This page tells stories that are entirely accurate* accounts of people in distress
* may not be accurate
1.
Well, it was a sad day, but it had to happen. Yes, our own Postman Pat is mortal - whether you like it or not. Yesterday, his life came to a rather sad, abrupt and disturbing end. His doctors warned him not to drive his van anymore due his severe senile nature. The cat died 7 years ago in a freak accident at the Transvestite Postman Convention, but Pat couldn't accept it, so he carried a rotten, disintegrating fur-ball wherever he went.
It was a cold winter's night, when Pat was having a quite drink with the local prostitute, when he decided to drive home. Everyone in the pub warned him not to go, as was pissed as a fart. Pat was seriously offended and started a nasty brawl, which quickly spilled over into a class A riot. Pat managed to get to his van, but the windows were bricked through by the time he got out of the town. He was pushing the van to a dangerous 35 mph, and wheels began to buckle. The two front wheels went flying down the road, and some reports state that it brutally decapitated an elderly lady, but nobody claimed ownership of her. Incredibly, she survived, but nobody came forward to give her a warm, caring home. She was promptly put down.
The van hit a wall. Pat went flying through the windscreen, and died. The medics rushed to the scene, put him into the recovery position, and did nothing. Pat's organs were donated to the local vets.
2. KEVIN RACEY'S ACCIDENT
Kevin's life will never be the same again. "It just happened", he proclaims. Well, Kevin is now behind bars in Thailand (for some reason) and a recent documentary, investigating torture techniques against gibbons, uncovered the true story to his downfall.
It all started when was playing golf in the lovely bliss of Parkfields. Being a blatant anti-disabled person, Kevin was horrified to see a one armed tramp walking in the distance. Kevin shouted out, "yer bloody spastic, grow your arm back yer lazy bum". The bum was not amused. He amazingly managed to hop 100 yards in one effortless jump, and end up right beside Kevin. "Oi, yer twat" screamed the bum "I lost my arm in Tesco, so show me some respect". Kevin aptly refused to give the bum any respect. In retaliation, Kevin swiftly butted the man to death.
When Kevin was put on trial, there was only one reliable witness. This witness was a chimpanzee which was sat in a nearby tree. The chimp claimed, "The offender, that spaz over there [pointing at Kevin], spat on the poor disabled man, snapped his arm off, excreted upon his face - then smearned it all over his genatalia. After this his beat him with a wild boar roaming the park, which killed him". The chimp's statement was good enough for the jury (which was entirely made up of penguins).
So, Kevin was sent to prison. At which, viewkill.co.uk medics take care of him.
3. CHRISTOPHER SPEAK AND THE CHINESE MAN
Chris doesn't like Chinese people. In fact he hates them. So, when asked if he would accompany Meryl Streep to the local Chinese takeaway outlet, he abundantly disgusted. But being the gentleman that he is, he agreed.
However this was no ordinary takeaway. For this particular outlet, you actually take a Chinese human home with you. This policy has been implemented by Chinese government to cut the rapid population growth. Other policies include having balls cut off without anaesthetic, and the permanent installation of ultra tight underpants to cut the sex drive.
On arrival Chris was sweating uncontrollably. He was wetter than a person on the receiving end of wild spitting infuriated through a Paul Edwards conversation. They purchased this ripe, firm but rare Chinese man, perfect for throwing in the Wok - and under proper storage conditions, could last several weeks. Speak couldn't handle this man's inane nattering. He pulled out his revolver (his gun, not his penis) and shot the man in the kneecap. The man rolled on the floor in comical fashion whilst blurting out screams of displeasure for which only the most talented Chinese man can achieve. Speak then shot at the other kneecap. The sheer closeness of the shot blew the blokes leg off. The man was now obviously in pain, but remain rather gracious at his masters kindness. Speak began to feel sorry for the man, who was now bleeding generously.
He befriended the chap. His leg could not be saved, but all was not lost. Instead medics at www.viewkill decided to sew on a live Dr. Leg of Eastenders fame. This made the Chinese man upwardly mobile again. Chris soon fell in love with the guy. Things prospered and little Speakchinks were all over the place in no time. However they all became to deform quite disturbingly. Mini Dr. Legs began growing all over their bodies, and constantly mouthed "Ahh, you've played knifie spoonie before".