of winged sapient dinosaurs whose bones have recently surfaced. These are the same saurians which have been the subjects of numerous sightings by po'buckers in Alabama etc of extraterrestrials (supposedly) with a reptilian appearance and wings, which appear in large red ships in the sky and seem to be malevolent. At first they were thought to be from another planet, but since this recent paleontological discovery, the prevailing viewpoint is that they are time-travellers from earth's past. I think they are both. I think that way back in the Cretacous period of the Mesozoic era, a few of the more enlightened of the Sapientosaurs escaped from the planet in secret just before the holocaust. They then colonized other planets et cetera, but more importantly around teatime today they must have come by the trailer park where I live because I found a bug under our trailer which has way more legs than a bug could possibly have, and what else could have caused this bug than aliens? Now you may say, that's all very well and good, but they could have been grays, the CIA or any number of other groups of aliens. And that's true, but my uncle Jed's chickens were making peculiar sounds today too, and I went in to look at them and all of a sudden they've got little yellow eyes with square pupils, not like any chickens I ever noticed before, and I realized just as dinosaurs eventually evolved into birds after the cataclysm, so must have Sapientosaurus evolved into chickens! So there's no WAY that bug could have come from any other kind of aliens, because CHICKENS EAT BUGS! THAT'S THEIR FOOD! Why else would an alien have put a bug like that under my trailer? To watch Geraldo with? Yeah, so anyway, these time travelling dinosauroid reptilians with wings (check their legs if you don't believe me about the dinosaurs) left their civilization on Mesozoic earth in their spaceships some hundreds of millions of years ago for Rigel or Sirius or some place like that, and the only way they could get to my uncle's backyard from there would be through some kind of space-time portal or wormhole. If they travelled through space directly they couldn't go any faster than the speed of light and would have to take about forty million years for each trip. This is just not practical for a simple recon mission involving posing as chickens. Now everybody knows that all spacetime warp systems create a whole new subjective splinter universe for the benefit of the traveller when they are used, this being the only way to avoid time paradoxes.

Therefore, since the aliens WERE THERE, and probably are still if you want to go check, and the only way they could have got there was to create a splinter universe, then this universe in which we live must BE such a universe. And since the Sapientosaurs arrived here around three, that must be when the Big Bang was. QED.

The second bit is less complicated. On front of the computer I am using, it says "AD003". This is clearly a reference that the current Christian Era (Anno Domini) began at 3:00 this afternoon. Now ask any good Christian, and he will tell you that Christ has reigned over All Things far longer than 1996 years, in fact one may even say he has done it since the Beginning Of Time. Since the Big Bang began all Time, and the Beginning of Time happened at 3:00, we can clearly see that the Big Bang happened at 3:00 PM this afternoon.

All praises be to the Glory of Science!

Daedalus Damocletian QPM

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