Dramatis Personae
Chris Betteman – A poor, 30-ish man who can’t seem to hold a steady job. He is trusting and idealistic, which means he is constantly being taken advantage of.
May Betteman – Chris’s wife, about the same age. She isn’t quite as trusting as he is.
George Anderson – He is in his late forties, is balding and is generally a disagreeable character to be around.
Gladys Anderson – In her forties. She is a nagging shrew.
Saleman – A pushy swindler who can never seem to make a deal. He thinks maybe his luck will change with Chris and May, however.
Shellys #1 and 2 – Obviously not related to the Bettemans: con artists, quick at lying, but not quite quick enough. I think it would be best if they are short and the Bettemans aren’t, to further distinguish them, or color could be different, and so on.
Homeless Man – He just wants a bite to eat. Bearded if at all possible, wearing rags. An honest guy, who doesn’t care if anybody’s won a million dollars.
Protestor – ‘Money is evil.’ Yeah, right. Sounds like a Sunday-morning TV evangelist.
Solicitor – Another swindler. It is imperative
that this actor be different from the Salesman. They have
to be two different people.
Other Characters:
Nun, T.V. Announcer, crowd of people.
Note:
Because of the large nature of this cast, it may be convenient to have an actor do multiple parts, which by all means is encouraged, but putting an actor who plays two roles back to back together just won’t work, the audience may not be able to tell the two rolls apart. Also, in the second-to-last scene, people who have already had different roles can be in the large crowd, since it will require a lot of people.
Stage Description
The stage should be set in a matter that the Betteman house occupies the majority of the stage, with a small section for the outside of the house – this is required for when Chris goes outside. This is a general diagram of how I envision the stage:
Of course, the ultimate decision of stage layout is made by the director, but this is what I had in mind when I was writing the play.
Properties List
Scene 1
Pots and Pans, Toaster, Plates, Forks, etc.
Scene 2
Newspaper, ticket, briefcase, encyclopedia, potted plant, paper and pen.
Scene 3
Ticket, cooking things on counter.
Scene 5
Ticket, paper, T.V.
Scene 6
Dinner
(A somewhat run-down house of the lower-middle class. The time is modern times, shortly after the working hours. May Betteman, devoted housewife and worrier, sits in her chair, waiting for her husband Chris to come home. She fidgets nervously in her seat)
Hi, may! I'm home!
How was your day, darling? (She kisses him)
Terrible, as usual. Mr. Peterson yelled at me again.
What for?
Well, it seems that one of the customers complained when I asked if I could have their spare change.
You'd think he’d understand how down in the dumps we are.
Well, he said if I do it again I’m fired. But enough about how terrible my day was tell me how great yours went.
Why would my day be any better than yours?
It’s God’s way of making up for things. For every person that has a dreadful day, another person has to have a wonderful day.
Well, like he said, the collector came by and took our radio and stereo, along with a few of our other things. He left the TV, though. (With high spirits) But they are just things.
Yeah, well I’m tired of going into debt. And I’m sick of being poor. It seems a couple of college graduates should have a better life than this!
But there’s nothing we can do. (Sighs)
The Hell there isn’t! From this day forward, starting right now, I’m gonna change our lives!
If you think that will help–
Of course I do! I’ll be back in a while. (He leaves)
Oh, no, we’re out of eggs.
Here goes nothing.
What?!
Sorry to bother you, Mrs. Ander—
For your information, I was watching Jeopardy when you so rudely interrupted. Now what do you want?!
Well, I need an egg or two—
An egg or two?! what do you think we are, a charity? We can’t go around giving donations to every set of poor folk in this here town!
Well, I only need one or two eggs—
If that Chris of yours was able to hold on to a job—
I hardly think you should try to drag Chris into this, all I did was ask—
I’d give an egg or two to you if you’d work for it!
But if we worked up to your expectations, we’d have plenty of money and wouldn’t need to borrow any eggs!
Well, until that day comes, don’t come calling! (She slams the door)
No butter. (Sighs) Gourmet toast.
Cooking dinner?
Toast-avec-rien, as usual.
Well, you needn’t worry anymore. I just solved all of our financial problems.
Did you apply for a new job?
No, I got a lottery ticket!
You what?
I got a lottery ticket.
A lottery ticket.
I was at the gas station, filling out one of their job applications—
So you did apply for a job, then?
Let me finish, May. I was filling out the application when I saw a rack of lottery tickets. I thought, "Gee, we’ve had such bad luck, one of these babies is bound to pay off."
We haven’t hit rock bottom. We could get struck by lighting. Which is 38 times more likely than winning the lottery! And knowing your luck, you could go outside and get hit 38 times in a row before you won the lottery! (Short pause) But you did get apply for the job, right?
No, he said people employed or involved with the gas station in any way, including prospective employees, couldn’t win.
I can’t believe you’re so sure of yourself, Chris!
It is just one ticket. And think of how fortunate we’d be to win! Twenty-four million dollars! And if my usual luck hits and we don’t win, I’ll never buy another lottery ticket again, okay?
Okay. I guess takings risks is a part of life.
Now come on. Let’s eat dinner.
CHRIS?
Yeah?
How are we going to know if we won? We don’t get a paper.
I’ll find a way, I guess.
CHRIS?
I got the paper!
How? We don’t have a subscr— Chris! You didn’t!
I’ll return it to the Andersons after I check to see if we won. Get the ticket, and read off the numbers to me.
3…
Okay…
2…
Yes…
3…
Okay… you can read the number a little faster than that, honey…
1, 2, 4, 5…
Yes…
7… 9…
Yes…
Betteman!
Yes, George?
Where is my paper?
It’s right here. I’m really sorry, George. I just borrowed it to check my lottery numbers, you see, the collectors took—
I’m not your therapist! Of course if you waste what little money you have you’re going to get things repossessed. Now give me my paper—
MAY, what are the last two numbers on the ticket?
Eight and six.
Eight and six?
Eight and six.
Oh my god.
We didn’t win? Well I told you last night not to get your hopes up—
No… We won! We actually won it! Every number is exact! We won the jackpot!
What?
We won the lottery! Twenty-four million follars! We won it all!
Calm down, you poor fool! Now what are you talking about?
I borrowed your paper—
Borrowed? You outright stole!
—to check my lottery ticket and it was a winner!
You… you won?
Twenty-four million dollars! Twenty-four million dollars!
Well… I can’t recall how… many times I’ve told you that your fortune would change! It’s great that your luck is looking up, old buddy!
I don’t recall ever-
I tell you what, old buddy. Let’s have a dinner in your honor. Say around five o’clock? I’ll bring over Gladys and May can make a meal fit for a king! I wouldn’t miss it for the world! (He leaves)
Wow, his mood certainly has improved.
Yeah, he sure has. He even forgot about the paper. I knew somewhere deep, deep inside that man was a heart of gold.
Somewhere really deep inside.
Well, I’d better go claim our prize, huh?
I’ll see you in a while, honey.
Hello—
CHRIS? Chris Betteman? Can I call you Chris?
Yeah, I guess that’s fi—
That’s great, Chris! The name’s Don, Don Orson (they shake quickly), salesman extraordinaire… and boy do I have a deal for you.
A deal?
Why hello there, pretty lady.
Hi—
Now then, Chris, I have here in my briefcase something that you desperately need!
Desperately? But—
Yes, desperately. Right here I have an entirety of human knowledge. I have here the Gibson Encyclopedia Series.
You can fit an entire series of encyclopedias in your bag? That’s—
Please don’t interrupt me, Mrs. Betteman. Now, I have here Volume 1 – that’s ‘Aardvark’ through ‘Azure’ – of the Gibson Encyclopedia Series. Imagine – have you ever wondered the gestation period of the female Aardvark?
Do… do male aardvarks have a gestation period?
Just one of the many things you can find out! But have you ever wondered about that bit of knowledge?
No, not rea—
How about Antarctica? Have you ever wondered about Antarctica?
Ant- Antarctica?
Yes! Antarctica! Have you ever wondered how cold it’s gotten there?
No…
A tough customer, eh? How about if I go get volume ‘I’?
Well he certainly is an interesting character.
It’s strange… we’ve never had encyclopedia salesmen before.
Word must’ve spread pretty quickly about us winning the lottery.
‘I’ for ‘investing’… Now, Chris, have you ever thought about investing your money?
No, when you grease fries all day, you don’t think much about investing.
Well, you are in luck, my friend, I brought volume ‘D’ for ‘deep-fat frying!’ think about how your cooking skills could improve!
Well, there isn’t much technique… you just dunk the fries…
Do you have any children, then? These are great for when little Johnny or Suzy has to write a research paper.
No, no children.
Then you really don’t need any encyclopedias, huh?
Nope.
I see… look out!
Oh, no! Look at this mess!
How did this happen?
The wind must’ve blown it over!
But the windows aren’t open…
It must really be windy out there! So windy that the wind is getting into the house! Did I mention I sell aluminum siding too? But we’ll get back to that. How are you going to clean up this mess?
With our vacuum cleaner?
You could… but I have a better idea! Presenting the Vacu-Rama! It’s been scientifically designed to clean carpets – and bare floors – without damaging expensive carpet fibers!
We don’t have expensive carpet fibers, we live here !
Why not move? Did I mention I’m also a certified real-estate agent?
Excuse me… gotta get the door.
Do you own a security system? You never know what kind of weirdoes appear at peoples’ doors!
Tell me about it.
Yes… Can I help you?
Dad?
Uh, no. Do you have the right door?
Yes! Don’t you even recognize your long-lost daughter?
Daughter? Then you do have children! You’ll be needing those encyclopedias after all!
You deny you even have a daughter! I can’t believe this! (she fakes some crying)
But we don’t have a daughter.
Yes, I think I’d remember giving birth to somebody.
Of course you don’t remember giving birth to me… I’m adopted!
We’ve never tried to adopt anybody. We don’t want kids… we’re too poor!
Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say daughter?
Yes…
I’m your brother’s daughter, Uncle Chris. I’m your long-lost niece!
My encyclopedias have advice about ‘catching up’ with estanged relatives.
I don’t have any brothers.
Oops, I made another mistake. I’m Aunt May’s niece, her brother’s daughter.
I really doubt that.
Well, I look a lot like his wife, not him—
My only brother is twenty years old, so unless you’re a lot younger than you look…
Hey, isn’t that strange? Oh, my, it’s so hot outside. Mind if I sit down?
Sure, as long as there are seats.
If you run out, I’ve got more in the back of my car, and they’re cheap!
Now who could that be?
Hello, there.
Hi, there, Sister. How can I help you?
Well, I’m collecting for your church, the, uh… (pause)
Third Street Chruch.
Right. Sorry, my memory’s a bit shot. Anyway, I just heard of your good fortune and was wondering if you’d care to make a donation.
We would, but we don’t have any money yet. I haven’t even been able to collect my prize yet, what with all the—
What?
Huh?!
You don’t have any money?
Well… not yet.
What?
Well, I’ll be seeing you later…
Yeah… I gotta catch up with some of my other relatives in this town…
That’s funny, we don’t have any relatives living here in town.
Must’ve been on your brother’s wife’s side.
My brother isn’t married.
Hm… maybe he adopted her. At least we’ve finally gotten some peace and quiet, huh?
I guees now you can go cash that ticket it.
Oh, yeah, what with all that commotion—
Don’t answer it!
It’s a sad day when nobody opens the door for fear of having to entertain guests, May.
Do you realize what SINS you have committed?
By opening the door?
No! By winning that EVIL lottery! Money is the root of all evil in this world… the more you have, the more evil you are!
Then we must have been saints until we won the lottery, huh?
You are evil…. but I can offer you a suggestion to improve your sinful ways…
Constant prayer?
No! Get rid of all of your money!
But 24 million dollars is a lot of money to get rid of. I wouldn’t know what charity to give it all to.
You are in luck, my wayside friend. I have a solution to your problem! Give the money to me.
But… but you just said all money is evil!
I won’t take it for myself, of course. I will evenly distribute it among several charities.
But wouldn’t that make the charities evil?
No, but they even out the evil of money, making it safe for the rest of the world.
Could you give me an example of such a charity?
Yes… an example… of course… okay! The Left-Handed Quadriplegics Fund!
Left-Handed Quadriplegics?
Yes!
But wouldn’t that make those people… Triplegics… or something?
No! You see, that is why the fund was started. They aren’t… uh… ‘plegic’ enough to get full government support!
But if they were quadriplegics they wouldn’t have any arms, would they?
These poor children are both under-funded and misunderstood!
What city is this charity based out of?
Right out of our own home town!
And who is the director of this charity?
Uh… that would be me.
Thank you sir, but we don’t even have the money yet, so—
You don’t?
No… Isn’t that great? We aren’t sinful, yet!
Oh, how those poor right-handed children will suffer!
I thought they were left-handed.
Whatever.
At least our souls are saved, right?
Whatever.
He sure did change his tune quickly.
I don’t think he was a charity collector.
Really?
I think he may have just been trying to get at our money, Chris.
No, I believe he was truly trying to help people. (he looks at the clock) oh, my, look at the time!
It’s almost noon!
We have to get ready for dinner with the Andersons!
Don’t you want to cash that ticket in?
We have to get the house in order for our company, the ticket can wait.
So I’ll start dinner…
I need to work on the yard…
Wait! We need some things from the store.
Okay, I’ll go get them.
Goodbye! Love you!
‘Bye.
CHRIS, what’s going on out there?
I could barely make it to the store – there are dozens of people out there! They followed me everywhere!
Word about our good fortune is spreading, I guess.
What I don’t understand is why everybody is paying attention to us only when we have money.
It’s five, that must be the Andersons.
MAY! So lovely to see you again! Are you enjoying your newfound fortune?
Well, uh—
That’s great!
Hello, George, hello Gladys. Come in, won’t you?
Gladys, aren’t you going to come in?
I’m working to get up the strength.
The strength?
Yes, the poor woman is anemic. She’s constantly in a state of weakness.
Well, she was awfully strong last night.
It comes and goes. Sometimes she can’t even move. Really dangerous when she’s driving.
Okay! (she walks into the room and collapses on the couch)
Isn’t there anything you can do about it?
Well… there is the surgery. But it’s kind of expensive.
Well, how much does it cost?
24 million dollars.
Well, what a coincidence! How much do you have saved up? With our money, we can make up the difference!
Well, because of high taxes… and my medication costs a lot… so we don’t have any money saved up.
So you need all 24 million?
If it isn’t too much trouble.
Of course not! ‘Love thy next-door neighbor!’, as they say.
Strange that your surgery should cost exactly 24 million dollars.
Yeah, it’s like fate handed us a free— er, the money to save Gladys’ life.
Do they sew her back up with diamonds or something?
Yeah… something like that… there are plenty of expenses, fluids, drugs, —
Golden hypodermic needles—
—water, and so forth. You know how elusive doctors can be.
Or how elusive neighbors can be.
We’d love to help you, George.
CHRIS… can I talk to you over here for a second?
Okay, May…
I don’t really think Gladys is sick.
Why not?
Well, regardless of what they say, she was fine last night when she yelled at me for asking for an egg—
MAY, these are hard times. We should know that. The Andersons probably didn’t have any eggs to spare.
Okay, then, isn’t it strange that here surgery costs 24 million dollars, and then lo and behold when we win that exact amount of money is when they tell us about her ‘anemia?’
MAY, surgery is expensive.
That’s another thing. She’s getting surgery for anemia?
So?…
CHRIS, Anemia is a blood disease! What’re they going to do, transfuse all of her blood?
MAY, the Andersons are good, honest people. If they need financial help, and we’re fortunate enough to get a break like this, it’s our God-given duty to help those in need.
MAY, the world is getting a sorrier and sorrier state of affairs when people don’t want to help out other people. It’s bad enough that doctors, like Gladys and George’s, charge so much. But if we can help them, even if that means we have to give up everything that would’ve changed our lives, I think we should.
Obviously they’re aware of their luck. They may need a situation like this, have their luck come down to our level, to appreciate what we’ve been through. We can’t assume that everybody out there is greedy, searching for easy money. I think there are good people, and I think the Andersons are just those type of people.
Well, if you think they really can be trusted…
I do. Just think of the bright looks on their faces when we give them that money.
Do you see it anywhere, Gladys?
No!
Look harder! It looks like our bluff might not pay off!
Good news, George and Gladys! We’re going to give you all the money you need to get Gladys healthy and fighting again!
That’s wonderful! I always knew you were a pal!
All I have to do is cash in this ticket!
You haven’t even cashed the ticket in yet?
Not yet today! I really haven’t had the time!
Well, hurry up man! Gladys can’t last long!
Oh!! My pancreas!
Oh no! She’s gone into anabolic shock!
There’s a bee?—
Get going, man!
Hello, Mr. Betteman?
Sorry, but I really can’t talk now.
What would you do if your children were struck by lightning right now?
Think it was a miracle?
What? Is that how you think about your children?
I don’t have any children to be struck by lightning. Now if you’ll ex—
That’s funny. A friend of mine told me you had a child or a niece or something. How about your wife?
Well, obviously she’s not my child, that would be sick—
What would you do if your wife was struck by lightning?
Dive for cover?
Do you have any life insurance for your family?
No, I don’t, but I really have to get going, because—
People are forty times more likely to be struck by lightning than to win the lottery! That means that odds say you and your wife will be struck by lightning twenty times each! Can you live with those odds?
I really doubt that, I—
Lightning strikes around 23 million people every day.
I don’t think that’s true, if it was the planet would smell a little bit more like fried chicken—
Wiithout insurance, you will die. And your dependants will be left cold and on the street. Which is why I’m offering you this insurance policy. In just four years, at six million dollars a year, you will have twenty-four million dollars of life insurance!
Listen, I’d love to stay and talk, but there’s a woman in my house that needs saving!
She wouldn’t happen to be your wife, would she?
No, she’s my neighbor! She’s gone into anabolic shock and her pancreas burst!
Because of a bee sting?
I don’t know! But I gotta save her quick! So get out of my way!
MAYbe she needs life insurance.
I couldn’t get there in time. The office was closed. Gladys is probably dead by now.
What are you doing here?
There isn’t enough room for me. I have to wait out here.
What do you mean, not enough room?
Well, I knocked on the door, and came in for a while. I was asking for food. This older couple was in here, talking to your wife. She had to leave. Then they started talking about some scam and how you couldn’t have surgery to fix anemia, and they had this fight. Then they noticed I was sitting here, so they said there wasn’t enough room for me, and threw me out. I still haven’t gotten any food yet.
Scam? It was a scam?
That’s what they were talking about. And then all these people started showing up, some of them had cameras, and nobody would given me any food—
A scam?!!!!!
Yeah, that’s right. So I—
What’s going on here?
A lot of people showed up!
Where are George and Gladys?
They’re still sitting on the couch!
George! Gladys!
Hi, Chris, did you get the money to save my wife’s life? She… uh… fell out of shock a while ago and is—
George, I don’t want to hear it1 This was all some sort of scam, wasn’t it? To get the money I’d won! You’ve been my neighbor for ten years and never, ever in that time have you pulled something this low! Get out of my house! NOW!
But, Chris—
I don’t want to hear it! Just get out!
All of you! Get out of my house! Now! I’m tired of all you people, begging for money!
Oh, my intestines.
Oh, give it up, Gladys!
CHRIS?
Theywere trying to scam us, Gladys. You were right.
Well, I did have my doubts—
Don’t kid me, May. You were right. I trust in people too much. I can’t believe I was ready to give them all that money.
It’s a very nice quality, Chris. It’s just sometimes you’re a little too trust—
Oh, who could that be? Some other person asking for money? Did they miss the show, or what?
(yelled) WHAT?!
Well, I’m still waiting for some food—
Am I supposed to believe you’re homeless? And I suppose you want some money to get back on your feet? Or to buy new clothes? Or to start a 24 million dollar restaurant!!!
No, I just want some foo—
No! Get out of here, you fraud! I’ve had it with fakes and frauds!
Okay… (he walks away)
Jeez, the Duke of Bridgewater and the King of France can’t hold a stick to these imposters.
CHRIS?
What?
He wasn’t an imposter. All he wanted was some food for the night. I talked to him myself, he didn’t even know about the money we won. I left to get some things from the pantry, and when I came back the Andersons told me he left.
Oh my goodness. He’s the guy that told me about their scam. He was just waiting for his food, and I yelled at him. I have to go find him!
Now? It’s past ten o’clock!
I just snapped on probably one of the most innocent people in the world! I have to go apologize! I’m going to make it up to him!
How?
You’ll see.
MAY?
CHRIS? What time is it?
It’s about three in the morning. But I found him!
Where?
First I looked under the town bridge, then downtown, then into some hotels. But he wasn’t there. As I was giving up, I found him, alseep on our front porch.
What did you want to see me about? I’m sorry about asking you for food, I won’t ever do it again—
No, I should be apologizing. I was so suspicious that everyone was after my money, I forgot what you’d done for me. Maybe that one man was right, money is the root of all evil. So I’m not going to have any part of it. Here you go.
Here’s all of it. This is the winning lottery ticket. For 24 million dollars. I want you to have it all. It’s made me too suspicious of the world. I want to give it to somebody that can actually use it.
Are you sure? I’m just fine—
I insist that you keep it. And to celebrate, we’re going to eat that feast that May had prepared! Come, May, break out the champagne, let’s watch some late night T.V. while we eat.
Welcome to the late, late news.
Drat, the only thing on is the news.
Merriment reigned for one local residence as they found out today that they won the state lottery, SuperLottoBall.
Hey, May, it’s a story about us.
Oh, I heard about this. Some big family won 24 million dollars.
What?
A local family won the state lottery today, as their financial woes instantly dissolved into elation.
But… but we won… May, get me the paper.
Meanwhile, word spread that another couple was trying to cash in on this family’s fortune by claiming that they had won the lottery. Mr. Chris and Mrs. May Betteman attracted quite a group of people, before Chris, evidently sickened by his behavior, threw them all out.
Oh no!
We didn’t win, did we?
No. You read off the wrong lottery. That was for the PowerLottoBall lottery. (he turns to the Homeless Man). I’m sorry. I guess that ticket isn’t worth anything. And neither were we.
That’s okay. I still think you’re a great man, Chris.
Yeah, well, you can sleep here tonight, if you want to. The couch is quite comfy. Goodnight, sir.
Hey, May. (he kisses her). I got a job at that gas station and the whole thing went just fine.
That’s great, Chris. Dinner is ready.
I’ve been looking forward to toast all day.
Oh, no, who could that be?
Dad? It’s me! Your estranged daughter.
Sorry, we already have a long-lost daughter.
No, she was your brother’s daughter, remember?
No, wasn’t she your brother’s sister?
That’s right.
Anyway, we were so happy to see our long-lost niece that we gave her all of the 24 million dollars that we won! She left to go shopping, and we haven’t seen her for a week.
What? You gave her all of your money! You haven’t seen her all week, obviously she was a fraud! You guys are so stupid! And gullible.
I guess we may be a little too trusting. (he closes the door and sits down.)